Can you believe this???

Charlie just called me. Here's how our conversation went:

Charlie: What're you up to?
Me: Hanging out. You?
C: Same. What are you doing tonight?
Me: I'm going to Atlas' to hang out.
C: You're cheating on me already?
Me: We're not together.
C: I was going to invite you out with us tonight.
Me: I already have plans. I've got films and parties the next couple of nights too.
C: Aren't you popular? Parties and stuff.
Me: Yes, I am.
C: Well you moved on fast.
Me: I've got to go. Talk to you later.
C: *hangs up*

In what WORLD... no what UNIVERSE would he think that I would go hang out with him. WHY would I spend time with someone who said they saw no future with me. If it were both of us with Roxie, then that would be something different. But I would definitely not be hanging out with him this week. Or ever. He was/is a jerk, so why would I hang out with him? As if.

Atlas.

I've been hanging out with him a lot this week. It's been great knowing there is someone to always hang out with that is dependable. We've been really getting to know each other a lot the last month, and it's been great. We've had two interesting weeks.

****ATLAS!!! Do you really want to read about yourself???****

Okay, he got fair warning.

Atlas is one amazing guy. He's sweet and caring. He goes out of his way for his friends. But he's still sad. He is not completely healed from his last relationship. I've been reading an article about this, how our firsts can hurt us, but that relationships after that can be better. That we learn and grow.

But his heart is not open. And he doesn't know why it's not. I wish I could help him get better, but it's something he has to do himself.

He would be a good partner, in time, after his heart has healed. I look forward to that time.

I've seen or hung out with him almost every day for the last week and a half. It's been amazing just having someone to be with and to depend on. It's weird when I don't hear from him.

Third time is still a failure

Well things with Charlie are O-V-E-R. Should have had this conversation a long time ago.

C: why u frontin cutie?
Me: i thought you were taking a shower
C: im naked................... NOW
Me: ooo baby
C: u know u like it
Me: oh yeah.
C: stop frontin
Me: me? i never
C: would u fuck me? i would fuck me
Me: do you really want to know
C: what do u have to say
Me: i would.
C: yah im sayin, i know u would. so watch some porn, see whats up, and then give me a call
lol u got that?
Me: i got that
C: and hurry up maneee lol
Me: you know i'm really not going to have sex. even though i want to
C: which is why i cant mess with u
personally..
i like to test drive the car im about to buy
idk about u
Me: understandable
C: i dont want to dissapoint u
but u know where im comin from
ive already had sex with women b4 and to shut it off on something idk completely if i have a future with is blasphemy
Me: so... b/c you don't see something potentially happening with us, you don't want to risk it and get to the point of doing everything else physical except actual intercourse
C: all im sayin is u only live once
and u dont know what ur missing out on
head is fine
all that is cool
but sex is human nature
its natural
and i dont care who tells me its bad
Me: sex is human nature but you're not the one who has to live with the consequences
C: oh ok
Me: it's not bad, it's just not something i'm choosing for myself right now
C: bc ur the chosen one
thats ok
im not downing u for ur beliefs
thats understandable
i just dont get it personally
Me: okay, so you're not go for anything with me, because i won't go all the way. but you understand where i'm coming from
C: im saying im not gonna let myself get wrapped into you
bc sex is important in a relationship
i didnt say not anything
but i dont think it will become very serious without sex
all im sayin
Me: so what do you want or expect from this. because i'm okay if things don't become very serious, but i'm still interested in you.
C: i dont ever expect anything from people
i take it as it comes
im not judgemental
i just notice things that i like and things i dont
Me: so what do you want
C: nothing at all
i dont demand things
i just know what i want
which is a healthy relationship, with regular sex
im being blunt about it but u asked
Me: okay that's fair
but i'm wondering if you're up for something casual and fun and not that serious, or if you are really looking for something more serious
C: idk if u know my past with being friends with roxie and everything
but when i want to get serious with somebody i do
and thats just what im looking for.
i know what i deserve and i dont settle
Me: you shouldn't settle, but we should have had this conversation a while ago


Every other thought I've had about him is now obsolete. Ignore everything because he's so over with. I'm glad I learned what I did, but now it's time to move on. It just makes me laugh that he lied to me, something he doesn't like, or says he doesn't. More truth was told tonight than not. It also is funny that he said he wanted a serious relationship like he had before. But his ex CHEATED ON HIM!!! If that's what you want, then go for it.

