Monday, Chicken dinner. BUST.
Tuesday, Movie. Raincheck.
Saturday, Movie. Cancelled.
You are dead to me now Dibs. Friends, okay. But I retract my Notification of Attraction. No matter how good you smell.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Ummers
Not going into anymore of my story with Dibs right now. Not that much has happened. I've just mainly been living my life; going to work, getting obsessed with Tangled, finding my new celebrity crush in Zachary Levi.
Tonight I made dinner for Dibs. Not that he knows this, but he ended up not being able to make it out. Poo. I slaved hard over this meal and it was pretty good. Although I didn't feel like eating it after he didn't show. But it's in the fridge and good for leftovers. He had to study for an exam.
We're supposed to see 127 Hours tomorrow with Nikki and her date. Well... we're meeting up with them later. I asked him. I took Nikki's phone and called him up. Yay for me. Progressing as a person and all that jazz.
He has a final on Wednesday, so it all depends on when we go to the movie. If that doesn't work out, I'll see him Saturday and maybe we can go to the movie after our frozen yogurt mandatory meeting... Who knows. Although Black Swan is coming out and that then becomes a priority...
That's the update. And that's all there is on that.
Christmas is almost here and I've got a TON of gifts made already :D
Tonight I made dinner for Dibs. Not that he knows this, but he ended up not being able to make it out. Poo. I slaved hard over this meal and it was pretty good. Although I didn't feel like eating it after he didn't show. But it's in the fridge and good for leftovers. He had to study for an exam.
We're supposed to see 127 Hours tomorrow with Nikki and her date. Well... we're meeting up with them later. I asked him. I took Nikki's phone and called him up. Yay for me. Progressing as a person and all that jazz.
He has a final on Wednesday, so it all depends on when we go to the movie. If that doesn't work out, I'll see him Saturday and maybe we can go to the movie after our frozen yogurt mandatory meeting... Who knows. Although Black Swan is coming out and that then becomes a priority...
That's the update. And that's all there is on that.
Christmas is almost here and I've got a TON of gifts made already :D
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Dibs update
So Dibs was totally flattered by the Notification and he thought it was neat. I did friend him on Flickr after my last post, but I just got his friend request on Facebook a minute ago. I am excited. He searched me out. Now let's see what happens :D
Dear Dibs
I acted completely unlike myself this weekend, and you know what, I’m not going to worry about it. I’ve asked my questions to people who might have seen, and I’m just going to let it go now. If something happens, cool. If not, cool. I’m just going to continue to be me and flourish and grow and keep moving forward.
I had formed a new set crush. I had called dibs on him a few weeks prior to actually meeting him because I knew there might have been competition. That doesn’t mean we weren’t giggling over him in the production office in between set ups. Of course we were. And silly comments behind his back with giggles stifled.
It was different with Dibs* than with Samson; similar in some aspects, but very different in others. I admire both of their work, but in different ways. They blow me away by what they do on set. With Samson, I got to spend a lot more time with him and was more girlish about how I approached my crush for him.
I’ve changed from that girl of summer 2009. That girl was too intense for her own good. Always seeking out Samson and being obvious.
Winter 2010 I thought I was more calm and collected about it. I told some of the other crew members and most of the girls on set knew, but it was not as widely known as the whole Samson incident. I wasn’t so “OMG WHAT DO I DO????” about it. I just let it happen. With Dibs we talked when it was convenient. I didn’t bother him when he was working or overly flirt with him. I had conversations when it was right. We talked about photography most of the time. He was always the one to initiate hugs; real ones at that.
I did something I haven’t ever done before: I gave Dibs a “Notification of Attraction” card I got from my Procedural Dating Kit that I got as a joke in NYC. It was the first time I’d ever used it. I hope he was flattered, because that’s what I meant. My cousin, who was there when I bought the kit, wanted to know if I’d ever use it. I’ll have to call her tonight.
I told Sloany today about what happened and he was impressed with it – that I actually put myself out there. He said he was proud of me, and that made me think: I really have grown. I’m not the same girl I was when I was blundering in the mess that was Samson. I’ve matured and how I pursue relationships has matured. So even if Dibs never knows, I thank him.
With all that said and done, I want to say something to Dibs:
Dear Dibs,
You were the first person to ever receive one of those Notifications from me. It was from a joke book, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t meant to be flattering. It’s a little stained blue around the edges and probably creased a bit because I was carrying around in my pocket and bra during the day. There’s also the matter of all these girls liking you on set. I’m sure many of them thought you were cute and attractive. The ones I talked to thought you were super sexy, but interested in you beyond that not so much. Not that that should make you feel like a piece meat, unless you like to feel like a piece of meat. I know you know I was into you. And I like that you didn’t shy away from me like most guys, but that also makes you harder to read. So I’m going to stop trying to analyze anything and just let whatever happens happen. I hope that we can be good friends because I really like working with you. You have an amazing work style on set and your photography is amazing. I’m going to friend you on Flickr, because I said I would. But if you want to extend our friendship, you have to find me on Facebook yourself. My phone number is there too.
With all my fondest wishes,
I had formed a new set crush. I had called dibs on him a few weeks prior to actually meeting him because I knew there might have been competition. That doesn’t mean we weren’t giggling over him in the production office in between set ups. Of course we were. And silly comments behind his back with giggles stifled.
It was different with Dibs* than with Samson; similar in some aspects, but very different in others. I admire both of their work, but in different ways. They blow me away by what they do on set. With Samson, I got to spend a lot more time with him and was more girlish about how I approached my crush for him.
I’ve changed from that girl of summer 2009. That girl was too intense for her own good. Always seeking out Samson and being obvious.
Winter 2010 I thought I was more calm and collected about it. I told some of the other crew members and most of the girls on set knew, but it was not as widely known as the whole Samson incident. I wasn’t so “OMG WHAT DO I DO????” about it. I just let it happen. With Dibs we talked when it was convenient. I didn’t bother him when he was working or overly flirt with him. I had conversations when it was right. We talked about photography most of the time. He was always the one to initiate hugs; real ones at that.
I did something I haven’t ever done before: I gave Dibs a “Notification of Attraction” card I got from my Procedural Dating Kit that I got as a joke in NYC. It was the first time I’d ever used it. I hope he was flattered, because that’s what I meant. My cousin, who was there when I bought the kit, wanted to know if I’d ever use it. I’ll have to call her tonight.
I told Sloany today about what happened and he was impressed with it – that I actually put myself out there. He said he was proud of me, and that made me think: I really have grown. I’m not the same girl I was when I was blundering in the mess that was Samson. I’ve matured and how I pursue relationships has matured. So even if Dibs never knows, I thank him.
With all that said and done, I want to say something to Dibs:
Dear Dibs,
You were the first person to ever receive one of those Notifications from me. It was from a joke book, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t meant to be flattering. It’s a little stained blue around the edges and probably creased a bit because I was carrying around in my pocket and bra during the day. There’s also the matter of all these girls liking you on set. I’m sure many of them thought you were cute and attractive. The ones I talked to thought you were super sexy, but interested in you beyond that not so much. Not that that should make you feel like a piece meat, unless you like to feel like a piece of meat. I know you know I was into you. And I like that you didn’t shy away from me like most guys, but that also makes you harder to read. So I’m going to stop trying to analyze anything and just let whatever happens happen. I hope that we can be good friends because I really like working with you. You have an amazing work style on set and your photography is amazing. I’m going to friend you on Flickr, because I said I would. But if you want to extend our friendship, you have to find me on Facebook yourself. My phone number is there too.
With all my fondest wishes,
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Pass Go. Collect $200.
It's time to go around the board again. Since July, so many things have changed. I've started this post in my mind about a million times. So I'm just going to put it all out there:
I don't have a job yet.
New Orleans didn't work out.
A really really bad thing happened after the last post that has messed up my relationship with some friends.
I haven't confronted them about it yet.
Even though I've already written the letter.
People tell me I have to do it myself.
Over the phone.
Lame.
Why can't I just send the letter?
Okay, back to actual points.
I'm back living with my parents, but that was at the beginning of July.
Biggest of all: I have to start over.
I've redone my resume in two different formats. I've written up a list of companies to check out. I've got links from my friends for more jobs.
I'm also thinking of looking, but maybe waiting for my friends to graduate so I don't have to move out on my own.
I'm going to be applying to jobs, for real next month. Not just talking out of my ass. I've just kind of had a mini meltdown. It's time for me to pick myself up and focus on what's next.
One step at a time.
I don't have a job yet.
New Orleans didn't work out.
A really really bad thing happened after the last post that has messed up my relationship with some friends.
I haven't confronted them about it yet.
Even though I've already written the letter.
People tell me I have to do it myself.
Over the phone.
Lame.
Why can't I just send the letter?
Okay, back to actual points.
I'm back living with my parents, but that was at the beginning of July.
Biggest of all: I have to start over.
I've redone my resume in two different formats. I've written up a list of companies to check out. I've got links from my friends for more jobs.
I'm also thinking of looking, but maybe waiting for my friends to graduate so I don't have to move out on my own.
I'm going to be applying to jobs, for real next month. Not just talking out of my ass. I've just kind of had a mini meltdown. It's time for me to pick myself up and focus on what's next.
One step at a time.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Absolutely
I'm sitting in the same clothes I wore exactly one year ago, at this very moment.
Minus shoes, socks, and intoxication. In a different house. Hair styled differently. And oddly, wearing different hair bands from a different film set.
Since last year... so much has changed. I am one month away from my life becoming something else. Something completely new. Something... unknown. That's the part that makes me a little nervous. Not that I don't have a place to live yet. Not that I don't have a job yet. Not that I don't know more than two people in the entire city. It's that I don't know the city. I won't know the best way to drive there. That's what I'm most... anxious about - the driving. The way the city is different than the suburbs. It took me a while to become comfortable in downtown Otown. This is different. A real city.
(On a live moment comment, I'm shaming myself for fast-forwarding through some of today's stage. But 5 hours of racing to watch... I'll be up until 3 am!!! With work at 8... yeah... I'm ffwding. Shame shame shame. OH! And that whole thing with Contador attacking on Andy Schleck's mechanical difficulty!!!! Talk about SHAME!)
This night, okay tomorrow night, really marks my last own personal anniversary memories. Yes, I will be sleeping in these clothes, and wearing them under my scrubs at work - don't judge - tomorrow. I'm going to bury the whole Samson thing officially.
I've been talking to Mary more and more about this because of all the guys I've been seeing and how I compare them to Samson. They don't. But that's because I know what I want. Yes, I've been having fun with them, but I know what it's like to have a man be into you. I know what it feels like to really like someone. And I'd never experienced that before last year. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it. And I realize how much I've matured on a recognition of my romantic feelings for someone. Did that make any sense to anyone other than me?
I was seeing four guys up until recently. I'm done for now. And I've realized, none of them were men. Brandon was probably the closest, but we didn't really like each other that much.
