It's technically five months today since that last time I've seen Samson. It was early in the morning back in July that we said our "see you soon"s.
Today he's back in town.
Tonight is the wrap party for the film I've been working for a while. I'm so glad to be done with the film. Samson might or might not be there. I'm ready either way. I've got this cute dress, new shoes, and a smokin' hat I've been planning on wearing for the last month to this party. I'm not going to curl my hair, not enough time between work and party.
Isaac is leaving in the morning. He got into town while I was still on location, so I didn't get to see him until Sunday night. We didn't see each other at all yesterday. We'll see each other tonight because he leaves very VERY early in the morning. He might come by the wrap party for a little while. Or I might leave the party to meet up for a bite to eat or something. Just as long as I'm there if/when Samson arrives would be amazing.
We'll see what happens.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Roll to me
Sometimes the most random songs strike a chord in you. Roll to me, Paparazzi, & Breakeven.
Del Amitri - Roll to Me
Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it’d be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
The right time to roll to me
Look into your heart pretty baby,
Is it aching with some nameless need.
Is there something wrong and you can’t put your finger on it
Right then, roll to me
And I don’t think I have ever seen a soul so in despair
So if you want to talk the night through
Guess who will be there?
So don’t try to deny it pretty baby,
You’ve been down so long you can hardly see
When the engine’s stalled and it won’t stop raining
It’s the right time to roll to me
Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it’d be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
The right time to roll to me
Del Amitri - Roll to Me
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sherridan is in town to go with Freddy tomorrow to Disney. One. Freddy lied to me, but I already knew. Two. Sherridan is leaving right after Disney and won't even see me even though on Saturday when I was go St Augustine I stopped by his work to see him. I'm stopping all communications with him. Deleting him from my phone. I really don't need another one-sided friendship.
Where to start?
Okay, I've wanted to write here more often, because let's face it, there's a lot of drama going on right now. Pre-production is keeping me way way way busy. There is a lot to do in the next 11 days!
I'm giving up on Sherridan for right now. If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me.
Adamar actually broke up with his girlfriend, funny story but that would give away who it is. So he's on the market again, but not really looking for anyone.
Samson, let's face it. I might see him next month, and I have the perfect outfit for when I do, but I may not see him until March. We're definitely going to hang out then. We'll see what happens with this.
Right now I'm just going to work hard on this film project, be a good friend, and flirt a little with whoever I like.
Let's just play this cool.
I'm giving up on Sherridan for right now. If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me.
Adamar actually broke up with his girlfriend, funny story but that would give away who it is. So he's on the market again, but not really looking for anyone.
Samson, let's face it. I might see him next month, and I have the perfect outfit for when I do, but I may not see him until March. We're definitely going to hang out then. We'll see what happens with this.
Right now I'm just going to work hard on this film project, be a good friend, and flirt a little with whoever I like.
Let's just play this cool.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday Night
I'm sitting alone at home, nursing a beer, crying over "The Ugly Truth" and thinking about how much this reflects my life.
I'm the Abby character, only that I don't get either Colin or Gerard Butler.
Although to quote Tara from True Blood:
I'm the Abby character, only that I don't get either Colin or Gerard Butler.
Although to quote Tara from True Blood:
"Maybe I'm unboyfriendable.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sometimes it's good to be bad.
I talked to both Samson and Sherridan today.
It feels so good to be bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.
It feels so good to be bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wow.
I've forgotten how good it was just to listen to him talk.
I can wait.
I'll see him in March.
Maybe sooner.
I can wait.
I'll see him in March.
Maybe sooner.
...
Samson actually called me back. This is the first time we've actually talked since July 22nd.
I really didn't expect him to call me back. Of course it's all business. He doesn't have time to talk...
I really didn't expect him to call me back. Of course it's all business. He doesn't have time to talk...
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The definition of my life
Longsuffering - the act of perseverance in a time of tribulations and trials. Out of this comes character; and from character, hope. But also, do not let your emotions make the decisions for you. Use rational thought. For although your intentions are pure of heart, to others it's all a game.
I should've learned from the whole Samson situation. To be patient. To just let things go as they will. Yeah, Sherridan and I had an awesome conversation on Monday night, but now it's Thursday and we haven't talked since. Tuesday I waited around for him to call. Yesterday I called and left a voicemail which he didn't return. Even though I knew he was off work and online. He didn't message me either.
So I'm not texting him today. If he wants to talk to me, then he'll talk to me. If he doesn't then he doesn't. Maybe I'll text him next week. I'm driving through his town next weekend, maybe he'll want to meet up for a meal or something. Who knows.
I'm just going to give it a rest and see what happens.