Charlie.

Oi vey.

I know I shouldn't like him because he is a jerk, but he has that chemical/pysiological attraction going for him. He's the total opposite of guys I normally like. Tall, red hair, freckles... and I hate to admit it, but I trust him. Not in the emotional sense, but in the physical sense. I'm ready to experiment with boys within my limitations. I need to learn to kiss. To make guys happy. And to learn to be able to let myself be happy with them. I trust Charlie with this; and ONLY because (and this kind of seems weird) Roxie trusts him as a person. I've known Roxie for 15+ years, and if she trusts him as a friend, then I will trust him too. Kind of messed up I know, but that's the conclusion I've come up with for why I like to keep him around. Plus, he makes me smile and he's a lot of fun - when he's not being a jerk.

We haven't seen each other in over a week. But I did talk to him on Sunday, and he invited me out with his family next week. We had some drama this week, but now it's way over and I'm past explaining it. It has to do with me thinking I drunk texted him and then him asking me what happened... but I didn't drunk message him. Anyway, not the point.

He called me on Sunday and we had a nice conversation for a while. It was really nice. And he invited me out with his family next Sunday. Should be interesting. If it really happens. I want to invite him to the D1s on Friday. But who knows. Plus, Brandon and I are going on Saturday to the D3s.

He's officially on summer schedule now - so we'll see if things change and we can hang out more. As I get more and more *ahem* frustrated I want to see him.

Something in the water

I wanted to start this as a weekly round-up of events, but they really differ from person to person. And so much happened this week I'll just have to split it up that way. Also, something of note, I'm going to start tagging posts with people as well so that trends will be easier to follow later.

So many people are getting engaged, married, and having babies now. I often randomly see people I used to know on facebook talking about engagements and babies, but I don't really care about them.

The other day my friend texted me that she was engaged to her adoring boyfriend. They have been together for many 2 years now, or just about. And they did the long distance thing for over 7 months. And the few times that I've seen him in person... damn, I wish someone would look at me the way he looks at her. He ADORES her with all his heart. And his heart is so pure of intention and good will, it makes me melt. I am so freaking happy for both of them. It seriously wants to make me cry with joy.

My first kiss's pictures are up from him engagement photo shoot. I've forgotten how handsome he is, and how much better he looks all clean shaven. He's in the Marines, so they did part of the photo shoot in his dress blues, and he's just gorgeous. And his fiance isn't bad looking either. It's been nice to see all these pictures of engagement photo shoots because then I'll know what I like when the time is right.

Another set of my friends are getting married next month. I have to send my RSVP in this week. Tomorrow in fact. I've been carrying it around for two weeks trying to figure out if I should say I'm bringing a guest or not. I don't want to go to the wedding by myself. Not another wedding alone. Although, I might meet some single guy. But then again, it could be all couples all over again. At least I am really good friends with one of the groomsmen and I know he's single. Maybe I'll just mark single. I am so happy for the two of them as well.

And finally, a friend of mine is having a baby. I'm happy for him, because he's happy. But it's just weird. I still think we're young to be having babies right now, but I'm happy for him if he's happy. Speaking of babies, this other girl I know is about to pop any day. My family is close with hers, so YAY! I get to hold a baby soon! That will help put my longings at ease for a while.

Elasticity

What a weekend.