I want to date one MAN. Man being the key word. And no point in dating anyone here anymore. I'm just going to enjoy my friends. Not that I'm going to quit trying to meet people in NOLA. I've changed my dating profile to show that I live in NOLA. I've had more guys from there interested in me than I've had in Orlando recently. Not that I don't have guys interested here...
But then again, would a REAL MAN really need to be on a dating site. At least I can use it to meet new people. But maybe I'll meet someone and date them a few times and get into their group and meet the actual guy I'm supposed to be with. You are more likely to marry within your social group, friends of friends of friends. Because there's the common factor. Something you all enjoy.
Maybe I'll meet my man at the Star Wars convention next month.
Anyway, all the guys are over with. Samson and I are done done done after tonight.
I'm just going to enjoy the rest of Le Tour, hang out with my friends, and prepare to make the biggest change in my entire life.
Goodnight all. And to the cast and crew of ABB, thanks for making my July last year a very memorable one.
Minus shoes, socks, and intoxication. In a different house. Hair styled differently. And oddly, wearing different hair bands from a different film set.
Since last year... so much has changed. I am one month away from my life becoming something else. Something completely new. Something... unknown. That's the part that makes me a little nervous. Not that I don't have a place to live yet. Not that I don't have a job yet. Not that I don't know more than two people in the entire city. It's that I don't know the city. I won't know the best way to drive there. That's what I'm most... anxious about - the driving. The way the city is different than the suburbs. It took me a while to become comfortable in downtown Otown. This is different. A real city.
(On a live moment comment, I'm shaming myself for fast-forwarding through some of today's stage. But 5 hours of racing to watch... I'll be up until 3 am!!! With work at 8... yeah... I'm ffwding. Shame shame shame. OH! And that whole thing with Contador attacking on Andy Schleck's mechanical difficulty!!!! Talk about SHAME!)
This night, okay tomorrow night, really marks my last own personal anniversary memories. Yes, I will be sleeping in these clothes, and wearing them under my scrubs at work - don't judge - tomorrow. I'm going to bury the whole Samson thing officially.
I've been talking to Mary more and more about this because of all the guys I've been seeing and how I compare them to Samson. They don't. But that's because I know what I want. Yes, I've been having fun with them, but I know what it's like to have a man be into you. I know what it feels like to really like someone. And I'd never experienced that before last year. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it. And I realize how much I've matured on a recognition of my romantic feelings for someone. Did that make any sense to anyone other than me?
I was seeing four guys up until recently. I'm done for now. And I've realized, none of them were men. Brandon was probably the closest, but we didn't really like each other that much.
I want to date one MAN. Man being the key word. And no point in dating anyone here anymore. I'm just going to enjoy my friends. Not that I'm going to quit trying to meet people in NOLA. I've changed my dating profile to show that I live in NOLA. I've had more guys from there interested in me than I've had in Orlando recently. Not that I don't have guys interested here...
But then again, would a REAL MAN really need to be on a dating site. At least I can use it to meet new people. But maybe I'll meet someone and date them a few times and get into their group and meet the actual guy I'm supposed to be with. You are more likely to marry within your social group, friends of friends of friends. Because there's the common factor. Something you all enjoy.
Maybe I'll meet my man at the Star Wars convention next month.
Anyway, all the guys are over with. Samson and I are done done done after tonight.
I'm just going to enjoy the rest of Le Tour, hang out with my friends, and prepare to make the biggest change in my entire life.
Goodnight all. And to the cast and crew of ABB, thanks for making my July last year a very memorable one.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friendiversary
Nate texted me today wishing me a Happy Anniversary. We met one year ago today. I remember being so never about meeting him because, well, I was going to have to ask him to take off his shirt. THANKFULLY when he answered the door I realized that wasn't going to be a problem - he would be fine for the dream sequence. Ha. Don't tell him that though, I don't think he's ever heard that story. It's been an amazing year. It doesn't feel like it's been that long, and at the same time it feels like it was forever ago. It's so nice to have such great friends like Nate.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Reflections
One year ago, I was in my first production meeting.
One year ago, I met Samson.
I can't believe how much my life has changed in such little time. It feels like it was just yesterday I was getting ready, breaking down the script, and walking into the unknown. And yet, it feels like it was forever ago. Years, and years have gone by.
Samson rocked my world. Rocked it to a new axis. A new rotation.
I swear up and down I'm over him, but at the same time I can't deny the effect he's had on me.
And in two months, we'll be in the same city, the same circles.
I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Mary says I'm more confidant... or something. A word she can't name. Je ne sais quoi???
I know exactly what I want, I know where to find it.
Get prepared New Orleans, you are about to be changed too.
One year ago, I met Samson.
I can't believe how much my life has changed in such little time. It feels like it was just yesterday I was getting ready, breaking down the script, and walking into the unknown. And yet, it feels like it was forever ago. Years, and years have gone by.
Samson rocked my world. Rocked it to a new axis. A new rotation.
I swear up and down I'm over him, but at the same time I can't deny the effect he's had on me.
And in two months, we'll be in the same city, the same circles.
I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Mary says I'm more confidant... or something. A word she can't name. Je ne sais quoi???
I know exactly what I want, I know where to find it.
Get prepared New Orleans, you are about to be changed too.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Let's get real
I never seem to post these when I first think of them, so they always seem to lose a little of their umph by the time I get them to the page. Let me remember correctly...
I was looking at myself in the mirror, making faces like I always do, as I have always done. If I ever stop making faces at myself, then you know something's wrong. If you lose that childhood instinct, you've really aged.
As I was making facing and projecting different emotions to my reflection, I realized something. I look pretty, sweet, a little sneaky and mischievous as a proper girlfriend should. And that's the heart of it, I want to be a girlfriend. I don't want to date around. I just want a proper boyfriend.
In my 22 years of life, I've never had one. Not ever. And that's all I've really wanted. I'm a monogamist. I want steady and solid. Dating is fun, but I'm so ready for a relationship. But I still can't figure out why I'm not in one.
Okay, well, moving might have something to do with it. And that's got pushed back to mid-August. I really don't want to miss Celebration 5.
Atlas talked to Mary about how he was getting the girlfriend vibe from me. And Mary tried to confuse me and all this drama that goes on naturally. But Atlas and I have had this discussion before. Not getting (emotionally) involved with someone who's leaving...
I'm just going to continue to have fun. To wear my stockings *wink* and cause some mischief and then start my life in a new town where I know next to no one. What an exciting life for a twenty-something.
I was looking at myself in the mirror, making faces like I always do, as I have always done. If I ever stop making faces at myself, then you know something's wrong. If you lose that childhood instinct, you've really aged.
As I was making facing and projecting different emotions to my reflection, I realized something. I look pretty, sweet, a little sneaky and mischievous as a proper girlfriend should. And that's the heart of it, I want to be a girlfriend. I don't want to date around. I just want a proper boyfriend.
In my 22 years of life, I've never had one. Not ever. And that's all I've really wanted. I'm a monogamist. I want steady and solid. Dating is fun, but I'm so ready for a relationship. But I still can't figure out why I'm not in one.
Okay, well, moving might have something to do with it. And that's got pushed back to mid-August. I really don't want to miss Celebration 5.
Atlas talked to Mary about how he was getting the girlfriend vibe from me. And Mary tried to confuse me and all this drama that goes on naturally. But Atlas and I have had this discussion before. Not getting (emotionally) involved with someone who's leaving...
I'm just going to continue to have fun. To wear my stockings *wink* and cause some mischief and then start my life in a new town where I know next to no one. What an exciting life for a twenty-something.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Long overdue
I would preface this with a little defense, but then again, the defense would make me look like one so I'm not going to say it. I'll just let it be whatever it is.
Okay. So went with Charlie to that party on Thursday night. Had a good time, used him like he deserves. He was saying all night, "you're my girlfriend for the night" "When I say you're cute it means you're supposed to kiss me" and "How do you like being my girlfriend for the night?". Dude, do you not remember what you said to me a few weeks before? Do you think I would ever want to be your girlfriend after you said I was second rate. Hell no. Did I make out with him, yes. Making out is fun, and he's cute and a good kisser. I'm not going to say no.
That doesn't make me a bad person. And neither does the next bit.
He drives me back home. We make out in my driveway, I maybe am a little bit leading him on. He says he wishes this could continue. I tell him he has work in the morning. I walk around the corner, his car pulls away, I jump back in mine and head over the Atlas' house where my friends are hanging out at.
Atlas, Mary, and I end up having a fun conversation in his room. I find out a lot of things. Of which I'm not going to reveal because Atlas will probably read this and I still want it to be a game whether he remembers or not what he said.
Anyway, it was all very interesting. I did find out he likes stockings, and oh! guess who was wearing some. haha.
Friday night the group with Atlas, Mary, her bf and others go to Fazoli's out in BFE. Service was terrible, that must be why all the rest have disappeared. We hang out for a long time, go back to Atlas' house. I leave kind of early because I have a wedding and concert to attend the next day. While at Fazoli's, Charlie calls me twice in less than 3 minutes. I'm out with friends, I'm not going to answer. He texts me, I wait 5 minutes then text back. He said he needed my help but nvm b/c it was too late. He called me the moment he got out of class. I just said ok... because he wasn't telling me anything else. I haven't heard from him since.
We'll see if anything happens this weekend. It was supposed to be a simple weekend, but it seems I'm always busy. I can't catch a break.
Okay. So went with Charlie to that party on Thursday night. Had a good time, used him like he deserves. He was saying all night, "you're my girlfriend for the night" "When I say you're cute it means you're supposed to kiss me" and "How do you like being my girlfriend for the night?". Dude, do you not remember what you said to me a few weeks before? Do you think I would ever want to be your girlfriend after you said I was second rate. Hell no. Did I make out with him, yes. Making out is fun, and he's cute and a good kisser. I'm not going to say no.
That doesn't make me a bad person. And neither does the next bit.
He drives me back home. We make out in my driveway, I maybe am a little bit leading him on. He says he wishes this could continue. I tell him he has work in the morning. I walk around the corner, his car pulls away, I jump back in mine and head over the Atlas' house where my friends are hanging out at.
Atlas, Mary, and I end up having a fun conversation in his room. I find out a lot of things. Of which I'm not going to reveal because Atlas will probably read this and I still want it to be a game whether he remembers or not what he said.
Anyway, it was all very interesting. I did find out he likes stockings, and oh! guess who was wearing some. haha.
Friday night the group with Atlas, Mary, her bf and others go to Fazoli's out in BFE. Service was terrible, that must be why all the rest have disappeared. We hang out for a long time, go back to Atlas' house. I leave kind of early because I have a wedding and concert to attend the next day. While at Fazoli's, Charlie calls me twice in less than 3 minutes. I'm out with friends, I'm not going to answer. He texts me, I wait 5 minutes then text back. He said he needed my help but nvm b/c it was too late. He called me the moment he got out of class. I just said ok... because he wasn't telling me anything else. I haven't heard from him since.
