Missing ideals

I miss the idea of the man more than the man himself. I get sad over the loss of something that could have been rather than something that was. That's the hardest part, knowing it is there, but never attaining it.

I was over B the week things ended. He wasn't what I thought he was. Now is even more proof, he said he wanted to be friends and would let me know when he was coming into town for Christmas - but he didn't. I found out through a mutual friend that he was coming into town and that "Ashley doesn't know." That hurt the most because of what happened last Christmas... but that's neither here nor there.

B sent me a "I hope you had a Merry Christmas Ashley!" text on the 26th. I sent back "Happy Christmas B. I hope you had a good time with your family." Trying to go for a bit of a burn.

I'm going to call him after New Years. I might as well. Maybe he thinks I'm upset with him, which I'm not. Did he do D-bag things? Yes. Is he an idiot? Yes. Did he lead me on? Yes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends.

I've got a great life. I work in my field of choice, I have a great family, a new future-sister-in-law that I love, I have great friends. Everything else will fall into place when it needs to. Whenever that is. Until then I'll "keep doing me."

Remember the brokenness of others

For the Angels week of Advent, the pastor preached on the time Elizabeth and Mary first saw each other after becoming pregnant. The third point he made was that God shows his present tense faithfulness. Through Elizabeth he shows his faithfulness to them by giving them the child they so desired; with Mary, he fulfilled his promise of the Messiah for the world.

I know we were supposed to see that God fulfills his promise because He is always present tense faithful to us, but it just isn't always in our timing. To me this is the promise I am waiting on: the husband. I am a long-sufferer. I go through trial and tribulation on a frequent basis.

Those who are long-sufferers most-times have a hard time seeing His present tense faithfulness; especially when one keeps seeing and hearing other receiving their desires.

Long-suffering is to bring about perseverance, character and hope [Romans 5:3-5], but it gets harder and harder every day to hold onto that hope. As we get older, we have to be even more patient when waiting for his faithfulness to appear in a way we can understand, that we can see. The brokenness seeps in and hearts shatter.

The hope we are to gain becomes even harder to see when the greatest desires, and those long awaited promises to be fulfilled by present tense faithfulness, of ours keep going unanswered when at each turn others gain them without difficulty. Long-sufferers deal daily with their tribulations, waiting on His present tense faithfulness to show. Through these difficult times, we are to see His grace, that he is stripping away what we don't need so that we can be stronger.

After all this, we just have to remember that we suffer for a reason. Tribulations are important so that we learn about grace and grow in peace and patience. Character building through suffering is a difficult road that some are called, but we must remember that in the end it's all going to work out because He is ALWAYS present tense faithful, even if we aren't always aware.

The Universe likes to play jokes

This conversation says it all:

Me: haha I found out something funny yesterday. [A new] friend was showing me pictures from a party from 2005ish that he threw and both Samson and B were in the pictures.
James: hahaha really? go figure
Me: I know, right! So crazy.
James: small world

I laughed so hard when I found out. It was an "Are you effing kidding me Universe?"

FUCK IT!!!!

I'm done. I know I've said it before, but I'm fucking sticking to it now.

I AM NOT DATING UNTIL I AM 25. I AM NOT GOING TO EVEN SEE ANYONE UNTIL I'M 25. I WILL NOT GET INVOLVED WITH ANY FUCKING MEN UNTIL I AM 25.

Fuck this shit, seriously! I am done.

You're fucked if you don't have sex, and you're fucked if you do. So, you know what. Bring on the broken hearts, because you get them either way. I'd rather not lose my virginity to the next guy just so I don't have it and have them break my heart AGAIN in the same FUCKING WAY as the last guy than to get my heart broken anyway and lose all my emotions wrapped up in the whole process of losing my virginity because they are going to FUCK WITH MY MIND anyway and BREAK MY FUCKING HEART.

And if that run-on sentence doesn't make sense, let's try again: I FUCKING HATE MEN. and no "or" to this one.