Friday: I invited Charlie to this party on Friday night. I messaged him, but didn't hear from him at all. So I went to the party with Nikki and a friend of ours. Nikki had talked about wanting to start going out to the bars with me to meet guys. I said, sure, no problem, you can come with me anytime. I'll let you know when we're going out. We get to the party, I talk to everyone and then I'm kind of bored because I didn't know a ton of people there, and it's been kind of rough since I graduated... I drove, so when Nikki was getting kind of bored, she mentioned about going out and I said we could go to the bar. I had thought I knew which one Charlie and his friends would be at, so of course I wanted to go hang out. I made my rounds telling everyone goodbye, only to find out that that db Nikki used to have a crush on showed up and started talking to her. We had to stay a long time longer. Anyway, eventually left... blah blah blah. Went home crashed.

Saturday: I had an actual plan to meet someone I'd been talking to before I met Charlie, but never had a chance to meet with in person. So finally, on Saturday we got to meet for the first time after messaging and texting for a while. Brandon* is really cute, very nice. He is into movies. And it's the first actual date I've been on in over a month. We go out for sushi and walk around. He walks me back to my car, and I give him a half hug. Hey, it was a day date, so there are different protocols. If it was a night date it may have ended differently. Brandon knew i was meeting up with a friend later to go to a movie and drinks with later. But i didn't know what time. As i was halfway home he asked if I wanted to hang at his place until i heard from my friend. i said maybe next time. We did the whole, I had a great time we should hang out again thing. Success. So I message Charlie when I get home to find out if we were still on for that afternoon. Here's how it went. Note: We had three sets of text messages sent at the same time.

Me: Are we stil good for the movie and drinks today?
C: no. I'm just getting off work. I have to study tonight for my test on tues.
Me: Ok. Maybe another time.
C: Forsure.
Me: Maybe we can go to Borders and study?
(30 minutes later - I've already called other people to make plans for that night.)
Me: Nvm. Have fun studying. (same time #1)
C: I have a study party planned: (same time #1)
C: wth?
C: U need to honestly chill out. I was on the phone when u txt me. negative additudes r NOT attractive to me. (same time #2)
Me: I have other plans now. That's the nvm. Have fun at your study party. Pizza might helpthings :) (same time #2)
Me: It wasn't supposed to be negative. i was just letting you know I had something else going on so just to nvm and to have fun. (same time #3)
C: help things? What do i need help with? (same time #3)
Me:It's food. Food always helps. (same time #4)
C: ha. Riiiiight. Howabout explaining that instead of reacting the way u did? (same time #4)
C: fuck yah! I'm hungry as shit

I left it like that. I decided to be Jedi and just not be aggressive or angry. Just chill. i met up with Atlas and another friend. We went to "Kick-Ass" and out for drinks (which was my original plan for the night with Charlie) and then we went to Atlas's house for pancakes. What an amazing end for the night. I ended up back at home around 2am - passed out.

Charlie called me at 2:30am. It went a little like this:
"Hello?"
"What are you doing?"
"Hanging about."
"Did you just say hanging about?"
"Yeah..."
"I'm on my way home. You should come over."
"I just got home."
"Come over."
"ummm no."
"So I'll see you in about 30 mintues."
"Goodnight."
*hang up*
text from C: ur so weird..

Sunday: Go over to my parentals, and my dad makes breakfast. Yummm. Then we go to the movies to see "Kick-Ass" (You bet I saw that AMAZING film twice in less than 24 hours. It was that kick ass!) And I get a text from Charlie while the twenty (effing twenty) is rolling.
text from C: Hey dude my bad. i was drunk last night. Thanks for not coming over. Whats up?
I respond and he doesn't.
After the movie and dinner with my parents, i go to this graduation party for a high school student at a youth ministry I used to volunteer with. So i leave around 8... and I call Charlie on my way home. He's out by my house eating with some friends. I told him, he said he'd never seen my house, so I invited him over to play Scene It. He said he would call on his way.
I didn't think he would come, but I started to straighten up my room just in case. It needed it anyway because I don't remember what my floor looks like anymore. I told myself I'd only clean the bathroom (alright, scrub the toliet) if he called and said he was on his way. He calls. I scramble to clean real quick. Spray smelly stuff everywhere. My roomies aren't home. We play Scene It. I kick his ass. He doesn't like it. Ha. Then we play more boring video games, he plays guitar... He starts to fall asleep. He says we'l talk tomorrow. He goes home. No hug. No kiss. Just hanging out. Which works just fine for me. And we still haven't talked about anything important...

