Things will turn around...

Let's play catch up:

Wrapped my show, went to New Jersey to help one of my dearest friends plan for her wedding (FINALLY the Maid of Honor!) and get a text from Charlie that he's had another attempt on his life. He was in the hospital when he messaged me, which probably means he was going to go back into treatment. I hope he gets some good treatment this time. I think when things actually start to go well for him, that he has to eff it up. He had a great job, a great apartment, and was looking at going back to school. He looked like he was getting healthier... I just can't date him again. That's done.

I started talking to my brother's ex again... We've actually reconciled our relationship and are as good of friends as we were before. Before you ask, my brother knows. He actually said I can be friend with who ever I want. I was really surprised at his maturity.

I met a guy at a bar back home, was led to believe he was actually going to call me. How foolish of me.   We had an interesting night. It's not that I'm upset that he didn't call, it's just that what he said when we were alone led me to believe that he was sincere. It was kind of my first one night stand (without the sex part, because HEY! still got my v-card WHOOP WHOOP!) and I was totally not expecting it. I saw him again at the same bar a few days later. Totally ruined my night with my friend... At least I got that experience out of the way.

Went out with brother's ex, Eva* (because now that she and I are friends again, I can't really call her that girl or that bitch anymore...) for her 21st birthday at downtown Orlando and guess who I ran into... DIBS!  I haven't seen him since last I wrote about him! How crazy is that!!! I was in this really great little black dress, with red lipstick and looking great. He gave me this huge hug and said I looked great. Several times! I ran into him a couple of times in the club, and the last time I thought I was just going to smile as I passed him but he stopped me and told me how great I looked again and then he gave me a kiss on the cheek! WHAT A GREAT END TO THE NIGHT!!! I was so thrilled!

Got back to my house around 3am. Get on Facebook just to check it before bed, and my very first crush from when I was 13 messaged me! We began flirting and then we started texting... It got a little dirty. We did this for about two weeks before we could actually meet, but something happened before I met up with him.

I got called to go to West Palm for a show for a week, then my friend asked me to join her on another show in Naples for a few days. There I met this other guy. Now, I try not to get involved with guys I work with after the whole thing that happened with KB. But... yeah, some times things happen. I keep bouncing back and forth between wether it's a good idea to get involved with someone in the industry or not. The pros and cons are about equal for either side. Anyway, we work during the day and the whole crew (there's 7 of us) has dinner and drinks together. I get along great with everyone and I really like working with this team a lot -- hopefully I'll get to do it more often. So that first night we were all hanging out, and then he and I ended up taking the elevator by ourselves and he invited me to come hang out with him. So I met him in his room a little after that... We were out on the balcony just looking at the moon over the ocean and he said something so corny and cheesy (and yet it was adorable): Not to make things awkward but I think you're kind of cute. We talked a little about not playing games and about being forward with what we meant. I then said the same thing back to him to be a little fun. And I don't think he's just cute, he's kind of gorgeous. He's got these great green eyes... Anyway! Things progressed. I did go back to my own hotel room, got about three hours of sleep, worked the next day... Half of the crew had to leave and some of us stayed to get some extra footage the next day. We all had dinner and drinks together again. Did some late night swimming. He and I kind of had this little flirtation thing, but we were trying not to let the rest of the crew know about it. A small crew, rumors fly... it's not good. Anyway, he invited me over again. I spent the night that time. There was no pretense, but this time I was definitely more clothed... (damn period!) The next day we got extra footage, and he had to drive me back to my car at the hotel. In his corvette. Yeah... He kissed me when he was dropping me off. We had a great day and a great chat in the car. He finally asked me for my number, and I teased him about wondering when he was going to ask me. He told me he could always find it on the callsheet. That impressed me a little. I find it attractive when a man knows how to find your number without you having to tell him... Maybe I'm a... okay there's not maybe about it -- I am a little weird. Anyway, we texted a very little bit. Because he works all the time (which is good) and I'm not really in South Florida right now... but that's okay. I'll run into him again for work probably sooner than either of us think.

Getting back to my first crush, so he and I finally hook up. We make out and mess around a little. And it's good, but the whole time I'm thinking about the last guy. It was only two days later. I will probably see him again, but nothing's really going to happen with it. I really needed to kiss him for thirteen-year-old me. I owed it to her! Our flirtatious texting has gotten less. And I may or may not see him when I get back to Orlando after this work trip.