Here's the breakdown: I'm not going to have sex. I'm not going to date. I'm going to be the STUPID FUCKING SPINSTER VIRGIN for the rest of my life.

I'm so over this shit.

I want to tell you I miss you like whoa.

I can't wait until Sunday :D

I'm gonna come out and say this... I'm a little crazy

B and I are fine. I'm just... crazy. I'm a crazy girl. Which is not something guys want to hear... as B likes to tease me. We'll see what happens. My VS final shipment came in, so I'll have something super sexy to wear. I've got it all planned out. And a set for December when I see him... whether that's in LA or here, who knows. I'm just glad I get to see him in 3.5 days! We got to talk last night, which was awesome. I need to stop missing him so much or I'll be in real trouble.

My future sissy and I (oh, yeah, my brother was there too) went and saw Breaking Dawn last night. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I will not admit to seeing that film to B unless he specifically asks me. I've learned my lesson about boys and Twilight a long time ago. Okay well really anyone else and Twilight. Ha.

There is so much to do before Sunday. Prep work and getting my studio back in order. Not to mention game day is Friday. Who thought that was a good idea??? Not me! I think the stands are going to be pretty empty because a lot of students and people will be traveling back from Thanksgiving break and such.

B flies East today sometime. He said he would text me about his flight. We'll see. Although, it's only 7:30am there right now, so he probably hasn't left yet. I hope he at least texts me when he lands so I know he got here safely.

I think I care too much.

Running train of thought...

Oh B and I are on Facebook at the same time. I can actually live chat with him. Maybe he left his phone on the other side of the house like last week and that's why he hasn't responded to my text about how happy I am for him.

He's driving me crazy! Why doesn't he respond. Doesn't he know that I like to get text messages. I NEED to know that someone is thinking about me. I mean, I know I've distracted him... we've TALKED about this. but DAMMIT why doesn't he get it.

That's right, he hasn't read my script yet. Because if he had actually read it, he would get that I go crazy every day that he doesn't say something....

You were just online. WHY ARE YOU SIGNING OFF!!! DAMMIT!

Okay... I'm officially crazy now. I'm going to have a drink with my future sister-in-law...

I can't hope too much

B got offered an awesome job today. He seems really excited about it. I hope it's long term because that's one less thing standing between us. You know, guys are worried about being stable enough for a relationship. At least, this is what B and I have discussed.

I want to bring this up to him. Ask him about long term. I've been thinking about admitting to him that what I want isn't going to change. I know I said I was okay waiting for our timing to be right, for him to get a long term job and to get over the loss of his ex/best friend. I get break-ups are hard, even when you're the one doing the breaking. I get it. I told him I wasn't going to ask for a commitment. But DAMMIT I still want that! I'm never going to change until I get what I want. Even though I said that I wasn't going to date or get involved this year, I lied. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I always have. I am going to be focusing more on my career, I promise! I have been. I've been so focused on it. I'm convinced more than ever that this is what I want. But I want a family too.

I want to get married. I am so ready to be married. All my friends are getting married and having kids. When will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to have a boyfriend, even? When will it be my turn???? This is not fair, but then who said life was fair. SHUT UP i'm tired of hearing that. It isn't fair, but it should be. I am a caring, passionate, "sexy as hell" woman. Where is my boyfriend?

I hate that B and I live so far apart. I'm going to travel as much as I can, and apply for jobs on the West Coast, and hopefully that will help things. I can do long distance, as long as I know I have someone to depend on at the end of the day. B is a good guy and won't lead me on.

One week until I see him again. I will do my best not to be disappointed if I don't get to spend as much time as I would like. If I could spend even an hour, i would be happy. I would just have to get all my questions and worries out, because he knows when I don't. How cute is that?

OK, I lied.

Let's start chronologically so we don't get too confused, but in reality it all combines together...

Previously I said I wasn't going to date, and I haven't... not really.

I'm home, finally. I've finished my time in Miami and I am so happy to be home. I came back just in time to be in my friends' wedding. I got back Thursday night in time for the rehearsal dinner on Friday, October 28th. That's where I met Mr. B* (aka B).

