Not an easy decision

There is nothing more awkward than a twenty-three year old virgin on the verge of her sexual awakening.

I met this really great guy a few weeks ago. He's a Marine about to ship back to Afghanistan. He's a friend's fiancé's cousin. We meet, go out with the group and have drinks. Dance the night away, make out on the dance floor. I go back to the place he's staying, at my friends house. Things get hot and heavy.

I have made the decision to stay a virgin until I get married. Mostly because I don't want to get pregnant or get STDs or risk hurting my family and disappointing my parents. Also, to prove that it can be done

This fact, along with the one where I've never had a boyfriend in my entire life. That I've never had anyone to... experiment with, I have no idea what I'm doing. All of the guys that I've been a little involved with dating over the last few years have been way more experienced than I am. Which I would prefer in my future mate, but right now it makes things awkward.

I want nothing more than to have sex. I see it every day in the media, I see my friends happy in their relationships. I want nothing more than that. That is my greatest desire in life, even more than I want to ake movies. I want to have a family. Not that I would ever give up film for that but I would do a lot for love and for my future children and spouse.

Being with Mr. Marine* there ws something different. He had no skills as far as picking up women, but I have no skills in keeping men. I knew he wanted some that night, but he also knew I was a virgin. I had told him that I wouldn't have sex with him. I also stay away from oral because I don't want STDs. I want to do it, but with someone who I'm in s seriously relationship with for a while. This is something important and special to me, and I don't just want to give it away.

He said he understood. I apologized and apologized over and over to him. I told him not to go to far with me because I couldn't reciprocate. He said "shut up and let me do this. I want to make this special for you" and i let him. He turned my legs to jelly and everything that happened with Samson and Charlie just went out the window. Every bad experience I had with them didn't matter anymore. Every douchey thing they did was erased. There was a good guy in the world that treated me with respect. That paid attention when I said no, that actually HELD me in his arms, both arms wrapped tight around me, stroking my hair and telling me that every fear I had never voiced to him wouldn't happen. He whispered to me that it was okay that I didn't want to just give it up, that I was saving it. He said it would be really special between the man I married and myself. That when it happens it will be magical. He said that I'm going to do well in my career. That one day I would be a great mother. That he could just tell by the way I was whispering to him when we were together. That I was calming. He told me that I was soft and warm, that I should never change. That made me feel really good.

He's deploying to Afghanistan in a few weeks. I asked him if I could write to him, but he told me that right now I wasn't real. That this wasn't real because if it was, then he couldn't focus on what he had to do. The military has supplied them with faulty equipment and they aren't replacing it. His fear is for his life, and he doesn't want people back in the states to worry about him, more than who already worry about him.

In the end, I couldn't give him what he wanted. When we talked about why I was keeping it, he said is it really for the statistics? I had affirmed that but he called me out:
I was, and still am, scared.

I have no clue what I'm doing with a man. I tried to give him an hj, but it wasn't working. I had no freaking clue what I was doing. I still don't. There are ways I could have fixed this. "I don't have much skill in this, do you want to help me out. I could learn." But I didn't. I was focusing on what he was doing to me, that I couldn't return the favor. I didn't know how to shut my brain like that. I didn't know how to keep the worries out and just let go. I... was scared.

And now that I've found this really nice guy, I'm not sure I will ever see him again or have that chance to explain to him my inner thoughts. He is probably upset that I didn't reciprocate. He is ignoring my friend request on Facebook. I asked his cousin why, and he said it's probably because I didn't do my part, even though I wanted to and tried to explain that to him.

If this is the case, should I even be upset about it? If that is really the kind of guy he is, just like Charlie, do I even want that? I adored the feeling I had when I was with him. and I wish I could've shown him better how much I appreciated his patience and kindness with me.

Maybe I'll just remember how he was that night and hold onto that in my memories. Not let this part get me down. Eventually I'll find the right guy, but I wish it was sooner rather than later. Where is my fateful meeting? When is it my turn to be completely happy?