Oh, yeah, I'm in SoFla right now, filling in for a friend for the company that I worked for when I met the last guy. He said we would stay in contact and to text him when I was coming into town. I texted him, he said he was slammed this week but that he would love to see me if it could work out. He told me to text him when I got in town (twice) and that he hoped to see me (twice). Texted him when I got to town on Wednesday. I knew he was supposed to be... out of country... for work Thursday through Tuesday. So when I didn't hear from him, no big deal... Didn't hear from him on Tuesday and I was really getting upset. It's that stupid girl thing. Not so much that I wasn't hearing from him, but that I believe what he said. It seems a trend that I keep falling for. But I texted him again Tuesday afternoon, and he said he had been working during the day and was working again that night and we would chat later. I'm not holding my breath on hearing from him before I go back to Orlando in two days...

Things are going to play out as they play out. I am just going to keep doing what I'm doing and focus more on writing and hopefully producing a short series soon.

Things are looking up.

Dating again...?

I should start dating again. If my poor, heartbroken brother can get back out there, I should suck it up and do it too.

I’m at that point right now where I want to date, but at the same time, I really don’t. I hate dating. I have old-fashion beliefs when it comes to dating. I want the man to be a man. I was quite disheartened by this article because it is so true to my life: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/fashion/the-end-of-courtship.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&emc=eta1

My generation is all about online dating, it has become the norm.

This fact makes me so sad. It makes things more difficult for those of us who actually want to be wooed and courted…

I’m effed.

Am I Wonder Woman or Lois Lane?

Everything falls in on me at once...

I effed something up at work. Things are getting better, but they're not as good as they have been. It seems now that I can't do anything right. I try my hardest, but there's still something I'm missing. I'm just going to keep trying and hope that it gets better.

My brother was supposed to be getting married this weekend. He's moved into a new place and seems to be doing okay. I think I'm going to try to play video games with him this weekend via the internet. Hopefully he'll be up for it. I've told Coach to take my brother out this weekend so that he can get over things.

Now... Let's talk Superman.

This post has been a long time coming. Things were great between us at Christmastime. We had gone on a few dates, were talking all day every day. Getting messages that say: I am amazed by you and think you are so absolute[ly] right for me.

I come back right after New Year and things go to hell in a hand basket. I see him on Saturday, January 5th. We had a fantastic day. Everything was great. He told me he had a bad episode over Christmas (which I knew because he disappeared on me for 5 days) and that he wanted to go to a 90/120 day treatment facility to help him manage his bipolar a little better. I was super supportive. The next few days (I didn't go back to work until Tuesday), I said I'd come see him. He said he was trying to figure out his insurance thing, yadda yadda yadda... anyway, he was having trouble. Monday I message him in the morning, like usual. He didn't want to see me, but he didn't seem worse than normal. A few hours later, I see a tweet about "going to God." I flipped out. Crying hysterically, not knowing what to do... It was so scary.

About a week ago I found out what happened: some kind of dark turn happened - he doesn't even know the trigger - and he tried to hurt himself. Ended up in the mental ward for three weeks. His friends wouldn't tell me anything, so I had no idea what was going on. I found out after the first week that he was getting better and in a safe place. That's all I cared about knowing. He emailed me a few times the week after he got out of the ward. He's in a new town and has a new job. He seems to be doing well. We aren't talking as much, but we are playing words with friends and I'm instant messaging him every once in a while.

I really hope I get to see him before I got back to Orlando for good. I've been extremely patient, waiting to hear something. Hoping every day to hear something good. To hear that he's okay.

I still like him, a lot. There are a lot of good qualities about him. I know it's probably not the wisest decision to have made, to want to be with someone who isn't the best for you.

I care about him. He knows it. And I want to see him soon. I miss him very much.

Heartbroken

I've been wanting to post for the last 24 hours. I was going to write about my new relationship with Superman, but something now supersedes that...

That Girl* (or I may refer to her as That Bitch depending on my mood) has "postponed" the wedding to my brother. That Girl has been part of our family for over a year now, she's rooted herself into our hearts. We love her. She has been a close friend and confidant for me. And now she's just ripped all of our hearts open.

I can see that it's over, and I think my brother knows this too. She's been thinking about this for weeks. FOR WEEKS!!! She should have said something before my brother dished out all this money for the wedding. That Bitch better pay him back every cent, especially since she's the one who called it off.