So that's probably the longest post ever. Hopefully I'll start being more up to date instead of leaving the whole weekend for one post.

Is it sad...

That I totally relate to both Bianca and Kat in this episode.

What I think they want is not always right

Last night I texted Charlie about what he's doing Saturday night - after the thoughtful conclusions from my friends. I said he was going with me to see "Kick Ass" and then we would go out for drinks and then we might head back to his place. He said he didn't know about the whole staying there thing. He said he didn't want a repeat of what happened last time.

At this point I start to freak out mentally. What if he takes a million steps back like David did and just disappear? I don't want that to happen, especially because I really like Charlie. I was trying to figure out which part of the other night was the problem. It's because I'm a virgin and things got a little awkward. I responded:

They did. But you also have to realize that was the first time any guy has seen me in any state of undress. I can be more open if you just allow me the chance to try to not be so nervous. We can talk about this if you want. Are you saying you wouldn't want to do that again with me?

He seemed cool about going out just the two of us earlier on Saturday. Which I'm really excited about because it seems like all our other hang out time is always with Roxie and we're never really alone.

I was a little forward in my text. I fall into the same media trap as everyone else my age, that sex is the driving force of a relationship, but I know that's not true. Actually, maybe more that sex is what will keep guys around. And I'm a lustful creature. I know this is a problem with me. I go too hard too fast and it is not good.

I am all theoretical and fantastical, no practical applications. I'm so new to learning all this. None of this was a thought in my mind even 10 months ago. And the last month has been a whirlwind of experiences. A totally new surrounding than I have ever been in my life. New people, new places... Different feelings.

He said we'll talk about it.

And I really want to, especially in person. I want to be able to read his face. I'm much better with body language and audible tones face to face than over the phone.

I don't want to come of as a slut. And I don't think of him as a man-whore. But I am not used to someone finding me desirable in the least, and when I do I want to latch on and hold on for dear life. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, with so much passion and kindness to offer someone. But I have so much to learn.

And I miss my old best friend. She would know what to say.

Get out your decoder rings

Me: Were you and [...] serious about wanting to be an extra in a film?
Charlie: lol. Did he say that?
Me: I thought that's what I remembered from the Demetri Martin thing. Maybe I just misunderstood.
Charlie: oh yah. That would be tight. I was like, when did she meet him? lol
Me: There's this party on Friday that's also going to be partially filmed and needs people for the scene if you're interested.
Charlie: What am I doing Saturday
Me: Idk? Working?
Charlie: probably lol. I mean later..
Me: I don't remember. What's Saturday?
Charlie: hmm?


WTF does this mean??? Is is innuendo? I seriously can't tell. So any guys out their with your super secret guy club decoder ring get them out and tell me what this means please. Because I have no flippin clue.

Cock-Blocking BITCH

All Roxie does is complain complain and complain. We get to the movie and she says she really doesn't want to see it. And she doesn't take my "because I want to" as a valid reason for not wanting to get a tan. And she likes me better as blonde. Well fuck you!

After the movie, she admits she likes it!!!

We go out to Outback afterwards. She calls Charlie to join us. He said that sounds like a good idea. We order our food, and our appetizers come out, so I tell her she should ask what he wants so we can order it for him. She instead tells him he isn't going to make it. FUCKING BITCH! She knows I like him but she just tells him not to come out. And well dammit I wanted to tell him about something going on Friday he might be interested in.