I had called "dibs" on him MONTHS before when I had been asked to be a bridesmaid. But I didn't really count that until I had actually met him, post all that stuff that happened this summer. I was excited I was going to be walking down the aisle with him (until that changed a few weeks before the wedding) and that he was the best looking groomsman. I didn't actually know too much about B... other than he was a good guy and had known Jo* (of the couple Jo-Lo*) for a long time. They had been best friends in high school.

When the rehearsal dinner happened, I finally got to meet B. He was standing in the foyer at Jo's dad's house talking to Lo* and the maid of honor (MOH). I introduced myself and he reached out to shake my hand, but I said I was a huggy person. I felt completely comfortable with him right from the start, and to find out later, he did too. Needless to say, we hit it off. He is hilarious, and kind and TALL. He was a great best man and very thoughtful. So we met that Friday night, and didn't really spend too much time alone, but we got to know each other a little bit.

Saturday us girls went off and did our own thing. That night was a Halloween party at B's aunt's house he invited us to the night before. We said we might go, and all during the day Lo wasn't feeling up to it. Of course, later that night she was missing Jo, so we went to the party. That's when I really realized HOW much taller than me B is... almost a whole foot! I was wearing flats instead of the 4 inch heels from the night before. It was a bit comical. It was me, Lo, MOH, Jo and B at the party. We hung out at the party for an hour or so, and then we were going back to the house to watch Bridesmaids and sleep... we invited the guys to come over and watch the movie. Jo and B rode in one car and us in the other. Jo had changed his mind but B still came over to the house. He sat next to me on the couch and even played around like he was doing his nails too. We flirted a little, and I placed my legs on top of his and my toes under his legs when they got cold. At the end of the night, I walked him out the door... and it was like that awkward moment at the end of a date. To kiss or not to kiss... how can I read the other person? We had a very good hug and said we would see each other the next day at the wedding.

Wedding day! If you've ever had a wedding, or been in one, you know al the drama that comes along with it. We dealt with all that. I won't go into how I wanted to rip MOH apart... that's another story that's not really worth telling, because at the end of the day I'm the adult who came out on top. After the ceremony, we were taking photos, and he confided in me something not too important, but it was seeing that he could, if I would be a good listener. I was touched that he chose to talk to me.

Later at the reception we sat next to each other at the head table. He asked me to dance. I helped him so he could finish some things for his best man's speech. I cheered the loudest after the speech. We danced some more... and then at the end of the night we went to hang out at a friend's house...

Let's fast-forward here because I'm not going to get into details beyond this about that. Let's just say my new car has a spacious back seat and we were very close to being caught in the house making out

I also get to see him the next night, he comes over to my house and we make use of my studio. The next day he flies back to Los Angeles.

Yes, that's right - 3000 miles and 3 time zone differences make things difficult. We are into each other, but right now we are both focusing on our careers. But we talked every day for the first week or so... then we started working on separate time schedules. I text him in the morning before work, and he calls on his days off. Wednesday morning was the first time I have spoken with him in over a week. I've missed him so much, which is probably why we talked for two hours!

He's coming back Thanksgiving weekend because his family lives here. He'll be here for less than 48 hours. At least this time I won't be working at all and I can spend time that he's available with him. I want to spend the night together so we can have some extended one on one time together, but I don't think that's going to happen. I would have to rent a room at a hotel, and I don't know if he would go for that because he only has so much time with his family and they are more important than i am. I'm just the girl he met less than a week ago...

When I told him about the V clause, he seemed okay with it. And we talked about it on Wednesday a little bit. He's only said that he respects my choice, and he has never pushed me or even asked me to give it up. The only thing closest to it is asking if I was definitely going to wait until marriage after asking me how I would want to lose it accompanied with my description. When he calls tonight after work, I'm going to ask him again if he is okay with waiting until I'm ready if this thing between us goes long term. It's okay if he says "no" because that's what most guys say. I'm hoping he doesn't say that, because I would like to keep him around. If he did say "no", I would let me be attached the rest of this year, but would put him in the friend category after that. Which is a bummer because he's been really amazing about it all. I think because he's older and more mature... those years make a difference. I would miss this very much if that were the case. I would miss him. Again, it would be "look what you could have had, but you can't keep it" scenario all over again. Such is my life...