We'll see if anything happens this weekend. It was supposed to be a simple weekend, but it seems I'm always busy. I can't catch a break.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance
Dating different guys has been an eye opening experience. In the last year I've been out with more boys than ever before. I've doubled my numbers. Not that numbers are important, because it's about the experiences you have, but for someone who is used to a drought, this monsoon is a little overwhelming.
But the best part is, those books are right.
Boy treats you like crap. You ignore him. He fawns all over you.
I've learned my lesson. Don't get all attached right away. If the guy is interested, he'll chase you.
Which brings me to what this is about. Charlie. I hadn't heard from him in 10 days. I thought he had gotten the point that he blew it. I'm going to admit it, I was a little disappointed. I wanted him to feel sorry. To miss me. To think about what he was missing out on. Then I got this text this morning.
C: Can we hangout?!
C (five minutes later): U hate me!
Me: I don't hate you. We can hang out. I actually stopped by the bar Saturday on my way to a party to see if you were there to say hi.
C: Ahh what time?! I was there at around ten
Me: It was after that. 1230ish.
C: I wwas there!! Inside! Dangit.
C: if u couldnt tell, i miss you dearly..
Me: When do you want to hang out? There's this party on Thursday I'm going to.
C: what times that start?
Me: It starts at 930 but goes to 2
C: I get outta class about 930. Can u wait for me and we can ride out together?!? :D
Me: Sure. Sounds good.
C: u just made me the happiest man on earth! :D cant stop smiling!
Um... What???
But the best part is, those books are right.
Boy treats you like crap. You ignore him. He fawns all over you.
I've learned my lesson. Don't get all attached right away. If the guy is interested, he'll chase you.
Which brings me to what this is about. Charlie. I hadn't heard from him in 10 days. I thought he had gotten the point that he blew it. I'm going to admit it, I was a little disappointed. I wanted him to feel sorry. To miss me. To think about what he was missing out on. Then I got this text this morning.
C: Can we hangout?!
C (five minutes later): U hate me!
Me: I don't hate you. We can hang out. I actually stopped by the bar Saturday on my way to a party to see if you were there to say hi.
C: Ahh what time?! I was there at around ten
Me: It was after that. 1230ish.
C: I wwas there!! Inside! Dangit.
C: if u couldnt tell, i miss you dearly..
Me: When do you want to hang out? There's this party on Thursday I'm going to.
C: what times that start?
Me: It starts at 930 but goes to 2
C: I get outta class about 930. Can u wait for me and we can ride out together?!? :D
Me: Sure. Sounds good.
C: u just made me the happiest man on earth! :D cant stop smiling!
Um... What???
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Three strikes, I'm out
Well that solves those issues.
I don't have to talk to that girl.
I will stop liking Atlas.
I will be having an awesome last 54 days in my hometown without worries of boys or drama.
I'm done with drama here, it's time to start all over again.
Bring on the new life.
I. Am. R.E.A.D.Y.
I don't have to talk to that girl.
I will stop liking Atlas.
I will be having an awesome last 54 days in my hometown without worries of boys or drama.
I'm done with drama here, it's time to start all over again.
Bring on the new life.
I. Am. R.E.A.D.Y.
I try so hard, only to make things worse.
Atlas is one of those good guys. One of those guys who are really pure at heart.
He's someone that I can get close to, someone I'm comfortable with. But the whole "like" factor has its disadvantages. Because if it was just friendly terms, physical contact wouldn't be so powerfully packed with possible meaning, or possible hurt. I crave male touch. But I'm particular about it, and because I still like to fall under what's socially acceptable. And I may be a little selfish. I miss my closest friends. They were the physical touch I needed. Not to mention, in 54 days, I won't have any friends within 400 miles. Well... we can't count Samson, can we.
I like Atlas. And it makes it easier to just touch his arm or hold his hand because of this. But also because he is a good friend. Then again, it is awkward when we're in the whole group. Because all I would like is to be close, and we end up on other sides of the room. And there's another girl who hangs out with us on occasion that likes him, or likes him enough to be physical.
And I wonder if he does this on purpose; as if now that I'm not seeing anyone, if that makes it harder. That all my attention can be focused on this. And that focus can be too intense. I can be too intimidating. Too demanding. Too... a lot of things. And last weekend when she was all over him, in front of the whole group of like 6 other people, I was upset. I was hurt. Not that I really had any right to be.
He asked me a serious question last week that I answered, but then I didn't get a response to that answer. And it makes me wonder if that has to do with anything. The distance that I felt this past week, when the week before I saw him everyday.
Things are just complicated.
He's someone that I can get close to, someone I'm comfortable with. But the whole "like" factor has its disadvantages. Because if it was just friendly terms, physical contact wouldn't be so powerfully packed with possible meaning, or possible hurt. I crave male touch. But I'm particular about it, and because I still like to fall under what's socially acceptable. And I may be a little selfish. I miss my closest friends. They were the physical touch I needed. Not to mention, in 54 days, I won't have any friends within 400 miles. Well... we can't count Samson, can we.
I like Atlas. And it makes it easier to just touch his arm or hold his hand because of this. But also because he is a good friend. Then again, it is awkward when we're in the whole group. Because all I would like is to be close, and we end up on other sides of the room. And there's another girl who hangs out with us on occasion that likes him, or likes him enough to be physical.
And I wonder if he does this on purpose; as if now that I'm not seeing anyone, if that makes it harder. That all my attention can be focused on this. And that focus can be too intense. I can be too intimidating. Too demanding. Too... a lot of things. And last weekend when she was all over him, in front of the whole group of like 6 other people, I was upset. I was hurt. Not that I really had any right to be.
He asked me a serious question last week that I answered, but then I didn't get a response to that answer. And it makes me wonder if that has to do with anything. The distance that I felt this past week, when the week before I saw him everyday.
Things are just complicated.
Better to be feared than loved???
Maybe, except when it gets in the way of the love of others.
I've been hanging out with a new group of people, mostly guys, THANK GOD!, but there is that obligitory girl in the group. And... I don't get along with girls. Mind you, I was getting along with her just fine until something happened with one of the guys that was a complete accident on my part. She doesn't know the whole story, but she's very protective of Atlas in particular. And even though he and I have talked about this, because it happened between the TWO OF US, she took offense and hasn't let know. Of course in person it's all play nice, but there's definitely a power struggle going on. Mary gets to be included in the group automatically because she's one of the guys' girlfriends. I'm just Mary's friend. No matter how much of a nice person I am or how many good intentions I may have, this girl does not like me. And she has no intention of changing that opinion at all.
So It's a girl power struggle. I'm encroaching on territory that was hers. I'm encroaching on a guy she's super-protective of. I'm the invader. The guys don't get it, Mary understands it for the most part, but I only can really understand - I was there 3 years ago. Sometimes I forget that there is such a big difference between 20 and (nearly) 23. True, she deals with different life stuff that I won't even go near for five more years at least. But I've dealt with other relationship issues in the last four years. I've dealt with a lot of personal change and growth. I used to be the power play girl.
It is still very evident she doesn't like me. And, now that I'm closer to Atlas - and in some ways I feel like I might be pushing him away - it makes a difference. Because, if I want to continue my friendship with Atlas, I have to talk to her.
But her powerplay games will eventually come to an end. I'm leaving in 54 days. I would like the next 54 days to be pleasant. I would like to keep my new group of friends.
I've been hanging out with a new group of people, mostly guys, THANK GOD!, but there is that obligitory girl in the group. And... I don't get along with girls. Mind you, I was getting along with her just fine until something happened with one of the guys that was a complete accident on my part. She doesn't know the whole story, but she's very protective of Atlas in particular. And even though he and I have talked about this, because it happened between the TWO OF US, she took offense and hasn't let know. Of course in person it's all play nice, but there's definitely a power struggle going on. Mary gets to be included in the group automatically because she's one of the guys' girlfriends. I'm just Mary's friend. No matter how much of a nice person I am or how many good intentions I may have, this girl does not like me. And she has no intention of changing that opinion at all.
So It's a girl power struggle. I'm encroaching on territory that was hers. I'm encroaching on a guy she's super-protective of. I'm the invader. The guys don't get it, Mary understands it for the most part, but I only can really understand - I was there 3 years ago. Sometimes I forget that there is such a big difference between 20 and (nearly) 23. True, she deals with different life stuff that I won't even go near for five more years at least. But I've dealt with other relationship issues in the last four years. I've dealt with a lot of personal change and growth. I used to be the power play girl.
It is still very evident she doesn't like me. And, now that I'm closer to Atlas - and in some ways I feel like I might be pushing him away - it makes a difference. Because, if I want to continue my friendship with Atlas, I have to talk to her.
But her powerplay games will eventually come to an end. I'm leaving in 54 days. I would like the next 54 days to be pleasant. I would like to keep my new group of friends.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Can you believe this???
Charlie just called me. Here's how our conversation went:
Charlie: What're you up to?
Me: Hanging out. You?
C: Same. What are you doing tonight?
Me: I'm going to Atlas' to hang out.
C: You're cheating on me already?
Me: We're not together.
C: I was going to invite you out with us tonight.
Me: I already have plans. I've got films and parties the next couple of nights too.
C: Aren't you popular? Parties and stuff.
Me: Yes, I am.
C: Well you moved on fast.
Me: I've got to go. Talk to you later.
C: *hangs up*
In what WORLD... no what UNIVERSE would he think that I would go hang out with him. WHY would I spend time with someone who said they saw no future with me. If it were both of us with Roxie, then that would be something different. But I would definitely not be hanging out with him this week. Or ever. He was/is a jerk, so why would I hang out with him? As if.
Charlie: What're you up to?
Me: Hanging out. You?
C: Same. What are you doing tonight?
Me: I'm going to Atlas' to hang out.
C: You're cheating on me already?
Me: We're not together.
C: I was going to invite you out with us tonight.
Me: I already have plans. I've got films and parties the next couple of nights too.
C: Aren't you popular? Parties and stuff.
Me: Yes, I am.
C: Well you moved on fast.
Me: I've got to go. Talk to you later.
C: *hangs up*
In what WORLD... no what UNIVERSE would he think that I would go hang out with him. WHY would I spend time with someone who said they saw no future with me. If it were both of us with Roxie, then that would be something different. But I would definitely not be hanging out with him this week. Or ever. He was/is a jerk, so why would I hang out with him? As if.
Atlas.
I've been hanging out with him a lot this week. It's been great knowing there is someone to always hang out with that is dependable. We've been really getting to know each other a lot the last month, and it's been great. We've had two interesting weeks.
****ATLAS!!! Do you really want to read about yourself???****
Okay, he got fair warning.
Atlas is one amazing guy. He's sweet and caring. He goes out of his way for his friends. But he's still sad. He is not completely healed from his last relationship. I've been reading an article about this, how our firsts can hurt us, but that relationships after that can be better. That we learn and grow.