*sigh*

I get home at 11 and I finally give in and text him telling him about friday. I didn't get a yes or a no, just that he has something going on Saturday and he expected me to remember what it was. I told him i didn't, and asked what it was again. He said "hmm?" So I just left it at that. If he wants to explain it, he will.

So I'm just going to let life live out and do whatever it does.

So I'm writing a little sexy story...

Friday night was amazing. Let me say this about Charlie since I basically was angry earlier today.

Okay, here goes.

Friday night Roxie and I were going to go meet up with one of her friends and go to the Cape to a bar on the water. Well that friend never got a hold of her, so us - dressed up and looking hott - head out to the bar to meet up with Charlie and his friends.

We get there, have some drinks, hang out. I'm getting tipsy, so when walking inside to out, I hold onto Charlie's arm, and he helps keep me up. I walk close by him at the table and he brushes my knee and I know he's looking for something else that night... possibly.

We move to a different bar, where they have other pool tables. So we get large drinks and play pool. So I end up playing pool on the team opposite of Charlie. And my boobs are looking hott and glorious. So when the other team is up, I'm leaning against the table acting as a distraction. It worked, my team won.

I had a few more shots with the guys, talked a little bit. Then Charlie and I played pool against each other. We had out bets. My winnings were much more innocent than his, but you bet I threw that game. I guess the alcohol didn't hurt either.

An hour or so later we end up back at his place. And we fooled around. It was like it was with Samson, but more intense and less clothing. He definitely made me feel better about myself. And he's so gorgeous. And he makes me feel pretty...

I stay the night - leave in the morning. And yes, my hymen and Vcard are still intact.

I don't text him, but he messages me at 11:30 am.

Roxie tells me later that the guys from Friday night thing that I'm so much hotter than his ex. And that I've got a body they just wanna *UHH* Surprisingly, that makes me feel really good about myself. And that's something that could help push him one way or the other about me. If the guys tell him. And I share this with Roxie, but she decides that she's just going to tell him herself Saturday night when a bunch of us were out at the bar. I knew what she was doing when she was doing it. And there was all this other drama...

In any case he did message me on Sunday - although it was short and weird... Monday - he message me but it was a little rude. Tonight, I did message him about a party friday night... I'm not going to talk about tonight yet. But hello, look, he is messaging me.

But I was so nervous when I was with him on Friday night. I've never done this with anyone before. I know where my lines are, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try more.

So I started to write him a story about why I am like I am, and what I would like to eventually get to... But he kind of nixed that idea... oh well.

Hypocracies

I'm really getting sick and tired of Roxie. She's over stepping her bounds on some things. She expects people to know better and respect her privacy but then she goes and tells Charlie something that would be better heard from those who said it. And now it makes things between me and Charlie awkward...

I'm sick of:
the way she talks down to me
her condescending tone when she talks to me about life
how she lectures me on everything
how I say something, and she tries to refute it, but ends up saying what I just said
she asks what's wrong, and then lectures me when I try to tell her
constantly, CONSTANTLY, lecturing me on how things work differently between my world and her world, without letting me try to figure it out on my own

I've just given up trying to fight her. I'm trying to be a good person here. I'm the only good friend she has, that has great morals and values. Who actually has known her for 15 years. I don't let her change me or change how I view the world. I just keep adapting to the different groups how I always have and just try to be myself.

But DAMMIT! I just want to fucking curse her out and leave it at that.

Drunk texts, drunk dials and a whole lot of nothing

Had a nasty end to work yesterday, so I wanted to go out and get a drink. I know that Charlie goes out on Tuesday nights. Work that doesn't start until later after a long day of classes, I'd want to go out for drinks too. He's a man, and let's face it, men are creatures of habit. There were two places he might have chosen to go to.