Oh, Mr. B, please don't say "no".

Boring Monday

Today is the first day of the new work schedule at the office. Even though we're shooting now Wednesday through Sunday, people still have to come in and work normal hours Monday through Friday. I'm on the Saturday through Thursday schedule. At least that's how it looks to me so far. Not too bad. I worked six days last week and had Sunday off and I'm back at work for three more days. I can handle not having the most time off, but tomorrow should be pretty easy too. It'll just be weird working without GDV.

Today is an easy day - not much to do. Contracts are done... I did all the distro for the morning... they're even going to let me run a personal errand to drop my check off at the bank. WOOT! I have been trying to deposit my check all weekend and it hasn't worked, so now I get to physically take it in.

Since today is so... easy, I should be writing something introspective, but I've got nothing. I'm doing good. I've got three weddings to attend, and one I'm in the wedding party. I've got some new friends, but no time to hang out. I just hope that I can make it the next three weeks without incident and go home with some money in my bank account. I'm ready to be home, I need some time off before January when commercial season will be starting again.

Should I take two months off, or should I try to find something shooting? I need the time. At least November.

We will see.

I'm gonna be just fine

I'll admit it, I did check his Facebook because someone posted a new picture of him from work the other day - but he hasn't been on one a while.

I went to set today to get a contract signed, but I didn't see him. I did look for him, but I didn't look around for him. I wanted to see him to say "Hi" because he is my friend, not because I like him. It's weird.

I'm not into him, I swear I'm not. I just like using what I felt as inspiration for my writing. This story I've been working on the last two years has matured so much. It's the same premise, but the plot has changed significantly - especially since I've had actual dealings in relationships with men.

I've been feeling good now. I am in a good place. I'm getting more sleep. I'm drinking two shakes a day, so I'm hoping that I can keep my weight down before my friends' wedding at the end of next month. I've got a job I like, that applies to what I want to do later. I've been making friends with my desk mate. I'm hoping that we stay in contact after this show - she's really nice. I've been having a good time.

I am content again. I just hope it lasts.

Back to Miami

I saw him today.

He was happy to see me. He yelled "Ashley" and walked quickly over to give me a hug. I was glad to see him, because he knew the information I needed. And because I'd forgotten what he smelled like.

I was worried in the pit of my stomach (and the knots in my back) with anxiety over seeing him again. Miami is full of sorrow for me. not because I still like him - but because of what we could have been.

I'm not into him anymore. We are friendly, but I don't feel that insane happiness when I see him, and it's not coupled with that extreme anxiety and confusion I felt towards the end.

I really do mis that glimpse of what could have been. Those little peeks I get at being a real couple - something I've never known. i get pieces every once and a while, but never the whole picture and never to keep.

I will be better again one day. "Happy Again" by Iwan Rheon keeps laying over and over in my head when I think of him. I know I will be happy again - on my own.

I lost myself in the joy of liking someone. I was so happy to feel like that again, I forgot myself. I forgot to be content with myself. I want so badly to be a two, that i neglected my one. i became too invested, too hopeful.

I know when I get too happy about anything, it blows up in my face. I don't know if I just need to adjust to a more moderate attitude. I feel if I do that, if I tone down my intensity, I will lose a vital part of myself.

I am too passionate for my own good. I put everything I have into whatever I am doing. I think it scares a lot of people because they don't see it often. I think people have lost a lot of passion. I would feel empty if I didn't have that drive: I won't give it up.