But his heart is not open. And he doesn't know why it's not. I wish I could help him get better, but it's something he has to do himself.
He would be a good partner, in time, after his heart has healed. I look forward to that time.
I've seen or hung out with him almost every day for the last week and a half. It's been amazing just having someone to be with and to depend on. It's weird when I don't hear from him.
****ATLAS!!! Do you really want to read about yourself???****
Okay, he got fair warning.
Atlas is one amazing guy. He's sweet and caring. He goes out of his way for his friends. But he's still sad. He is not completely healed from his last relationship. I've been reading an article about this, how our firsts can hurt us, but that relationships after that can be better. That we learn and grow.
But his heart is not open. And he doesn't know why it's not. I wish I could help him get better, but it's something he has to do himself.
He would be a good partner, in time, after his heart has healed. I look forward to that time.
I've seen or hung out with him almost every day for the last week and a half. It's been amazing just having someone to be with and to depend on. It's weird when I don't hear from him.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Third time is still a failure
Well things with Charlie are O-V-E-R. Should have had this conversation a long time ago.
C: why u frontin cutie?
Me: i thought you were taking a shower
C: im naked................... NOW
Me: ooo baby
C: u know u like it
Me: oh yeah.
C: stop frontin
Me: me? i never
C: would u fuck me? i would fuck me
Me: do you really want to know
C: what do u have to say
Me: i would.
C: yah im sayin, i know u would. so watch some porn, see whats up, and then give me a call
lol u got that?
Me: i got that
C: and hurry up maneee lol
Me: you know i'm really not going to have sex. even though i want to
C: which is why i cant mess with u
personally..
i like to test drive the car im about to buy
idk about u
Me: understandable
C: i dont want to dissapoint u
but u know where im comin from
ive already had sex with women b4 and to shut it off on something idk completely if i have a future with is blasphemy
Me: so... b/c you don't see something potentially happening with us, you don't want to risk it and get to the point of doing everything else physical except actual intercourse
C: all im sayin is u only live once
and u dont know what ur missing out on
head is fine
all that is cool
but sex is human nature
its natural
and i dont care who tells me its bad
Me: sex is human nature but you're not the one who has to live with the consequences
C: oh ok
Me: it's not bad, it's just not something i'm choosing for myself right now
C: bc ur the chosen one
thats ok
im not downing u for ur beliefs
thats understandable
i just dont get it personally
Me: okay, so you're not go for anything with me, because i won't go all the way. but you understand where i'm coming from
C: im saying im not gonna let myself get wrapped into you
bc sex is important in a relationship
i didnt say not anything
but i dont think it will become very serious without sex
all im sayin
Me: so what do you want or expect from this. because i'm okay if things don't become very serious, but i'm still interested in you.
C: i dont ever expect anything from people
i take it as it comes
im not judgemental
i just notice things that i like and things i dont
Me: so what do you want
C: nothing at all
i dont demand things
i just know what i want
which is a healthy relationship, with regular sex
im being blunt about it but u asked
Me: okay that's fair
but i'm wondering if you're up for something casual and fun and not that serious, or if you are really looking for something more serious
C: idk if u know my past with being friends with roxie and everything
but when i want to get serious with somebody i do
and thats just what im looking for.
i know what i deserve and i dont settle
Me: you shouldn't settle, but we should have had this conversation a while ago
Every other thought I've had about him is now obsolete. Ignore everything because he's so over with. I'm glad I learned what I did, but now it's time to move on. It just makes me laugh that he lied to me, something he doesn't like, or says he doesn't. More truth was told tonight than not. It also is funny that he said he wanted a serious relationship like he had before. But his ex CHEATED ON HIM!!! If that's what you want, then go for it.
C: why u frontin cutie?
Me: i thought you were taking a shower
C: im naked................... NOW
Me: ooo baby
C: u know u like it
Me: oh yeah.
C: stop frontin
Me: me? i never
C: would u fuck me? i would fuck me
Me: do you really want to know
C: what do u have to say
Me: i would.
C: yah im sayin, i know u would. so watch some porn, see whats up, and then give me a call
lol u got that?
Me: i got that
C: and hurry up maneee lol
Me: you know i'm really not going to have sex. even though i want to
C: which is why i cant mess with u
personally..
i like to test drive the car im about to buy
idk about u
Me: understandable
C: i dont want to dissapoint u
but u know where im comin from
ive already had sex with women b4 and to shut it off on something idk completely if i have a future with is blasphemy
Me: so... b/c you don't see something potentially happening with us, you don't want to risk it and get to the point of doing everything else physical except actual intercourse
C: all im sayin is u only live once
and u dont know what ur missing out on
head is fine
all that is cool
but sex is human nature
its natural
and i dont care who tells me its bad
Me: sex is human nature but you're not the one who has to live with the consequences
C: oh ok
Me: it's not bad, it's just not something i'm choosing for myself right now
C: bc ur the chosen one
thats ok
im not downing u for ur beliefs
thats understandable
i just dont get it personally
Me: okay, so you're not go for anything with me, because i won't go all the way. but you understand where i'm coming from
C: im saying im not gonna let myself get wrapped into you
bc sex is important in a relationship
i didnt say not anything
but i dont think it will become very serious without sex
all im sayin
Me: so what do you want or expect from this. because i'm okay if things don't become very serious, but i'm still interested in you.
C: i dont ever expect anything from people
i take it as it comes
im not judgemental
i just notice things that i like and things i dont
Me: so what do you want
C: nothing at all
i dont demand things
i just know what i want
which is a healthy relationship, with regular sex
im being blunt about it but u asked
Me: okay that's fair
but i'm wondering if you're up for something casual and fun and not that serious, or if you are really looking for something more serious
C: idk if u know my past with being friends with roxie and everything
but when i want to get serious with somebody i do
and thats just what im looking for.
i know what i deserve and i dont settle
Me: you shouldn't settle, but we should have had this conversation a while ago
Every other thought I've had about him is now obsolete. Ignore everything because he's so over with. I'm glad I learned what I did, but now it's time to move on. It just makes me laugh that he lied to me, something he doesn't like, or says he doesn't. More truth was told tonight than not. It also is funny that he said he wanted a serious relationship like he had before. But his ex CHEATED ON HIM!!! If that's what you want, then go for it.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Charlie.
Oi vey.
I know I shouldn't like him because he is a jerk, but he has that chemical/pysiological attraction going for him. He's the total opposite of guys I normally like. Tall, red hair, freckles... and I hate to admit it, but I trust him. Not in the emotional sense, but in the physical sense. I'm ready to experiment with boys within my limitations. I need to learn to kiss. To make guys happy. And to learn to be able to let myself be happy with them. I trust Charlie with this; and ONLY because (and this kind of seems weird) Roxie trusts him as a person. I've known Roxie for 15+ years, and if she trusts him as a friend, then I will trust him too. Kind of messed up I know, but that's the conclusion I've come up with for why I like to keep him around. Plus, he makes me smile and he's a lot of fun - when he's not being a jerk.
We haven't seen each other in over a week. But I did talk to him on Sunday, and he invited me out with his family next week. We had some drama this week, but now it's way over and I'm past explaining it. It has to do with me thinking I drunk texted him and then him asking me what happened... but I didn't drunk message him. Anyway, not the point.
He called me on Sunday and we had a nice conversation for a while. It was really nice. And he invited me out with his family next Sunday. Should be interesting. If it really happens. I want to invite him to the D1s on Friday. But who knows. Plus, Brandon and I are going on Saturday to the D3s.
He's officially on summer schedule now - so we'll see if things change and we can hang out more. As I get more and more *ahem* frustrated I want to see him.
I know I shouldn't like him because he is a jerk, but he has that chemical/pysiological attraction going for him. He's the total opposite of guys I normally like. Tall, red hair, freckles... and I hate to admit it, but I trust him. Not in the emotional sense, but in the physical sense. I'm ready to experiment with boys within my limitations. I need to learn to kiss. To make guys happy. And to learn to be able to let myself be happy with them. I trust Charlie with this; and ONLY because (and this kind of seems weird) Roxie trusts him as a person. I've known Roxie for 15+ years, and if she trusts him as a friend, then I will trust him too. Kind of messed up I know, but that's the conclusion I've come up with for why I like to keep him around. Plus, he makes me smile and he's a lot of fun - when he's not being a jerk.
We haven't seen each other in over a week. But I did talk to him on Sunday, and he invited me out with his family next week. We had some drama this week, but now it's way over and I'm past explaining it. It has to do with me thinking I drunk texted him and then him asking me what happened... but I didn't drunk message him. Anyway, not the point.
He called me on Sunday and we had a nice conversation for a while. It was really nice. And he invited me out with his family next Sunday. Should be interesting. If it really happens. I want to invite him to the D1s on Friday. But who knows. Plus, Brandon and I are going on Saturday to the D3s.
He's officially on summer schedule now - so we'll see if things change and we can hang out more. As I get more and more *ahem* frustrated I want to see him.
Something in the water
I wanted to start this as a weekly round-up of events, but they really differ from person to person. And so much happened this week I'll just have to split it up that way. Also, something of note, I'm going to start tagging posts with people as well so that trends will be easier to follow later.
So many people are getting engaged, married, and having babies now. I often randomly see people I used to know on facebook talking about engagements and babies, but I don't really care about them.
The other day my friend texted me that she was engaged to her adoring boyfriend. They have been together for many 2 years now, or just about. And they did the long distance thing for over 7 months. And the few times that I've seen him in person... damn, I wish someone would look at me the way he looks at her. He ADORES her with all his heart. And his heart is so pure of intention and good will, it makes me melt. I am so freaking happy for both of them. It seriously wants to make me cry with joy.
My first kiss's pictures are up from him engagement photo shoot. I've forgotten how handsome he is, and how much better he looks all clean shaven. He's in the Marines, so they did part of the photo shoot in his dress blues, and he's just gorgeous. And his fiance isn't bad looking either. It's been nice to see all these pictures of engagement photo shoots because then I'll know what I like when the time is right.
Another set of my friends are getting married next month. I have to send my RSVP in this week. Tomorrow in fact. I've been carrying it around for two weeks trying to figure out if I should say I'm bringing a guest or not. I don't want to go to the wedding by myself. Not another wedding alone. Although, I might meet some single guy. But then again, it could be all couples all over again. At least I am really good friends with one of the groomsmen and I know he's single. Maybe I'll just mark single. I am so happy for the two of them as well.
And finally, a friend of mine is having a baby. I'm happy for him, because he's happy. But it's just weird. I still think we're young to be having babies right now, but I'm happy for him if he's happy. Speaking of babies, this other girl I know is about to pop any day. My family is close with hers, so YAY! I get to hold a baby soon! That will help put my longings at ease for a while.
So many people are getting engaged, married, and having babies now. I often randomly see people I used to know on facebook talking about engagements and babies, but I don't really care about them.
