Missing ideals

I miss the idea of the man more than the man himself. I get sad over the loss of something that could have been rather than something that was. That's the hardest part, knowing it is there, but never attaining it.

I was over B the week things ended. He wasn't what I thought he was. Now is even more proof, he said he wanted to be friends and would let me know when he was coming into town for Christmas - but he didn't. I found out through a mutual friend that he was coming into town and that "Ashley doesn't know." That hurt the most because of what happened last Christmas... but that's neither here nor there.

B sent me a "I hope you had a Merry Christmas Ashley!" text on the 26th. I sent back "Happy Christmas B. I hope you had a good time with your family." Trying to go for a bit of a burn.

I'm going to call him after New Years. I might as well. Maybe he thinks I'm upset with him, which I'm not. Did he do D-bag things? Yes. Is he an idiot? Yes. Did he lead me on? Yes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends.

I've got a great life. I work in my field of choice, I have a great family, a new future-sister-in-law that I love, I have great friends. Everything else will fall into place when it needs to. Whenever that is. Until then I'll "keep doing me."

Remember the brokenness of others

For the Angels week of Advent, the pastor preached on the time Elizabeth and Mary first saw each other after becoming pregnant. The third point he made was that God shows his present tense faithfulness. Through Elizabeth he shows his faithfulness to them by giving them the child they so desired; with Mary, he fulfilled his promise of the Messiah for the world.

I know we were supposed to see that God fulfills his promise because He is always present tense faithful to us, but it just isn't always in our timing. To me this is the promise I am waiting on: the husband. I am a long-sufferer. I go through trial and tribulation on a frequent basis.

Those who are long-sufferers most-times have a hard time seeing His present tense faithfulness; especially when one keeps seeing and hearing other receiving their desires.

Long-suffering is to bring about perseverance, character and hope [Romans 5:3-5], but it gets harder and harder every day to hold onto that hope. As we get older, we have to be even more patient when waiting for his faithfulness to appear in a way we can understand, that we can see. The brokenness seeps in and hearts shatter.

The hope we are to gain becomes even harder to see when the greatest desires, and those long awaited promises to be fulfilled by present tense faithfulness, of ours keep going unanswered when at each turn others gain them without difficulty. Long-sufferers deal daily with their tribulations, waiting on His present tense faithfulness to show. Through these difficult times, we are to see His grace, that he is stripping away what we don't need so that we can be stronger.

After all this, we just have to remember that we suffer for a reason. Tribulations are important so that we learn about grace and grow in peace and patience. Character building through suffering is a difficult road that some are called, but we must remember that in the end it's all going to work out because He is ALWAYS present tense faithful, even if we aren't always aware.

The Universe likes to play jokes

This conversation says it all:

Me: haha I found out something funny yesterday. [A new] friend was showing me pictures from a party from 2005ish that he threw and both Samson and B were in the pictures.
James: hahaha really? go figure
Me: I know, right! So crazy.
James: small world

I laughed so hard when I found out. It was an "Are you effing kidding me Universe?"

FUCK IT!!!!

I'm done. I know I've said it before, but I'm fucking sticking to it now.

I AM NOT DATING UNTIL I AM 25. I AM NOT GOING TO EVEN SEE ANYONE UNTIL I'M 25. I WILL NOT GET INVOLVED WITH ANY FUCKING MEN UNTIL I AM 25.

Fuck this shit, seriously! I am done.

You're fucked if you don't have sex, and you're fucked if you do. So, you know what. Bring on the broken hearts, because you get them either way. I'd rather not lose my virginity to the next guy just so I don't have it and have them break my heart AGAIN in the same FUCKING WAY as the last guy than to get my heart broken anyway and lose all my emotions wrapped up in the whole process of losing my virginity because they are going to FUCK WITH MY MIND anyway and BREAK MY FUCKING HEART.

And if that run-on sentence doesn't make sense, let's try again: I FUCKING HATE MEN. and no "or" to this one.

Here's the breakdown: I'm not going to have sex. I'm not going to date. I'm going to be the STUPID FUCKING SPINSTER VIRGIN for the rest of my life.

I'm so over this shit.