Every time I get crushed, I learn from it. I have to; there's nothing else that can be done.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Twice I've been told, by people very close to me, that I'm doing something wrong. That a great girl like me - who's smart, talented, sexy and kind - has to be doing something wrong if she can't get a boyfriend. During my twenty four years, I've never had one - thanks for rubbing that in.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm not dating again until I'm twenty five. I need to focus on me and my career. I'm not going to like anyone, no crushes, no looking for someone. no dates. I'll go hang with friends, but I will not date. I can't handle the emotional stress. Even though I'm over him, I'm not completely over the stress I felt during that time. I haven't reached equilibrium, and i probably won't until I spend time with the people who love me most, my best friends.

They love me no matter what and I just need to get in a big hug with them.

My goal for the next eleven months is to focus on me. Getting back to being happy and content. i'm on my way, but still have far to go. No dating. i'm trying to meet new people, but it's hard in a city where you know no one (well, very few) and you don't know the good places to hang out. Not to mention work on the weekends.

Here's to the next eleven months. May I find the peace and happiness I desire.

Dream > Desire

God. Family. Film.

These are the three most important aspects of my life.

My dream of my production company is achievable. Not only that, but it will happen. I'm driven to succeed. There will be no stopping me when I have my mind set on something. I know I'm supposed to be in the film industry; I've known it my entire life. I have always wanted to make movies, and my life is headed in the right direction for that.

When you are ready to dedicate your entire being to film, go for it. You need to really focus! Every part of you needs to focus on film and work. That's it. You have to decide if you are ready for that. Each show another lesson is learned. As long as you do learn from it, it's not a waste!

Now, I am ready. I've decided that I'm going to put aside my deepest desire of husband and children for my deep and unwavering passion and drive for film.

Film has been very important to me for years, but I haven't focused on it as much as I should have. I worried about relationships (or lack there of) more than I should have. Granted, I am only 24. Give youth a break. Now is the time for me to be serious. Now is the time for me to really dig into it and focus on that alone.

I'm ready to focus.

I'm ready.

What's my age again?

24.

There are so many things I want to write about, so they will probably all get jumbled together in this post. I will have a few separate comments on other posts, but this one is going to be a doozie.

Last week, as my birthday approached, I began thinking about time. Ten years ago, almost to the day, I was starting my first day of high school. I was so nervous the night before: worrying if I was going to get lost, worrying about making it to my classes on time, thinking about meeting new people, having no idea that I would spend a lot of time trying to figure out who I was. Even when I thought I knew, I've changed so much from that girl ten years ago. I can't help seeing the parallel though, my life has become so ratically different in the last year, standing on the precipice of a new start. Just like starting high school.
I'm dreading 25. For some reason, that seems to be an awful number. Thankfully, I will have Celebration VI to distract me from that awful date, but it's coming along anyway. At 25, I will have been friends with someone for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! That is an awfully long time. Scares the crap out of me that I have known someone that long. It just blows my mind...

Getting back to turning twenty-four. I have not yet achieved what I thought I would have by now. Yes, my career is taking off, and I'm very happy. I'm happy with my friends. I'm happy with my life in general. I'm living the dream. The one thing that is missing is a serious boy friend. I know it's not really important to some, but when you reach 24 and you have NEVER been in a serious relationship (or one at all for that matter) you begin to think about what is wrong with you. I know there is nothing wrong with me; let's face it: I'm awesome. Beautiful, talented, sexy, smart, funny, passionate, dedicated, loyal... Really, why am I still on the market? Often I'm asked why I've never had a boyfriend, and I could never answer the question. I like people. I get along great with guys. I'm very different in the way my mind works, and that might be a factor. I can see and understand things that most people my age will not get for many years if at all. I view the world in a unique way.

I've decided just to be happy. That things will happen when they happen (I HATE when people tell me this). I'm the only person who decides my feelings.

You are the one who determines how much joy in your life; not your circumstances, not what happens to you, not another person.

This is what I posted in my Facebook a while back, and it's still true. Only you can make yourself happy. I've decided that I am going to be happy, and look on the bright side of life. I may not have what I always wanted, but I've still got it pretty good.

What a roller coaster!

I cant even think of where to begin this post, so much has happened since March.