The other day my friend texted me that she was engaged to her adoring boyfriend. They have been together for many 2 years now, or just about. And they did the long distance thing for over 7 months. And the few times that I've seen him in person... damn, I wish someone would look at me the way he looks at her. He ADORES her with all his heart. And his heart is so pure of intention and good will, it makes me melt. I am so freaking happy for both of them. It seriously wants to make me cry with joy.
My first kiss's pictures are up from him engagement photo shoot. I've forgotten how handsome he is, and how much better he looks all clean shaven. He's in the Marines, so they did part of the photo shoot in his dress blues, and he's just gorgeous. And his fiance isn't bad looking either. It's been nice to see all these pictures of engagement photo shoots because then I'll know what I like when the time is right.
Another set of my friends are getting married next month. I have to send my RSVP in this week. Tomorrow in fact. I've been carrying it around for two weeks trying to figure out if I should say I'm bringing a guest or not. I don't want to go to the wedding by myself. Not another wedding alone. Although, I might meet some single guy. But then again, it could be all couples all over again. At least I am really good friends with one of the groomsmen and I know he's single. Maybe I'll just mark single. I am so happy for the two of them as well.
And finally, a friend of mine is having a baby. I'm happy for him, because he's happy. But it's just weird. I still think we're young to be having babies right now, but I'm happy for him if he's happy. Speaking of babies, this other girl I know is about to pop any day. My family is close with hers, so YAY! I get to hold a baby soon! That will help put my longings at ease for a while.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Elasticity
What a weekend.
Friday: I invited Charlie to this party on Friday night. I messaged him, but didn't hear from him at all. So I went to the party with Nikki and a friend of ours. Nikki had talked about wanting to start going out to the bars with me to meet guys. I said, sure, no problem, you can come with me anytime. I'll let you know when we're going out. We get to the party, I talk to everyone and then I'm kind of bored because I didn't know a ton of people there, and it's been kind of rough since I graduated... I drove, so when Nikki was getting kind of bored, she mentioned about going out and I said we could go to the bar. I had thought I knew which one Charlie and his friends would be at, so of course I wanted to go hang out. I made my rounds telling everyone goodbye, only to find out that that db Nikki used to have a crush on showed up and started talking to her. We had to stay a long time longer. Anyway, eventually left... blah blah blah. Went home crashed.
Saturday: I had an actual plan to meet someone I'd been talking to before I met Charlie, but never had a chance to meet with in person. So finally, on Saturday we got to meet for the first time after messaging and texting for a while. Brandon* is really cute, very nice. He is into movies. And it's the first actual date I've been on in over a month. We go out for sushi and walk around. He walks me back to my car, and I give him a half hug. Hey, it was a day date, so there are different protocols. If it was a night date it may have ended differently. Brandon knew i was meeting up with a friend later to go to a movie and drinks with later. But i didn't know what time. As i was halfway home he asked if I wanted to hang at his place until i heard from my friend. i said maybe next time. We did the whole, I had a great time we should hang out again thing. Success. So I message Charlie when I get home to find out if we were still on for that afternoon. Here's how it went. Note: We had three sets of text messages sent at the same time.
Me: Are we stil good for the movie and drinks today?
C: no. I'm just getting off work. I have to study tonight for my test on tues.
Me: Ok. Maybe another time.
C: Forsure.
Me: Maybe we can go to Borders and study?
(30 minutes later - I've already called other people to make plans for that night.)
Me: Nvm. Have fun studying. (same time #1)
C: I have a study party planned: (same time #1)
C: wth?
C: U need to honestly chill out. I was on the phone when u txt me. negative additudes r NOT attractive to me. (same time #2)
Me: I have other plans now. That's the nvm. Have fun at your study party. Pizza might helpthings :) (same time #2)
Me: It wasn't supposed to be negative. i was just letting you know I had something else going on so just to nvm and to have fun. (same time #3)
C: help things? What do i need help with? (same time #3)
Me:It's food. Food always helps. (same time #4)
C: ha. Riiiiight. Howabout explaining that instead of reacting the way u did? (same time #4)
C: fuck yah! I'm hungry as shit
I left it like that. I decided to be Jedi and just not be aggressive or angry. Just chill. i met up with Atlas and another friend. We went to "Kick-Ass" and out for drinks (which was my original plan for the night with Charlie) and then we went to Atlas's house for pancakes. What an amazing end for the night. I ended up back at home around 2am - passed out.
Charlie called me at 2:30am. It went a little like this:
"Hello?"
"What are you doing?"
"Hanging about."
"Did you just say hanging about?"
"Yeah..."
"I'm on my way home. You should come over."
"I just got home."
"Come over."
"ummm no."
"So I'll see you in about 30 mintues."
"Goodnight."
*hang up*
text from C: ur so weird..
Sunday: Go over to my parentals, and my dad makes breakfast. Yummm. Then we go to the movies to see "Kick-Ass" (You bet I saw that AMAZING film twice in less than 24 hours. It was that kick ass!) And I get a text from Charlie while the twenty (effing twenty) is rolling.
text from C: Hey dude my bad. i was drunk last night. Thanks for not coming over. Whats up?
I respond and he doesn't.
After the movie and dinner with my parents, i go to this graduation party for a high school student at a youth ministry I used to volunteer with. So i leave around 8... and I call Charlie on my way home. He's out by my house eating with some friends. I told him, he said he'd never seen my house, so I invited him over to play Scene It. He said he would call on his way.
I didn't think he would come, but I started to straighten up my room just in case. It needed it anyway because I don't remember what my floor looks like anymore. I told myself I'd only clean the bathroom (alright, scrub the toliet) if he called and said he was on his way. He calls. I scramble to clean real quick. Spray smelly stuff everywhere. My roomies aren't home. We play Scene It. I kick his ass. He doesn't like it. Ha. Then we play more boring video games, he plays guitar... He starts to fall asleep. He says we'l talk tomorrow. He goes home. No hug. No kiss. Just hanging out. Which works just fine for me. And we still haven't talked about anything important...
So that's probably the longest post ever. Hopefully I'll start being more up to date instead of leaving the whole weekend for one post.
Friday: I invited Charlie to this party on Friday night. I messaged him, but didn't hear from him at all. So I went to the party with Nikki and a friend of ours. Nikki had talked about wanting to start going out to the bars with me to meet guys. I said, sure, no problem, you can come with me anytime. I'll let you know when we're going out. We get to the party, I talk to everyone and then I'm kind of bored because I didn't know a ton of people there, and it's been kind of rough since I graduated... I drove, so when Nikki was getting kind of bored, she mentioned about going out and I said we could go to the bar. I had thought I knew which one Charlie and his friends would be at, so of course I wanted to go hang out. I made my rounds telling everyone goodbye, only to find out that that db Nikki used to have a crush on showed up and started talking to her. We had to stay a long time longer. Anyway, eventually left... blah blah blah. Went home crashed.
Saturday: I had an actual plan to meet someone I'd been talking to before I met Charlie, but never had a chance to meet with in person. So finally, on Saturday we got to meet for the first time after messaging and texting for a while. Brandon* is really cute, very nice. He is into movies. And it's the first actual date I've been on in over a month. We go out for sushi and walk around. He walks me back to my car, and I give him a half hug. Hey, it was a day date, so there are different protocols. If it was a night date it may have ended differently. Brandon knew i was meeting up with a friend later to go to a movie and drinks with later. But i didn't know what time. As i was halfway home he asked if I wanted to hang at his place until i heard from my friend. i said maybe next time. We did the whole, I had a great time we should hang out again thing. Success. So I message Charlie when I get home to find out if we were still on for that afternoon. Here's how it went. Note: We had three sets of text messages sent at the same time.
Me: Are we stil good for the movie and drinks today?
C: no. I'm just getting off work. I have to study tonight for my test on tues.
Me: Ok. Maybe another time.
C: Forsure.
Me: Maybe we can go to Borders and study?
(30 minutes later - I've already called other people to make plans for that night.)
Me: Nvm. Have fun studying. (same time #1)
C: I have a study party planned: (same time #1)
C: wth?
C: U need to honestly chill out. I was on the phone when u txt me. negative additudes r NOT attractive to me. (same time #2)
Me: I have other plans now. That's the nvm. Have fun at your study party. Pizza might helpthings :) (same time #2)
Me: It wasn't supposed to be negative. i was just letting you know I had something else going on so just to nvm and to have fun. (same time #3)
C: help things? What do i need help with? (same time #3)
Me:It's food. Food always helps. (same time #4)
C: ha. Riiiiight. Howabout explaining that instead of reacting the way u did? (same time #4)
C: fuck yah! I'm hungry as shit
I left it like that. I decided to be Jedi and just not be aggressive or angry. Just chill. i met up with Atlas and another friend. We went to "Kick-Ass" and out for drinks (which was my original plan for the night with Charlie) and then we went to Atlas's house for pancakes. What an amazing end for the night. I ended up back at home around 2am - passed out.
Charlie called me at 2:30am. It went a little like this:
"Hello?"
"What are you doing?"
"Hanging about."
"Did you just say hanging about?"
"Yeah..."
"I'm on my way home. You should come over."
"I just got home."
"Come over."
"ummm no."
"So I'll see you in about 30 mintues."
"Goodnight."
*hang up*
text from C: ur so weird..
Sunday: Go over to my parentals, and my dad makes breakfast. Yummm. Then we go to the movies to see "Kick-Ass" (You bet I saw that AMAZING film twice in less than 24 hours. It was that kick ass!) And I get a text from Charlie while the twenty (effing twenty) is rolling.
text from C: Hey dude my bad. i was drunk last night. Thanks for not coming over. Whats up?
I respond and he doesn't.
After the movie and dinner with my parents, i go to this graduation party for a high school student at a youth ministry I used to volunteer with. So i leave around 8... and I call Charlie on my way home. He's out by my house eating with some friends. I told him, he said he'd never seen my house, so I invited him over to play Scene It. He said he would call on his way.
I didn't think he would come, but I started to straighten up my room just in case. It needed it anyway because I don't remember what my floor looks like anymore. I told myself I'd only clean the bathroom (alright, scrub the toliet) if he called and said he was on his way. He calls. I scramble to clean real quick. Spray smelly stuff everywhere. My roomies aren't home. We play Scene It. I kick his ass. He doesn't like it. Ha. Then we play more boring video games, he plays guitar... He starts to fall asleep. He says we'l talk tomorrow. He goes home. No hug. No kiss. Just hanging out. Which works just fine for me. And we still haven't talked about anything important...
So that's probably the longest post ever. Hopefully I'll start being more up to date instead of leaving the whole weekend for one post.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
What I think they want is not always right
Last night I texted Charlie about what he's doing Saturday night - after the thoughtful conclusions from my friends. I said he was going with me to see "Kick Ass" and then we would go out for drinks and then we might head back to his place. He said he didn't know about the whole staying there thing. He said he didn't want a repeat of what happened last time.
