Let's get real

I never seem to post these when I first think of them, so they always seem to lose a little of their umph by the time I get them to the page. Let me remember correctly...

I was looking at myself in the mirror, making faces like I always do, as I have always done. If I ever stop making faces at myself, then you know something's wrong. If you lose that childhood instinct, you've really aged.

As I was making facing and projecting different emotions to my reflection, I realized something. I look pretty, sweet, a little sneaky and mischievous as a proper girlfriend should. And that's the heart of it, I want to be a girlfriend. I don't want to date around. I just want a proper boyfriend.

In my 22 years of life, I've never had one. Not ever. And that's all I've really wanted. I'm a monogamist. I want steady and solid. Dating is fun, but I'm so ready for a relationship. But I still can't figure out why I'm not in one.

Okay, well, moving might have something to do with it. And that's got pushed back to mid-August. I really don't want to miss Celebration 5.

Atlas talked to Mary about how he was getting the girlfriend vibe from me. And Mary tried to confuse me and all this drama that goes on naturally. But Atlas and I have had this discussion before. Not getting (emotionally) involved with someone who's leaving...

I'm just going to continue to have fun. To wear my stockings *wink* and cause some mischief and then start my life in a new town where I know next to no one. What an exciting life for a twenty-something.

Long overdue

I would preface this with a little defense, but then again, the defense would make me look like one so I'm not going to say it. I'll just let it be whatever it is.

Okay. So went with Charlie to that party on Thursday night. Had a good time, used him like he deserves. He was saying all night, "you're my girlfriend for the night" "When I say you're cute it means you're supposed to kiss me" and "How do you like being my girlfriend for the night?". Dude, do you not remember what you said to me a few weeks before? Do you think I would ever want to be your girlfriend after you said I was second rate. Hell no. Did I make out with him, yes. Making out is fun, and he's cute and a good kisser. I'm not going to say no.

That doesn't make me a bad person. And neither does the next bit.

He drives me back home. We make out in my driveway, I maybe am a little bit leading him on. He says he wishes this could continue. I tell him he has work in the morning. I walk around the corner, his car pulls away, I jump back in mine and head over the Atlas' house where my friends are hanging out at.

Atlas, Mary, and I end up having a fun conversation in his room. I find out a lot of things. Of which I'm not going to reveal because Atlas will probably read this and I still want it to be a game whether he remembers or not what he said.

Anyway, it was all very interesting. I did find out he likes stockings, and oh! guess who was wearing some. haha.

Friday night the group with Atlas, Mary, her bf and others go to Fazoli's out in BFE. Service was terrible, that must be why all the rest have disappeared. We hang out for a long time, go back to Atlas' house. I leave kind of early because I have a wedding and concert to attend the next day. While at Fazoli's, Charlie calls me twice in less than 3 minutes. I'm out with friends, I'm not going to answer. He texts me, I wait 5 minutes then text back. He said he needed my help but nvm b/c it was too late. He called me the moment he got out of class. I just said ok... because he wasn't telling me anything else. I haven't heard from him since.

We'll see if anything happens this weekend. It was supposed to be a simple weekend, but it seems I'm always busy. I can't catch a break.

The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance

Dating different guys has been an eye opening experience. In the last year I've been out with more boys than ever before. I've doubled my numbers. Not that numbers are important, because it's about the experiences you have, but for someone who is used to a drought, this monsoon is a little overwhelming.

But the best part is, those books are right.

Boy treats you like crap. You ignore him. He fawns all over you.

I've learned my lesson. Don't get all attached right away. If the guy is interested, he'll chase you.

Which brings me to what this is about. Charlie. I hadn't heard from him in 10 days. I thought he had gotten the point that he blew it. I'm going to admit it, I was a little disappointed. I wanted him to feel sorry. To miss me. To think about what he was missing out on. Then I got this text this morning.