I should've learned from the whole Samson situation. To be patient. To just let things go as they will. Yeah, Sherridan and I had an awesome conversation on Monday night, but now it's Thursday and we haven't talked since. Tuesday I waited around for him to call. Yesterday I called and left a voicemail which he didn't return. Even though I knew he was off work and online. He didn't message me either.
So I'm not texting him today. If he wants to talk to me, then he'll talk to me. If he doesn't then he doesn't. Maybe I'll text him next week. I'm driving through his town next weekend, maybe he'll want to meet up for a meal or something. Who knows.
I'm just going to give it a rest and see what happens.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I like and don't like the lack of control. Alas, I did ask for the resistence.
First, I have to thank all of the guys that I've been talking to about all of this stuff. Thank you Nate, James, and Freddy* for all your concern. Thank you for caring if I get burned again. It really means a lot to me.
I met Sherridan on Thursday. Left the party around 2am ish. Maybe closer to 3? Anyway, we instantly became cohorts in getting Nikki and Freddy together. We've come to the conclusion they are basically together in a couple like fashion - even though they haven't been on a first date yet. So at the party I got kicked/kicked myself off the couch so that Freddy could sit by Nikki and put his arm around her. Worked perfectly. But I seated myself in Freddy's empty space which happened to be next to Sherridan. Okay, maybe I sat there purposely.
There is enough space between our chairs, and then other people come back to the party and sit in chairs behind ours, so he scoots closer to me unnecessarily. Then our upper arms are touching and neither of us moves away from it. Then my foot rests on his leg - yes, he noticed. Not that he moved from that either. We don't get to talk very much because there are very awkward films playing on the screen, but we do comment every once and a while on the screen. Eventually Nikki and Freddy fall asleep on the other and we look at each other wanting to leave them be, but also not sure if we should wake them up because it was getting late. We let them wake on their own, which I was glad about because I still wanted to sit next to him. I was trying to be constantly in contact. Made comments about his fake blood. Touching his shirt, his arm. The usual signs. Eventually Freddy and Nikki woke up on their own and we got up to leave. I gave Sherridan a hug as we were leaving. We got home about five minutes later and I got a text from Sherridan. We talked about Nikki and Freddy for a while. We had been texted a little over the weekend. And on the weekend we talked online a little bit. It was nice to get texts back right away.
Monday night after class I had a lot to do. I dropped Leigh off at home so she could go to her meeting. Then I went to my brother's house to drop off the parking pass we share. I was then on my way over to another friend's house to get the agreement signed so we could film there the next day. So I had to wait for Freddy to text me the number, which took him forever to do. Anyway, Sherridan called me. I was surprised. We texted a little bit on my drive home, but I didn't actually expect him to call. So I pulled over into the strip mall across the street from Freddy's apartment and sat and talked on the phone getting to know Sherridan.
We were both very blunt about it. He knows I'm into him, but he's not sure if he wants to start something. We live two hours away from each other and all that jazz. So we're just getting to know each other and things like that. Supposedly I was the only one he was allowed to hit on the party because everyone else was taken or was being crushed on by the hosts. Which is a bit offensive for me, but the hosts had already had their crushes on me and were over them. So maybe not so offensive. We talked for two and a half hours before I was kicked out of the parking lot because my car might have been towed - with me in it! We got off the phone a while after that because he made me go to Freddy's since I was supposed to do that over two hours before. We had the whole argument about who was supposed to call whom. That was about a five minute argument. We hung up and I ended up losing and called him back about 20 minutes later because Freddy's roommate wasn't at home yet. We talked for about 30 more minutes and then I had to meet with the roommate. Then Sherridan called me back. We talked until about 3 am. We had the who hangs up first argument.
I wanted him to call again yesterday, but that didn't happen. He might have been testing me because he knows I like a guy who can resist my controlling nature. I've decided that I want to talk to him, so I'm going to call him tonight after he gets off work. I think he would like that.
He has friends he meets up with in a chat room almost every night I suppose, and that I was the topic of conversation for a while. He gave them main points in our conversation and then said that I liked him. Go. He told me he told them the situation and such. I don't know what that means. What's the situation. And he is playing the game with me, in that he didn't tell me what his feelings are straight out. He's interested, but doesn't know if he's interested enough yet. But that makes sense.
I was asking all of the guys listed at the top today what I should do. They all were telling me to think with my head and not to get burned again. It was nice that they care.
Nate: Don't let your emotions make the decision, use rational thought. This is a game.