At this point I start to freak out mentally. What if he takes a million steps back like David did and just disappear? I don't want that to happen, especially because I really like Charlie. I was trying to figure out which part of the other night was the problem. It's because I'm a virgin and things got a little awkward. I responded:
He seemed cool about going out just the two of us earlier on Saturday. Which I'm really excited about because it seems like all our other hang out time is always with Roxie and we're never really alone.
I was a little forward in my text. I fall into the same media trap as everyone else my age, that sex is the driving force of a relationship, but I know that's not true. Actually, maybe more that sex is what will keep guys around. And I'm a lustful creature. I know this is a problem with me. I go too hard too fast and it is not good.
I am all theoretical and fantastical, no practical applications. I'm so new to learning all this. None of this was a thought in my mind even 10 months ago. And the last month has been a whirlwind of experiences. A totally new surrounding than I have ever been in my life. New people, new places... Different feelings.
He said we'll talk about it.
And I really want to, especially in person. I want to be able to read his face. I'm much better with body language and audible tones face to face than over the phone.
I don't want to come of as a slut. And I don't think of him as a man-whore. But I am not used to someone finding me desirable in the least, and when I do I want to latch on and hold on for dear life. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, with so much passion and kindness to offer someone. But I have so much to learn.
And I miss my old best friend. She would know what to say.
At this point I start to freak out mentally. What if he takes a million steps back like David did and just disappear? I don't want that to happen, especially because I really like Charlie. I was trying to figure out which part of the other night was the problem. It's because I'm a virgin and things got a little awkward. I responded:
They did. But you also have to realize that was the first time any guy has seen me in any state of undress. I can be more open if you just allow me the chance to try to not be so nervous. We can talk about this if you want. Are you saying you wouldn't want to do that again with me?
He seemed cool about going out just the two of us earlier on Saturday. Which I'm really excited about because it seems like all our other hang out time is always with Roxie and we're never really alone.
I was a little forward in my text. I fall into the same media trap as everyone else my age, that sex is the driving force of a relationship, but I know that's not true. Actually, maybe more that sex is what will keep guys around. And I'm a lustful creature. I know this is a problem with me. I go too hard too fast and it is not good.
I am all theoretical and fantastical, no practical applications. I'm so new to learning all this. None of this was a thought in my mind even 10 months ago. And the last month has been a whirlwind of experiences. A totally new surrounding than I have ever been in my life. New people, new places... Different feelings.
He said we'll talk about it.
And I really want to, especially in person. I want to be able to read his face. I'm much better with body language and audible tones face to face than over the phone.
I don't want to come of as a slut. And I don't think of him as a man-whore. But I am not used to someone finding me desirable in the least, and when I do I want to latch on and hold on for dear life. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, with so much passion and kindness to offer someone. But I have so much to learn.
And I miss my old best friend. She would know what to say.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Get out your decoder rings
Me: Were you and [...] serious about wanting to be an extra in a film?
Charlie: lol. Did he say that?
Me: I thought that's what I remembered from the Demetri Martin thing. Maybe I just misunderstood.
Charlie: oh yah. That would be tight. I was like, when did she meet him? lol
Me: There's this party on Friday that's also going to be partially filmed and needs people for the scene if you're interested.
Charlie: What am I doing Saturday
Me: Idk? Working?
Charlie: probably lol. I mean later..
Me: I don't remember. What's Saturday?
Charlie: hmm?
WTF does this mean??? Is is innuendo? I seriously can't tell. So any guys out their with your super secret guy club decoder ring get them out and tell me what this means please. Because I have no flippin clue.
Charlie: lol. Did he say that?
Me: I thought that's what I remembered from the Demetri Martin thing. Maybe I just misunderstood.
Charlie: oh yah. That would be tight. I was like, when did she meet him? lol
Me: There's this party on Friday that's also going to be partially filmed and needs people for the scene if you're interested.
Charlie: What am I doing Saturday
Me: Idk? Working?
Charlie: probably lol. I mean later..
Me: I don't remember. What's Saturday?
Charlie: hmm?
WTF does this mean??? Is is innuendo? I seriously can't tell. So any guys out their with your super secret guy club decoder ring get them out and tell me what this means please. Because I have no flippin clue.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Cock-Blocking BITCH
All Roxie does is complain complain and complain. We get to the movie and she says she really doesn't want to see it. And she doesn't take my "because I want to" as a valid reason for not wanting to get a tan. And she likes me better as blonde. Well fuck you!
After the movie, she admits she likes it!!!
We go out to Outback afterwards. She calls Charlie to join us. He said that sounds like a good idea. We order our food, and our appetizers come out, so I tell her she should ask what he wants so we can order it for him. She instead tells him he isn't going to make it. FUCKING BITCH! She knows I like him but she just tells him not to come out. And well dammit I wanted to tell him about something going on Friday he might be interested in.
*sigh*
I get home at 11 and I finally give in and text him telling him about friday. I didn't get a yes or a no, just that he has something going on Saturday and he expected me to remember what it was. I told him i didn't, and asked what it was again. He said "hmm?" So I just left it at that. If he wants to explain it, he will.
So I'm just going to let life live out and do whatever it does.
After the movie, she admits she likes it!!!
We go out to Outback afterwards. She calls Charlie to join us. He said that sounds like a good idea. We order our food, and our appetizers come out, so I tell her she should ask what he wants so we can order it for him. She instead tells him he isn't going to make it. FUCKING BITCH! She knows I like him but she just tells him not to come out. And well dammit I wanted to tell him about something going on Friday he might be interested in.
*sigh*
I get home at 11 and I finally give in and text him telling him about friday. I didn't get a yes or a no, just that he has something going on Saturday and he expected me to remember what it was. I told him i didn't, and asked what it was again. He said "hmm?" So I just left it at that. If he wants to explain it, he will.
So I'm just going to let life live out and do whatever it does.
Monday, April 12, 2010
So I'm writing a little sexy story...
Friday night was amazing. Let me say this about Charlie since I basically was angry earlier today.
Okay, here goes.
Friday night Roxie and I were going to go meet up with one of her friends and go to the Cape to a bar on the water. Well that friend never got a hold of her, so us - dressed up and looking hott - head out to the bar to meet up with Charlie and his friends.
We get there, have some drinks, hang out. I'm getting tipsy, so when walking inside to out, I hold onto Charlie's arm, and he helps keep me up. I walk close by him at the table and he brushes my knee and I know he's looking for something else that night... possibly.
We move to a different bar, where they have other pool tables. So we get large drinks and play pool. So I end up playing pool on the team opposite of Charlie. And my boobs are looking hott and glorious. So when the other team is up, I'm leaning against the table acting as a distraction. It worked, my team won.
I had a few more shots with the guys, talked a little bit. Then Charlie and I played pool against each other. We had out bets. My winnings were much more innocent than his, but you bet I threw that game. I guess the alcohol didn't hurt either.
An hour or so later we end up back at his place. And we fooled around. It was like it was with Samson, but more intense and less clothing. He definitely made me feel better about myself. And he's so gorgeous. And he makes me feel pretty...
I stay the night - leave in the morning. And yes, my hymen and Vcard are still intact.
I don't text him, but he messages me at 11:30 am.
Roxie tells me later that the guys from Friday night thing that I'm so much hotter than his ex. And that I've got a body they just wanna *UHH* Surprisingly, that makes me feel really good about myself. And that's something that could help push him one way or the other about me. If the guys tell him. And I share this with Roxie, but she decides that she's just going to tell him herself Saturday night when a bunch of us were out at the bar. I knew what she was doing when she was doing it. And there was all this other drama...
In any case he did message me on Sunday - although it was short and weird... Monday - he message me but it was a little rude. Tonight, I did message him about a party friday night... I'm not going to talk about tonight yet. But hello, look, he is messaging me.
But I was so nervous when I was with him on Friday night. I've never done this with anyone before. I know where my lines are, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try more.
So I started to write him a story about why I am like I am, and what I would like to eventually get to... But he kind of nixed that idea... oh well.
Okay, here goes.
Friday night Roxie and I were going to go meet up with one of her friends and go to the Cape to a bar on the water. Well that friend never got a hold of her, so us - dressed up and looking hott - head out to the bar to meet up with Charlie and his friends.
We get there, have some drinks, hang out. I'm getting tipsy, so when walking inside to out, I hold onto Charlie's arm, and he helps keep me up. I walk close by him at the table and he brushes my knee and I know he's looking for something else that night... possibly.
We move to a different bar, where they have other pool tables. So we get large drinks and play pool. So I end up playing pool on the team opposite of Charlie. And my boobs are looking hott and glorious. So when the other team is up, I'm leaning against the table acting as a distraction. It worked, my team won.
I had a few more shots with the guys, talked a little bit. Then Charlie and I played pool against each other. We had out bets. My winnings were much more innocent than his, but you bet I threw that game. I guess the alcohol didn't hurt either.
An hour or so later we end up back at his place. And we fooled around. It was like it was with Samson, but more intense and less clothing. He definitely made me feel better about myself. And he's so gorgeous. And he makes me feel pretty...
I stay the night - leave in the morning. And yes, my hymen and Vcard are still intact.
I don't text him, but he messages me at 11:30 am.
Roxie tells me later that the guys from Friday night thing that I'm so much hotter than his ex. And that I've got a body they just wanna *UHH* Surprisingly, that makes me feel really good about myself. And that's something that could help push him one way or the other about me. If the guys tell him. And I share this with Roxie, but she decides that she's just going to tell him herself Saturday night when a bunch of us were out at the bar. I knew what she was doing when she was doing it. And there was all this other drama...
In any case he did message me on Sunday - although it was short and weird... Monday - he message me but it was a little rude. Tonight, I did message him about a party friday night... I'm not going to talk about tonight yet. But hello, look, he is messaging me.
But I was so nervous when I was with him on Friday night. I've never done this with anyone before. I know where my lines are, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try more.
So I started to write him a story about why I am like I am, and what I would like to eventually get to... But he kind of nixed that idea... oh well.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Hypocracies
I'm really getting sick and tired of Roxie. She's over stepping her bounds on some things. She expects people to know better and respect her privacy but then she goes and tells Charlie something that would be better heard from those who said it. And now it makes things between me and Charlie awkward...
I'm sick of:
the way she talks down to me
her condescending tone when she talks to me about life
how she lectures me on everything
how I say something, and she tries to refute it, but ends up saying what I just said
she asks what's wrong, and then lectures me when I try to tell her
constantly, CONSTANTLY, lecturing me on how things work differently between my world and her world, without letting me try to figure it out on my own
I've just given up trying to fight her. I'm trying to be a good person here. I'm the only good friend she has, that has great morals and values. Who actually has known her for 15 years. I don't let her change me or change how I view the world. I just keep adapting to the different groups how I always have and just try to be myself.
But DAMMIT! I just want to fucking curse her out and leave it at that.