I dated a little. Jerk. I worked on a pilot. Fun. I've met a lot of people. Things have kind of just been rolling. I got a job in costumes on the biggest film Florida's ever seen. I've been working non-stop and loving it. I seem to be making a good impression. Good thing. Meeting A-list celebrities. My life, sometimes, seems like a movie. I'm not just making them, I feel like I'm living them.

I want to tell my story about this guy, but right now, I'm storing it all up inside. He's someone I've known for a few years, and have always been a little interested in, but things have never lined up. Things are different now. I'm definitely getting some learning in, and being treated the way a woman should be treated. I'm being spoiled, and I hope it lasts...

Not an easy decision

There is nothing more awkward than a twenty-three year old virgin on the verge of her sexual awakening.

I met this really great guy a few weeks ago. He's a Marine about to ship back to Afghanistan. He's a friend's fiancé's cousin. We meet, go out with the group and have drinks. Dance the night away, make out on the dance floor. I go back to the place he's staying, at my friends house. Things get hot and heavy.

I have made the decision to stay a virgin until I get married. Mostly because I don't want to get pregnant or get STDs or risk hurting my family and disappointing my parents. Also, to prove that it can be done

This fact, along with the one where I've never had a boyfriend in my entire life. That I've never had anyone to... experiment with, I have no idea what I'm doing. All of the guys that I've been a little involved with dating over the last few years have been way more experienced than I am. Which I would prefer in my future mate, but right now it makes things awkward.

I want nothing more than to have sex. I see it every day in the media, I see my friends happy in their relationships. I want nothing more than that. That is my greatest desire in life, even more than I want to ake movies. I want to have a family. Not that I would ever give up film for that but I would do a lot for love and for my future children and spouse.

Being with Mr. Marine* there ws something different. He had no skills as far as picking up women, but I have no skills in keeping men. I knew he wanted some that night, but he also knew I was a virgin. I had told him that I wouldn't have sex with him. I also stay away from oral because I don't want STDs. I want to do it, but with someone who I'm in s seriously relationship with for a while. This is something important and special to me, and I don't just want to give it away.

He said he understood. I apologized and apologized over and over to him. I told him not to go to far with me because I couldn't reciprocate. He said "shut up and let me do this. I want to make this special for you" and i let him. He turned my legs to jelly and everything that happened with Samson and Charlie just went out the window. Every bad experience I had with them didn't matter anymore. Every douchey thing they did was erased. There was a good guy in the world that treated me with respect. That paid attention when I said no, that actually HELD me in his arms, both arms wrapped tight around me, stroking my hair and telling me that every fear I had never voiced to him wouldn't happen. He whispered to me that it was okay that I didn't want to just give it up, that I was saving it. He said it would be really special between the man I married and myself. That when it happens it will be magical. He said that I'm going to do well in my career. That one day I would be a great mother. That he could just tell by the way I was whispering to him when we were together. That I was calming. He told me that I was soft and warm, that I should never change. That made me feel really good.

He's deploying to Afghanistan in a few weeks. I asked him if I could write to him, but he told me that right now I wasn't real. That this wasn't real because if it was, then he couldn't focus on what he had to do. The military has supplied them with faulty equipment and they aren't replacing it. His fear is for his life, and he doesn't want people back in the states to worry about him, more than who already worry about him.

In the end, I couldn't give him what he wanted. When we talked about why I was keeping it, he said is it really for the statistics? I had affirmed that but he called me out:
I was, and still am, scared.

I have no clue what I'm doing with a man. I tried to give him an hj, but it wasn't working. I had no freaking clue what I was doing. I still don't. There are ways I could have fixed this. "I don't have much skill in this, do you want to help me out. I could learn." But I didn't. I was focusing on what he was doing to me, that I couldn't return the favor. I didn't know how to shut my brain like that. I didn't know how to keep the worries out and just let go. I... was scared.

And now that I've found this really nice guy, I'm not sure I will ever see him again or have that chance to explain to him my inner thoughts. He is probably upset that I didn't reciprocate. He is ignoring my friend request on Facebook. I asked his cousin why, and he said it's probably because I didn't do my part, even though I wanted to and tried to explain that to him.