I met Sherridan on Thursday. Left the party around 2am ish. Maybe closer to 3? Anyway, we instantly became cohorts in getting Nikki and Freddy together. We've come to the conclusion they are basically together in a couple like fashion - even though they haven't been on a first date yet. So at the party I got kicked/kicked myself off the couch so that Freddy could sit by Nikki and put his arm around her. Worked perfectly. But I seated myself in Freddy's empty space which happened to be next to Sherridan. Okay, maybe I sat there purposely.
There is enough space between our chairs, and then other people come back to the party and sit in chairs behind ours, so he scoots closer to me unnecessarily. Then our upper arms are touching and neither of us moves away from it. Then my foot rests on his leg - yes, he noticed. Not that he moved from that either. We don't get to talk very much because there are very awkward films playing on the screen, but we do comment every once and a while on the screen. Eventually Nikki and Freddy fall asleep on the other and we look at each other wanting to leave them be, but also not sure if we should wake them up because it was getting late. We let them wake on their own, which I was glad about because I still wanted to sit next to him. I was trying to be constantly in contact. Made comments about his fake blood. Touching his shirt, his arm. The usual signs. Eventually Freddy and Nikki woke up on their own and we got up to leave. I gave Sherridan a hug as we were leaving. We got home about five minutes later and I got a text from Sherridan. We talked about Nikki and Freddy for a while. We had been texted a little over the weekend. And on the weekend we talked online a little bit. It was nice to get texts back right away.
Monday night after class I had a lot to do. I dropped Leigh off at home so she could go to her meeting. Then I went to my brother's house to drop off the parking pass we share. I was then on my way over to another friend's house to get the agreement signed so we could film there the next day. So I had to wait for Freddy to text me the number, which took him forever to do. Anyway, Sherridan called me. I was surprised. We texted a little bit on my drive home, but I didn't actually expect him to call. So I pulled over into the strip mall across the street from Freddy's apartment and sat and talked on the phone getting to know Sherridan.
We were both very blunt about it. He knows I'm into him, but he's not sure if he wants to start something. We live two hours away from each other and all that jazz. So we're just getting to know each other and things like that. Supposedly I was the only one he was allowed to hit on the party because everyone else was taken or was being crushed on by the hosts. Which is a bit offensive for me, but the hosts had already had their crushes on me and were over them. So maybe not so offensive. We talked for two and a half hours before I was kicked out of the parking lot because my car might have been towed - with me in it! We got off the phone a while after that because he made me go to Freddy's since I was supposed to do that over two hours before. We had the whole argument about who was supposed to call whom. That was about a five minute argument. We hung up and I ended up losing and called him back about 20 minutes later because Freddy's roommate wasn't at home yet. We talked for about 30 more minutes and then I had to meet with the roommate. Then Sherridan called me back. We talked until about 3 am. We had the who hangs up first argument.
I wanted him to call again yesterday, but that didn't happen. He might have been testing me because he knows I like a guy who can resist my controlling nature. I've decided that I want to talk to him, so I'm going to call him tonight after he gets off work. I think he would like that.
He has friends he meets up with in a chat room almost every night I suppose, and that I was the topic of conversation for a while. He gave them main points in our conversation and then said that I liked him. Go. He told me he told them the situation and such. I don't know what that means. What's the situation. And he is playing the game with me, in that he didn't tell me what his feelings are straight out. He's interested, but doesn't know if he's interested enough yet. But that makes sense.
I was asking all of the guys listed at the top today what I should do. They all were telling me to think with my head and not to get burned again. It was nice that they care.
Nate: Don't let your emotions make the decision, use rational thought. This is a game.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Interesting...
Here's the update I was thinking about before I talked to Sherridan last night.
I found out that Samson broke up with his girlfriend. I don't know exactly when it happened, but it did. So I promptly asked my friends' advice.
Me: Samson is single again...
James*: wasn't aware he was dating at some point
Me: maybe I could start texting him again
ohyeah
like a month and a half ago he started dating this girl
I guesss they were together for about a month because now they're broken up
maybe I should send him a text thanking him for the AD advice and that I'm really
loving it
and that i'm seconding in december for a feature
James: just don't get yourself hurt again
Me: it's still all the same hurt
just now maybe he might respond back
Leigh would tell me no
and i want to tell her
but also would tell me no
James: im kind of telling you no
Me: I'm going to ask other people
because i want a yes
James: good luck with Samson
Me: yeah, I'm going to ask around before I do anything
Today
James: what happened to Samson
Me: I didn't text him
I'm just going to let it go for now
if something happens, then it happens
but right now, i'm content with what else is going on
James: good mentality to have
Me: yeah. right now is a nice time for me
i might have options
Then I asked Nate and Adamar* - who I happen to also like, but he has a girlfriend.