I'm sick of:
the way she talks down to me
her condescending tone when she talks to me about life
how she lectures me on everything
how I say something, and she tries to refute it, but ends up saying what I just said
she asks what's wrong, and then lectures me when I try to tell her
constantly, CONSTANTLY, lecturing me on how things work differently between my world and her world, without letting me try to figure it out on my own
I've just given up trying to fight her. I'm trying to be a good person here. I'm the only good friend she has, that has great morals and values. Who actually has known her for 15 years. I don't let her change me or change how I view the world. I just keep adapting to the different groups how I always have and just try to be myself.
But DAMMIT! I just want to fucking curse her out and leave it at that.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Drunk texts, drunk dials and a whole lot of nothing
Had a nasty end to work yesterday, so I wanted to go out and get a drink. I know that Charlie goes out on Tuesday nights. Work that doesn't start until later after a long day of classes, I'd want to go out for drinks too. He's a man, and let's face it, men are creatures of habit. There were two places he might have chosen to go to.
Anyway, after my sucky day, we were texting and I was basically dropping hints I wanted to go out drinking. After half an hour of him NOT GETTING IT, I tell him he either invites me or he doesn't. So he asks when I'm getting off work and he'll text me where we're going... all that jazz. Okay cool. So we're in texting mode for the next few hours. Last I hear from him is about 10:30pm. I figure we'd probably not go out until 10:30/11/11:30 or so. Not too much of a big deal. But then I hear nothing. So... I get upset. Fucking boys.
I end up in my car around 1ish driving around town. Going the opposite direction of where I know he is. And then I find out that Atlas has been having a really shitty night too. At around 2, I met up with Atlas for late night snack and tried to cheer him up. And then... Charlie drunk texts me. And then drunk calls me... And this goes on for an hour.
I didn't send my normal encouraging text this morning. But he did text me at 10:30 trying to be all nice and asking me if I could help him with something. I wanted to text, I'm disinclined to help you because you were such a DB last night.
But I didn't. I said maybe.
Why are guys such assholes???
Anyway, after my sucky day, we were texting and I was basically dropping hints I wanted to go out drinking. After half an hour of him NOT GETTING IT, I tell him he either invites me or he doesn't. So he asks when I'm getting off work and he'll text me where we're going... all that jazz. Okay cool. So we're in texting mode for the next few hours. Last I hear from him is about 10:30pm. I figure we'd probably not go out until 10:30/11/11:30 or so. Not too much of a big deal. But then I hear nothing. So... I get upset. Fucking boys.
I end up in my car around 1ish driving around town. Going the opposite direction of where I know he is. And then I find out that Atlas has been having a really shitty night too. At around 2, I met up with Atlas for late night snack and tried to cheer him up. And then... Charlie drunk texts me. And then drunk calls me... And this goes on for an hour.
I didn't send my normal encouraging text this morning. But he did text me at 10:30 trying to be all nice and asking me if I could help him with something. I wanted to text, I'm disinclined to help you because you were such a DB last night.
But I didn't. I said maybe.
Why are guys such assholes???
I can't afford to get excited anymore
Every time something good appears to happen, it all goes to hell.
Charlie and I were supposed to go out tonight with some of his friends. I've been waiting around to find out details about when and where... and nothing. I'm all decked out, ready to go. Okay, sitting around in my satin chemise with my hair up and makeup on. I keep thinking, alright going downtown around 11 is normal. Going downtown around 12 is normal... It's not 12:14 - 45 minutes since the last I've talked to him.
I appreciate how I look. Why can't guys???
Charlie and I were supposed to go out tonight with some of his friends. I've been waiting around to find out details about when and where... and nothing. I'm all decked out, ready to go. Okay, sitting around in my satin chemise with my hair up and makeup on. I keep thinking, alright going downtown around 11 is normal. Going downtown around 12 is normal... It's not 12:14 - 45 minutes since the last I've talked to him.
I appreciate how I look. Why can't guys???
Friday, April 2, 2010
A chat with Atlas
Atlas* (A): Is that the new boy?
Me: yeah, what do you think?
i mean it's way complicated
as all things are
but he's the one i like
A: Hm.
Me: hm?
A: Dunno. I don't want to comment or speak out of context and offend you or anything.
Me: it's okay
i'm not easily offended
A: He just gives off this... bad vibe.
I can't really explain it.
Considering I've never met him, I could be wrong. Like polar opposites.
But from first glance, that's the impression I got.
Me: hmm other than a bad vibe... any other opinions?
A: He really didn't talk to me much so...
Although, that might be just me being quiet so I don't know.
Me: you are pretty quite when meeting new people. at least that's what i noticed when we first met
A: Anyways, is he interested?
Me: well let's break it down
last friday when we met we had a really awesome conversation and flirting for an hour or more and then we walked out to my car and talked for another hour, with some kissing
saturday we hung out with Roxie, helping him study for a test after watching a movie, then dinner with him and then Roxie left and we went to his place to study (for a bit) and kiss more
thenn we've hung out a couple of other times, with hugs the last two
and last night Roxie drove away and i was heading to my car, but he kept verbal interaction so we sat on his car and talked for a few more minutes and then i left
that's all the action evidence
and he asks me to call and text him
A: I'd say there is some interest.
Me: thanks that makes me feel better
he's got a lot of negative things going on right now, so i'm trying to be a positive influence
i send him an encouraging text every morning
A: He'll appreciate that, no doubt.
You're definitely laying a good base.
Me: i can only keep doing what i'm doing without trying to push it too far
i'm used to rules with how i interact with guys, but i'm finding that everything i've grown up with doesn't work
that and i've been on more dates and had more kisses in the last 6 months than in my entire life
A: If you ever need advice, let me know. I can give the male perspective, for the most part.
You're making progress then, hm?
Me: it's so new to me
and it's especially new to like someone who shows even a little bit of interest in me
A: Definitely a nice feeling.
Me: i'm freaking out most of the time because i don't know what to do
truth be told, i've never had a boyfriend
A: I'll be damned.
Me: what
A: That you've never had a boyfriend.
I'll be damned about it.
Surprised is all.
I've only had 2. So I'm just as inexperienced as far as quantity goes.
Me:but how long was each?
A: 1 was a month.
Other was 4 years.
Me: ok
surprised i've never had a bf b/c i'm so awesome?
A: Exactly.
Me: yeah, what do you think?
i mean it's way complicated
as all things are
but he's the one i like
A: Hm.
Me: hm?
A: Dunno. I don't want to comment or speak out of context and offend you or anything.
Me: it's okay
i'm not easily offended
A: He just gives off this... bad vibe.
I can't really explain it.
Considering I've never met him, I could be wrong. Like polar opposites.
But from first glance, that's the impression I got.
Me: hmm other than a bad vibe... any other opinions?
A: He really didn't talk to me much so...
Although, that might be just me being quiet so I don't know.
Me: you are pretty quite when meeting new people. at least that's what i noticed when we first met
A: Anyways, is he interested?
Me: well let's break it down
last friday when we met we had a really awesome conversation and flirting for an hour or more and then we walked out to my car and talked for another hour, with some kissing
saturday we hung out with Roxie, helping him study for a test after watching a movie, then dinner with him and then Roxie left and we went to his place to study (for a bit) and kiss more
thenn we've hung out a couple of other times, with hugs the last two
and last night Roxie drove away and i was heading to my car, but he kept verbal interaction so we sat on his car and talked for a few more minutes and then i left
that's all the action evidence
and he asks me to call and text him
A: I'd say there is some interest.
Me: thanks that makes me feel better
he's got a lot of negative things going on right now, so i'm trying to be a positive influence
i send him an encouraging text every morning
A: He'll appreciate that, no doubt.
You're definitely laying a good base.
Me: i can only keep doing what i'm doing without trying to push it too far
i'm used to rules with how i interact with guys, but i'm finding that everything i've grown up with doesn't work
that and i've been on more dates and had more kisses in the last 6 months than in my entire life
A: If you ever need advice, let me know. I can give the male perspective, for the most part.
You're making progress then, hm?
Me: it's so new to me
and it's especially new to like someone who shows even a little bit of interest in me
A: Definitely a nice feeling.
Me: i'm freaking out most of the time because i don't know what to do
truth be told, i've never had a boyfriend
A: I'll be damned.
Me: what
A: That you've never had a boyfriend.
I'll be damned about it.
Surprised is all.
I've only had 2. So I'm just as inexperienced as far as quantity goes.
Me:but how long was each?
A: 1 was a month.
Other was 4 years.
Me: ok
surprised i've never had a bf b/c i'm so awesome?
A: Exactly.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Let's play catchup
David is no more. He's deleted from my phone. No more texts. No calls. No nothing. He's out.
I did meet Charlie* this past weekend. We've had a great time the last two nights. Talking a lot, asking our mutual friend Roxie* about each other. We met through Roxie, and we'd seen each other before, but we got to talk on Friday. And we kissed. Hung out on Saturday. And we kissed. It's been nice. He's tall and nice. Kisses just right. Anyway, idk how to do the whole dating thing.
btw, Mary* is making me date other people. I've envn joined dating sites... yeah...
Back to Charlie. I don't know what to do!!! We've each talked to Roxie about each other. She's also warned him not to play games with me and that she'd choose my friendship over his in an instant. That's really nice of her. I wish I had more to say... Well I do but I need to wrap my head around it.
More later. Maybe?
I did meet Charlie* this past weekend. We've had a great time the last two nights. Talking a lot, asking our mutual friend Roxie* about each other. We met through Roxie, and we'd seen each other before, but we got to talk on Friday. And we kissed. Hung out on Saturday. And we kissed. It's been nice. He's tall and nice. Kisses just right. Anyway, idk how to do the whole dating thing.
btw, Mary* is making me date other people. I've envn joined dating sites... yeah...
Back to Charlie. I don't know what to do!!! We've each talked to Roxie about each other. She's also warned him not to play games with me and that she'd choose my friendship over his in an instant. That's really nice of her. I wish I had more to say... Well I do but I need to wrap my head around it.
More later. Maybe?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Royally Screwed
Normally I would never say anything about politics. I have my political beliefs, you have yours, and let's not ram them down eachother's throats. Most people can't have a rational conversation about politics, because they tend to have a deep root into our own personal beliefs, that I just don't talk about them. So I won't say anything... especially since someone else has already said it better than I would.
Fundamental Human Rights and Health Care Reform
Fundamental Human Rights and Health Care Reform
Stand up for your true, fundamental human rights and stop conceding them to your government.
Our next revolution is far overdue.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Late night out
David and I hung out Monday and Tuesday. it was nice but he's still not kissing me. Which isn't everything but you can't three steps back from where you started. I have to have a chat with him soon. Tonight im out with some friends and there is a guy I'm interested in. Who knows if anything will happen. Blah.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
rock you like a hurricane
Update time. I wasn't hearing from David so I was getting fed up. Better my trip to new Orleans, which has been amazing I was ready to write them both off.