Anyway, after my sucky day, we were texting and I was basically dropping hints I wanted to go out drinking. After half an hour of him NOT GETTING IT, I tell him he either invites me or he doesn't. So he asks when I'm getting off work and he'll text me where we're going... all that jazz. Okay cool. So we're in texting mode for the next few hours. Last I hear from him is about 10:30pm. I figure we'd probably not go out until 10:30/11/11:30 or so. Not too much of a big deal. But then I hear nothing. So... I get upset. Fucking boys.

I end up in my car around 1ish driving around town. Going the opposite direction of where I know he is. And then I find out that Atlas has been having a really shitty night too. At around 2, I met up with Atlas for late night snack and tried to cheer him up. And then... Charlie drunk texts me. And then drunk calls me... And this goes on for an hour.

I didn't send my normal encouraging text this morning. But he did text me at 10:30 trying to be all nice and asking me if I could help him with something. I wanted to text, I'm disinclined to help you because you were such a DB last night.

But I didn't. I said maybe.

Why are guys such assholes???

I can't afford to get excited anymore

Every time something good appears to happen, it all goes to hell.

Charlie and I were supposed to go out tonight with some of his friends. I've been waiting around to find out details about when and where... and nothing. I'm all decked out, ready to go. Okay, sitting around in my satin chemise with my hair up and makeup on. I keep thinking, alright going downtown around 11 is normal. Going downtown around 12 is normal... It's not 12:14 - 45 minutes since the last I've talked to him.

I appreciate how I look. Why can't guys???

A chat with Atlas

Atlas* (A): Is that the new boy?
Me: yeah, what do you think?
i mean it's way complicated
as all things are
but he's the one i like
A: Hm.
Me: hm?
A: Dunno. I don't want to comment or speak out of context and offend you or anything.
Me: it's okay
i'm not easily offended
A: He just gives off this... bad vibe.
I can't really explain it.
Considering I've never met him, I could be wrong. Like polar opposites.
But from first glance, that's the impression I got.
Me: hmm other than a bad vibe... any other opinions?
A: He really didn't talk to me much so...
Although, that might be just me being quiet so I don't know.
Me: you are pretty quite when meeting new people. at least that's what i noticed when we first met
A: Anyways, is he interested?
Me: well let's break it down
last friday when we met we had a really awesome conversation and flirting for an hour or more and then we walked out to my car and talked for another hour, with some kissing
saturday we hung out with Roxie, helping him study for a test after watching a movie, then dinner with him and then Roxie left and we went to his place to study (for a bit) and kiss more
thenn we've hung out a couple of other times, with hugs the last two
and last night Roxie drove away and i was heading to my car, but he kept verbal interaction so we sat on his car and talked for a few more minutes and then i left
that's all the action evidence
and he asks me to call and text him
A: I'd say there is some interest.
Me: thanks that makes me feel better
he's got a lot of negative things going on right now, so i'm trying to be a positive influence
i send him an encouraging text every morning
A: He'll appreciate that, no doubt.
You're definitely laying a good base.
Me: i can only keep doing what i'm doing without trying to push it too far
i'm used to rules with how i interact with guys, but i'm finding that everything i've grown up with doesn't work
that and i've been on more dates and had more kisses in the last 6 months than in my entire life
A: If you ever need advice, let me know. I can give the male perspective, for the most part.
You're making progress then, hm?
Me: it's so new to me
and it's especially new to like someone who shows even a little bit of interest in me
A: Definitely a nice feeling.
Me: i'm freaking out most of the time because i don't know what to do
truth be told, i've never had a boyfriend
A: I'll be damned.
Me: what
A: That you've never had a boyfriend.
I'll be damned about it.
Surprised is all.
I've only had 2. So I'm just as inexperienced as far as quantity goes.
Me:but how long was each?
A: 1 was a month.
Other was 4 years.
Me: ok
surprised i've never had a bf b/c i'm so awesome?
A: Exactly.