Me: Just found out Samson is single again. Do you think I should send him a little thanks for advice text?
Nate: If you seek him out you empower him. You should have the upper hand so be careful what you say if anything.
Adamar: Well, you might wanna hurry up and get down there!
Me: He lives in New Orleans. Maybe if I just give it some time and maybe let him think about things with me before attacking again? I'm going there in March to visit.
Adamar: Yeah. I have no idea anymore. i'm about to epic fail my current relationship so I probably shouldn't give advice... lol
Me: Oh no! I thought you guys were going so well. If you ever need to talk I'm a good listener.
Adamar: Thanks but no thanks. I just really don't have time for a girlfriend... And I also offer no promise for any sort of future... So I'm not a very ideal partner. Who knows. I could care less about other people's needs right now...
A little bit of information about Adamar before I finish my thoughts... He's a really interesting guy. We had to be at a casting session for hours on end one weekend and we really got to know each other. He's shooting a feature in the Summer and I definitely want it. I went out with him, his gf and another couple the other night. We had a ton of fun, but his gf was totally marking his territory. At first I really didn't want to go downtown because I knew I was going to be the only single person. But he kept asking me and everything so I said okay. After dropping me back off at my car, and I assume when he got home he sent me this text:
Adamar:hey. get home safe! thanks for coming downtown. you were totally cute! <3 Adamar
So I don't know about that. With the whole Samson thing I think I'm just going to let it all play out. I won't have a chance to see him until March, so I'm not going to try anything. And right now, with Sherridan. Who knows what'll happen. Which, I'll post on that next.
I found out that Samson broke up with his girlfriend. I don't know exactly when it happened, but it did. So I promptly asked my friends' advice.
Me: Samson is single again...
James*: wasn't aware he was dating at some point
Me: maybe I could start texting him again
ohyeah
like a month and a half ago he started dating this girl
I guesss they were together for about a month because now they're broken up
maybe I should send him a text thanking him for the AD advice and that I'm really
loving it
and that i'm seconding in december for a feature
James: just don't get yourself hurt again
Me: it's still all the same hurt
just now maybe he might respond back
Leigh would tell me no
and i want to tell her
but also would tell me no
James: im kind of telling you no
Me: I'm going to ask other people
because i want a yes
James: good luck with Samson
Me: yeah, I'm going to ask around before I do anything
Today
James: what happened to Samson
Me: I didn't text him
I'm just going to let it go for now
if something happens, then it happens
but right now, i'm content with what else is going on
James: good mentality to have
Me: yeah. right now is a nice time for me
i might have options
Then I asked Nate and Adamar* - who I happen to also like, but he has a girlfriend.
Me: Just found out Samson is single again. Do you think I should send him a little thanks for advice text?
Nate: If you seek him out you empower him. You should have the upper hand so be careful what you say if anything.
Adamar: Well, you might wanna hurry up and get down there!
Me: He lives in New Orleans. Maybe if I just give it some time and maybe let him think about things with me before attacking again? I'm going there in March to visit.
Adamar: Yeah. I have no idea anymore. i'm about to epic fail my current relationship so I probably shouldn't give advice... lol
Me: Oh no! I thought you guys were going so well. If you ever need to talk I'm a good listener.
Adamar: Thanks but no thanks. I just really don't have time for a girlfriend... And I also offer no promise for any sort of future... So I'm not a very ideal partner. Who knows. I could care less about other people's needs right now...
A little bit of information about Adamar before I finish my thoughts... He's a really interesting guy. We had to be at a casting session for hours on end one weekend and we really got to know each other. He's shooting a feature in the Summer and I definitely want it. I went out with him, his gf and another couple the other night. We had a ton of fun, but his gf was totally marking his territory. At first I really didn't want to go downtown because I knew I was going to be the only single person. But he kept asking me and everything so I said okay. After dropping me back off at my car, and I assume when he got home he sent me this text:
Adamar:hey. get home safe! thanks for coming downtown. you were totally cute! <3 Adamar
So I don't know about that. With the whole Samson thing I think I'm just going to let it all play out. I won't have a chance to see him until March, so I'm not going to try anything. And right now, with Sherridan. Who knows what'll happen. Which, I'll post on that next.
Good chat
Talked with Sherridan for 5 hours or so. Very happy. Had a totally different update in mind for this evening, but that went out the window around 9:30 pm.
Things are looking good.
Things are looking good.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
What's that spot right out there? That tiny spot; that's a bit of hope on the horizon
Things are going really well for me. Production is almost done. I'm ready to be done with production. Just one more week and it's all through.