C: Can we hangout?!
C (five minutes later): U hate me!
Me: I don't hate you. We can hang out. I actually stopped by the bar Saturday on my way to a party to see if you were there to say hi.
C: Ahh what time?! I was there at around ten
Me: It was after that. 1230ish.
C: I wwas there!! Inside! Dangit.
C: if u couldnt tell, i miss you dearly..
Me: When do you want to hang out? There's this party on Thursday I'm going to.
C: what times that start?
Me: It starts at 930 but goes to 2
C: I get outta class about 930. Can u wait for me and we can ride out together?!? :D
Me: Sure. Sounds good.
C: u just made me the happiest man on earth! :D cant stop smiling!

Um... What???

I'm going to look for someone like Samson. Only better. I've forgotten how much I've missed him.

Three strikes, I'm out

Well that solves those issues.

I don't have to talk to that girl.

I will stop liking Atlas.

I will be having an awesome last 54 days in my hometown without worries of boys or drama.

I'm done with drama here, it's time to start all over again.

Bring on the new life.

I. Am. R.E.A.D.Y.

I try so hard, only to make things worse.

Atlas is one of those good guys. One of those guys who are really pure at heart.

He's someone that I can get close to, someone I'm comfortable with. But the whole "like" factor has its disadvantages. Because if it was just friendly terms, physical contact wouldn't be so powerfully packed with possible meaning, or possible hurt. I crave male touch. But I'm particular about it, and because I still like to fall under what's socially acceptable. And I may be a little selfish. I miss my closest friends. They were the physical touch I needed. Not to mention, in 54 days, I won't have any friends within 400 miles. Well... we can't count Samson, can we.

I like Atlas. And it makes it easier to just touch his arm or hold his hand because of this. But also because he is a good friend. Then again, it is awkward when we're in the whole group. Because all I would like is to be close, and we end up on other sides of the room. And there's another girl who hangs out with us on occasion that likes him, or likes him enough to be physical.

And I wonder if he does this on purpose; as if now that I'm not seeing anyone, if that makes it harder. That all my attention can be focused on this. And that focus can be too intense. I can be too intimidating. Too demanding. Too... a lot of things. And last weekend when she was all over him, in front of the whole group of like 6 other people, I was upset. I was hurt. Not that I really had any right to be.

He asked me a serious question last week that I answered, but then I didn't get a response to that answer. And it makes me wonder if that has to do with anything. The distance that I felt this past week, when the week before I saw him everyday.

Things are just complicated.

Better to be feared than loved???

Maybe, except when it gets in the way of the love of others.

I've been hanging out with a new group of people, mostly guys, THANK GOD!, but there is that obligitory girl in the group. And... I don't get along with girls. Mind you, I was getting along with her just fine until something happened with one of the guys that was a complete accident on my part. She doesn't know the whole story, but she's very protective of Atlas in particular. And even though he and I have talked about this, because it happened between the TWO OF US, she took offense and hasn't let know. Of course in person it's all play nice, but there's definitely a power struggle going on. Mary gets to be included in the group automatically because she's one of the guys' girlfriends. I'm just Mary's friend. No matter how much of a nice person I am or how many good intentions I may have, this girl does not like me. And she has no intention of changing that opinion at all.

So It's a girl power struggle. I'm encroaching on territory that was hers. I'm encroaching on a guy she's super-protective of. I'm the invader. The guys don't get it, Mary understands it for the most part, but I only can really understand - I was there 3 years ago. Sometimes I forget that there is such a big difference between 20 and (nearly) 23. True, she deals with different life stuff that I won't even go near for five more years at least. But I've dealt with other relationship issues in the last four years. I've dealt with a lot of personal change and growth. I used to be the power play girl.

It is still very evident she doesn't like me. And, now that I'm closer to Atlas - and in some ways I feel like I might be pushing him away - it makes a difference. Because, if I want to continue my friendship with Atlas, I have to talk to her.

But her powerplay games will eventually come to an end. I'm leaving in 54 days. I would like the next 54 days to be pleasant. I would like to keep my new group of friends.

Charlie called me, again. Didn't answer the phone because I'm at a short film screener - which he knows. Why would he call me? This makes no sense. No message.