Samson made me so mad at him. He knew i was coming in this week but went out with other friends instead.this time, there was nothing between us. That might also have to do with his new girlfriend being there too.
So I'm done with samson. Most everyone is probably glad over this. I called david when I got to the airport. He sounded happy to talk to me. Were getting together for a game night tomorrow. We also talked about a possible trip to NOLA to check out the scene here. I'm happy about this. I'm going to give Davies a real shot and not get upset when I don't hear from him.
Let's try this out. Who knows - maybe I could be happy.
Samson made me so mad at him. He knew i was coming in this week but went out with other friends instead.this time, there was nothing between us. That might also have to do with his new girlfriend being there too.
So I'm done with samson. Most everyone is probably glad over this. I called david when I got to the airport. He sounded happy to talk to me. Were getting together for a game night tomorrow. We also talked about a possible trip to NOLA to check out the scene here. I'm happy about this. I'm going to give Davies a real shot and not get upset when I don't hear from him.
Let's try this out. Who knows - maybe I could be happy.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Out with one, in with another
I find myself thinking less and less of Samson and more and more of David. Not that I like David more than I do Samson, just that David is here and wants to hang out and wants to get to know me. Samson... has a girlfriend. That's all there is to that. In 15 days I'm going to New Orleans, and I'm going to see Samson. It'll feel like electric bolts are zooming through my body and I'll be elated to see him. To be in his presence, but I'll always know he has a girlfriend. David is a good distraction from that. Not that he's just a distraction. I do like him.
Here's what's happened since Sunday.
Monday we didn't see each other because his phone died, and his car broke and a bunch of other stuff.
Tuesday I called him at lunch because I hadn't heard from him. That night we ended up at his house watching The Ugly Truth. We sat next to each other, I was leaning up against him. He resolutely spurned my advances. Eventually he let me hold his hand and put my legs on his and basically admire his arm with my fingers. We talked about Sunday. He says he wants to get to know me very well. That he jumped into his last two relationships right away and they ended badly. He wants to take things slow. He apologized for things moving so quickly on Sunday and that it was his fault. Of which I said well not entirely. We were supposed to meet up last night, but his class thing started later than he thought, and I was at trivia with friends. Today he started working on a film I was supposed to be on, but was cut from *fumes* but that doesn't matter right now. Maybe he'll call me when they're done, if they don't go out afterward. Maybe I'll see him tomorrow at the screener for the short films from last semester. I will be looking amazing tomorrow night. Dress, boots, hair, makeup. The works. And then dancing or partying afterward.
We'll see what happens. It's always nice that he asks me what I'm doing the next night after I see him.
Maybe this will be a good thing.
Here's what's happened since Sunday.
Monday we didn't see each other because his phone died, and his car broke and a bunch of other stuff.
Tuesday I called him at lunch because I hadn't heard from him. That night we ended up at his house watching The Ugly Truth. We sat next to each other, I was leaning up against him. He resolutely spurned my advances. Eventually he let me hold his hand and put my legs on his and basically admire his arm with my fingers. We talked about Sunday. He says he wants to get to know me very well. That he jumped into his last two relationships right away and they ended badly. He wants to take things slow. He apologized for things moving so quickly on Sunday and that it was his fault. Of which I said well not entirely. We were supposed to meet up last night, but his class thing started later than he thought, and I was at trivia with friends. Today he started working on a film I was supposed to be on, but was cut from *fumes* but that doesn't matter right now. Maybe he'll call me when they're done, if they don't go out afterward. Maybe I'll see him tomorrow at the screener for the short films from last semester. I will be looking amazing tomorrow night. Dress, boots, hair, makeup. The works. And then dancing or partying afterward.
We'll see what happens. It's always nice that he asks me what I'm doing the next night after I see him.
Maybe this will be a good thing.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Unexpected Valentine's Day happenings
David* and I ended up making out Sunday night.
Who's David you ask? I've known him as long as i have Samson. I've always been attracted to him but when we first met he was seeing this girl in Ohio and I was getting into Samson. It wasn't the right time.
We hung out and hes dependable when i need help for a film. Hes a good friend and a good guy. very huggable. Great body... not that it matters.
A few of us were out for drinks Sunday and we just ended up by my car making out and discussing plans for the next night. Then yesterday I don't hear from him and his phone is turned off. I'm going to try calling again today.
It's just weird though. Yesterday was the first day in a long time I thought about someone besides Samson all day.
Who's David you ask? I've known him as long as i have Samson. I've always been attracted to him but when we first met he was seeing this girl in Ohio and I was getting into Samson. It wasn't the right time.
We hung out and hes dependable when i need help for a film. Hes a good friend and a good guy. very huggable. Great body... not that it matters.
A few of us were out for drinks Sunday and we just ended up by my car making out and discussing plans for the next night. Then yesterday I don't hear from him and his phone is turned off. I'm going to try calling again today.
It's just weird though. Yesterday was the first day in a long time I thought about someone besides Samson all day.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
ARGHHHH
I'm close enough to 28 days out from my trip to New Orleans to check out the city. Samson and I will be meeting up. He said it, not me. Today, he's now listed as in a relationship.
SON OF A BITCH!!!
It's been about a month and a half since I've seen him and what does he do, goes and gets a girlfriend. This is amount the same about of time as the last time I saw him.
At least this time I didn't get sick and throw up in my mouth.
UGH. Do you think I'm going to have to be around her when I'm in NOLA?
Just over six months until I move. Who knows what'll happen in that time.
Throwing heavy books around doesn't really help anyone feel better. It might just break something.
I'm going to play the Sims - I found my old 1999 disc - and make a character like him and drown and burn and then bury his sorry ass until I feel better.
Did I mention his birthday is tomorrow?
Fucking men.
SON OF A BITCH!!!
It's been about a month and a half since I've seen him and what does he do, goes and gets a girlfriend. This is amount the same about of time as the last time I saw him.
At least this time I didn't get sick and throw up in my mouth.
UGH. Do you think I'm going to have to be around her when I'm in NOLA?
Just over six months until I move. Who knows what'll happen in that time.
Throwing heavy books around doesn't really help anyone feel better. It might just break something.
I'm going to play the Sims - I found my old 1999 disc - and make a character like him and drown and burn and then bury his sorry ass until I feel better.
Did I mention his birthday is tomorrow?
Fucking men.
Friday, January 8, 2010
What dreams may be
The last couple of nights I've started dreaming about Samson again. At least now he's involved in my normal dreams and not those crazy set dreams. Last night he was there but i mostly saw his identical twin. His twin looked like he did when i first met him. But his twin was named Levi Leipheimer as in the cyclist. Oh if this isn't clear he doesn't have a twin, just two younger brothers.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Thank you 2009...
All in all, 2009 was very good to me.
I met a lot of awesome people and made some new friends. I learned who would truly stand by my side when it came down to it. I saw a group of girls I was mentoring graduate. I drove cross-country on my first road trip without my parental units. I went to Dallas, Roswell, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, and San Diego. I worked on my first feature. I met Samson. I watched my first Tour de France. I went to Comic-Con for the first time. I moved into my own place with roommates. I worked on many short films. I got a raise at work. I graduated. I worked on my second feature. All my friends came into town for the holidays...
I am so thankful for this year and all the blessings that have been bestowed on me.
I finally got to see Samson again on December 26th. 5 months, 4 days, 13 hours and 47 minutes (approximately) since I had seen him last. And it still felt like it did the last time we saw each other. He went for the hug when we first met up. We sat across from each other and just talked and talked. He said he would hire me when I got to New Orleans. We talked about what I need to do to make the transition to New Orleans, a time table of sorts. We were there for over two hours. I had forgotten how much I enjoy his company. His hair is so much longer now, and he shaved most of his facial hair off. He paid for dinner. He walked me to my car in the cold. He gave me a hug. I gave him a Christmas card I made for him. We talked a little more. We hugged again.
I'm going to New Orleans in two months exactly. My cousin and my Aunt are meeting me there. I'm so excited. Samson said he's going to meet up with me and we're going to hang out around town. Hopefully I'll get to meet some film people and start networking. Who am I kidding? I just can't wait to see Samson again.
The plan is to stay in Orlando until the end of August. My first official day in New Orleans will be September 1st. Until then I'll be working at the office making beaucoup mulah. Working on short films. Working on Adamar's feature (hopefully). Samson said he'd be interested in working on another feature like that, so I'm hoping I can talk Adamar into coughing up some of the budget to hire him, because he does make a huge difference on set. Plus, it's great having someone professional on set to teach the crew about how real sets work. I know I learned a lot and have a lot more to learn. Plus, I want him here. And it'll be four months between my trip in March and the film in July. Adamar knows how much I'm into Samson... so he might help me out.
There is a ton more to talk about, but I'm at work so technically I shouldn't even be blogging this...
I met a lot of awesome people and made some new friends. I learned who would truly stand by my side when it came down to it. I saw a group of girls I was mentoring graduate. I drove cross-country on my first road trip without my parental units. I went to Dallas, Roswell, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, and San Diego. I worked on my first feature. I met Samson. I watched my first Tour de France. I went to Comic-Con for the first time. I moved into my own place with roommates. I worked on many short films. I got a raise at work. I graduated. I worked on my second feature. All my friends came into town for the holidays...
I am so thankful for this year and all the blessings that have been bestowed on me.
I finally got to see Samson again on December 26th. 5 months, 4 days, 13 hours and 47 minutes (approximately) since I had seen him last. And it still felt like it did the last time we saw each other. He went for the hug when we first met up. We sat across from each other and just talked and talked. He said he would hire me when I got to New Orleans. We talked about what I need to do to make the transition to New Orleans, a time table of sorts. We were there for over two hours. I had forgotten how much I enjoy his company. His hair is so much longer now, and he shaved most of his facial hair off. He paid for dinner. He walked me to my car in the cold. He gave me a hug. I gave him a Christmas card I made for him. We talked a little more. We hugged again.
I'm going to New Orleans in two months exactly. My cousin and my Aunt are meeting me there. I'm so excited. Samson said he's going to meet up with me and we're going to hang out around town. Hopefully I'll get to meet some film people and start networking. Who am I kidding? I just can't wait to see Samson again.
The plan is to stay in Orlando until the end of August. My first official day in New Orleans will be September 1st. Until then I'll be working at the office making beaucoup mulah. Working on short films. Working on Adamar's feature (hopefully). Samson said he'd be interested in working on another feature like that, so I'm hoping I can talk Adamar into coughing up some of the budget to hire him, because he does make a huge difference on set. Plus, it's great having someone professional on set to teach the crew about how real sets work. I know I learned a lot and have a lot more to learn. Plus, I want him here. And it'll be four months between my trip in March and the film in July. Adamar knows how much I'm into Samson... so he might help me out.
There is a ton more to talk about, but I'm at work so technically I shouldn't even be blogging this...
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