If this is the case, should I even be upset about it? If that is really the kind of guy he is, just like Charlie, do I even want that? I adored the feeling I had when I was with him. and I wish I could've shown him better how much I appreciated his patience and kindness with me.

Maybe I'll just remember how he was that night and hold onto that in my memories. Not let this part get me down. Eventually I'll find the right guy, but I wish it was sooner rather than later. Where is my fateful meeting? When is it my turn to be completely happy?

Long time

Havent posted in a while. Got a new job but I'm not really allowed to write anything about it yet. Wll keep you posts when i can. It's a real film with real movie stars i really like. It's kind of surreal seeing someone walk around you all the time when you use to have them hanging on the wall in high school. Going to grab some food... Will write about personal issues in an hour or so.

Woo hoo!

GONNA GET PAID!

... at least for one day. I had to get on the payroll for the pilot that's shooting so I could do returns for wardrobe. In other news they're starting to cast the feature I'm officially working on. No names yet that I can give you, but let me tell you, it's going to be A.MAZ.ING! Let's just say that if things go well I might be able to finally see this short I've been dying to get a peek at for a while. My friends will be so jealous when they hear. GET EXCITED!

Haven't been to World of Beer night with my friends in a while, but Wednesday after work I'm bringing along my fellow wardrobe buds. It's gonna be great. Except for the whole part where Charlie could be there... Yeah, he lives across the street from WOB and he was there last night when I didn't go. I wouldn't have been prepared if I did end up going last night. We'll see what happens next week. At least I'll have a better group around me.

But now, for the mad part. Nikki has extended her shoot to 3 nights IN A ROW. Night shoots aren't bad when done two at a time, but not THREE! Especially when it's not paid and it goes into Monday. I have to work EARLY on Mondays. This is not good. Here's my schedule for the next couple of days.

Friday: Call time around 6:45amish for the pilot, then I work until I can't stay away from Nikki's set and hop over the fence into the park around 7pmish, b/c they aren't going to need kids dressed before then because we will not be shooting before 8pm at best. Going into Saturday we'll be there until 4am at best.
Satuday: Leigh's birthday. Want to do lunch with her. Maybe we should just catch breakfast on the way home. Mmm pancakes. And then back to set around 4pm, which is ridiculous since we can't even start shooting until 7pm at the earliest. Again, shooting until 4am at best.
Sunday: She flipping ADDED THIS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO BUENO! Call time around 4pm shooting until 4am, AT BEST. Then I have to be at work no later than 9am. WTF! I know the script sup won't like this. And some of the other crew won't be able to either. Shooting on a Sunday is okay, if it's in the MIDDLE OF THE DAY! I might have to say I can't make it on Sunday, or can only be there so long. I can't stay the whole night and not get any sleep for a 10+ hour day the next.

If you can't tell, I'm really REALLY pissed about this.

They might just have to designate someone to wake me up from naps between takes. Not kidding.

First of the year!

It's easy being content when things start to go your way. Things are turning around for me, but at the same time, there's still a bummer on the horizon.

I'm working on feature(s). Started yesterday working for a wonderful costume designer as her intern. Not getting paid, but hey, it's work and I'll take all the experience I can get. I like working in wardrobe, but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I look at it as a stepping stone. I'm meeting lots of new people, but if I can get a paying gig with the same woman after this, I'll take it. I'm not complaining.

Yesterday I drove around Orlando most of the day looking for fabric samples for one project. I'm working in the back lot of a studio that's also a theme park, and they have a commissary for their employees where, I think, they sell the food for cost. I got a cheese burger and fries for less than three bucks! After lunch I went back to the office and the costume designer said I had done a good job. I try not to let it go to my head. I get more acquainted with my fellow co-workers. I see some of my other friends (Whom I'm surprised I haven't talked about before! I'll fix that soon I'm sure) and other people I know. Get to leave at 6. All in all, it was a good day.

I just have to go buy my own epass now.