But money is not the point here. The point is that my brother is crushed. He doesn't want to move. Doesn't want to eat... He did go out with a friend of ours (Coach) last night. Coach confided in me that when my brother was imbibed last night, he yelled out to the world "My girl left me! My girl left me!"

Someone who was supposed to be your sister, who you called as such... what do you do with those feelings? I can't even think of how to help my brother, this is heart break he's just going to have to get over. He doesn't want my condolence. He doesn't want any kind of comfort. He wants to stew in his depression and I should let him. I should just leave him alone. I wish I had a band-aid I could just put over his heart, fill it with all things good and with love and sparkles, but I can't.

I am heartbroken as well. I lost one of my very best friends, just like that. How do you remove someone from your life so suddenly. Not just one person, but four people. Four people who love you like a family member. Who would have done anything for you.

That Bitch shoved a knife into my brother's chest, cut out his heart, ate it in front of him while it was still beating... But instead of this taking just a few seconds, this is going to go over for several months. I can see it happening, and the torment is just going to go on and on until my brother pulls himself together long enough to see that it's not going to get any better. Then he's going to break it off officially (even though she's already done that) and he'll start to mend. But my brother will never be whole again. I hate That Bitch for that. Someone I loved just a few days ago, I don't know if I'll ever speak to again.

And that breaks my heart too.

Being Lois Lane

I was originally humoring him when he asked who I was most like in the comic world. Why couldn't I be the Lois Lane to his Superman*. I can see being like her, although I don't know her character very well. I also see Lois a no-nonsense kind of girl. She know what she wants and goes for it, even if it leads her into a little bit of trouble. She always gets her story. Today, I'm like the reporter part of Lois Lane... I've stumbled across Superman's secret blog. Or maybe not so secret since I found the link on his Facebook page. I have been reading all day about him. I just read this story that made me sad. He has really gone through a lot, and I bet it would take him a long time to tell me in person. He wants to appear the Superman at all times. To be strong for others. I want to be his Lois Lane. To be able to be strong for him when he doesn't realize he needs it.

Contentment is underrated

This morning I woke up with this complete feeling of contentment. It has been a very long time since I have felt this.

A few weeks ago DSG and I DTR'ed, and the conclusion was to just be friends. If we had continued our relationship as it was going, we wouldn't have stayed friends after it broke apart. I know I haven't written much about it here, and I don't think that I ever will, but these last few months are not going to be ones I ever forget.

I find it amazing how over just the time period of a few months people can change so drastically. I am not who I was on my 25th birthday. I am so much stronger and mature and smart than I ever knew.

I started a new job, and I'm really loving it. I like my bosses, I like my bosses' bosses, I like my co-workeds and I love my job. I love working and I am so happy to be doing so. I have found myself to be so amazingly blessed. My new job comes with benefits. BENEFITS! I am a real grown up now.

Now that I have these, I am making new decisions for myself. I am looking into getting an IUD. It's much less expensive with health insurance and they are good for up to 12 years. I am extremely frightened of the process of getting it implanted, but I feel as if it is a good idea. I am thinking about maybe the possibility of having sex in the next few years. I don't know what could or would happen. I am just going day by day, living my life. It is better to be safe is something does happen, then to be freaking out about it. I want to take control into my own hands, and this is something I feel I need to do.

I'm also going to start studying for the GRE today. I want to go back to grad school and get my MBA in Entertainment Business. In order to get into a school, I first have to take the GRE. It's been six years since I've looked at math, and it all looks like Greek to me. However, I am confident that I will rock that test when I finally take it.

I am happy I have found this personal peace. It's been a long time coming, but it feels so good to be at this point, especially right now. I have so much to look forward to, and one day I will have someone to share all my joys with. It's just not today.

And I'm okay with that.

I wanted to write more about what I think of relationships now and how to handle them, but I need to think about it. It's going to be a long post, and it's getting late.

I do have to say that there are things I have to learn... well keep learning. I have to remember that when people don't feel well they aren't going to act the same way that they might if they were feeling well. Not only that, but being stressed and tired, and then feeling sick on top of that, doesn't make things any better. I know that I don't feel like myself when those things happen.

An addiction to texting tends to be a trend in my generation. Especially with us women who crave constant attention. I need to distance myself a little. DSG works early in the morning, so when I don't hear from him before I wake up, I get a little worried. Tomorrow I'm going to wait until I go to the gym or get back... or maybe when I know he's getting off work... I don't want him to think I don't care, but I don't want to push him away either.

I will need to explain things in greater detail, but I just want to let the world know that I am trying to be better.