Good things have been happening though. Let's start off with new friends. I got to start hanging out with a lot of new people over the last few weeks. I got to make a new female film friend: Darcy*. She's really nice. And other girls think that she hates them just like they think that I hate them. It's nice to find someone who sees the issues. We had a girl late lunch/early dinner today at Tflats. It was great. We got to chat about issues and get to know each other. I sent the little test of trust out there, so we'll see how that works out.
I met two guys this week. Well one I had met before, but we spend a lot of time talking this weekend. Anyway, Sherridan* I met at a friend's party. He's interesting, and something could happen. But he lives two hours away. What is it with me, I tend to like guys who live away. We've texted a little and we're being friends for now. It's safer. Who knows what might happen though.
As for Bastian*, we talked a lot yesterday and a little today. Kind of more on the flirting side today. We've made plans to make plans to hang out. We both like Star Wars and comic books and things like that.
I'm fairly over Samson right now. I don't know if I'll be completely over him for a while. We just mesh so well and with things that happened... but I've let it go mostly. Meeting new people helps.
Leigh and I are going to Georgia in two weeks, just as soon as productions are over. I'll be missing the homecoming football game, but I'm going to get that damn shirt this year! And jump in the fountain. I am determined. We're picking between two places to visit, so we've got a few options.
As for filming: it's going well. But the female filmmakers are going to strike against producing the male filmmakers. We deserve respect, so we need to remind the guys that they need us. Also, as far as gossip and rumors go... people are always saying women are the worst at it. That's we're always going around gossiping and spreading rumors. But I have heard more gossip and rumors from the mouths of men in the last few months than from women. Will explore more on this topic at a later date.
Good things have been happening though. Let's start off with new friends. I got to start hanging out with a lot of new people over the last few weeks. I got to make a new female film friend: Darcy*. She's really nice. And other girls think that she hates them just like they think that I hate them. It's nice to find someone who sees the issues. We had a girl late lunch/early dinner today at Tflats. It was great. We got to chat about issues and get to know each other. I sent the little test of trust out there, so we'll see how that works out.
I met two guys this week. Well one I had met before, but we spend a lot of time talking this weekend. Anyway, Sherridan* I met at a friend's party. He's interesting, and something could happen. But he lives two hours away. What is it with me, I tend to like guys who live away. We've texted a little and we're being friends for now. It's safer. Who knows what might happen though.
As for Bastian*, we talked a lot yesterday and a little today. Kind of more on the flirting side today. We've made plans to make plans to hang out. We both like Star Wars and comic books and things like that.
I'm fairly over Samson right now. I don't know if I'll be completely over him for a while. We just mesh so well and with things that happened... but I've let it go mostly. Meeting new people helps.
Leigh and I are going to Georgia in two weeks, just as soon as productions are over. I'll be missing the homecoming football game, but I'm going to get that damn shirt this year! And jump in the fountain. I am determined. We're picking between two places to visit, so we've got a few options.
As for filming: it's going well. But the female filmmakers are going to strike against producing the male filmmakers. We deserve respect, so we need to remind the guys that they need us. Also, as far as gossip and rumors go... people are always saying women are the worst at it. That's we're always going around gossiping and spreading rumors. But I have heard more gossip and rumors from the mouths of men in the last few months than from women. Will explore more on this topic at a later date.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Drama is never far
I've always craved drama. It happens when you watch movies and all you want to do is make them. I like drama in movies, you can control it. And I crave a certain kind of drama - drama with boys is always good drama, even when it's bad. Even when you still want someone after they don't want you anymore. Speaking of which, 3 months passed the other day and I almost didn't realize it before the day was over.
The drama I hate is girl drama. Girl drama and girl politics. This is why I don't like girls. They're so much more trouble then I want to deal with. Not saying that I'm not friends with girls, and that I don't like them. I live with girls. I hang out with girls - a lot. I just don't like the drama and the cat fights and the bitchiness that goes along with girls a lot of the time. Not to say I don't contribute to those things.
I am an intimidating person. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm determined, hard headed, and independent. I know what I want and I expect a lot from myself. I don't expect more than necessary from others, but I do expect the best they can do. I get disappointed with people when I know they can do better and they don't even try. But a lot of people, girls a lot of the time, think I hate them when I meet them. That is not true. I just come off a little rough around the edges. It has nothing to do with anyone personally.
I also have this ability where I can separate someone personally from someone professionally. How I view someone either personally or professional doesn't affect the other. I have issues with a few people professionally, but I really like hanging out with them personally.
So now I have to be super nice to everyone so they know I don't hate them. Not that I mind being nice to them, because I don't hate them, but I do hate that I have to play these games. These people think I hate them before they even get to know me. Whatever, I just have to try to act accordingly with each person I meet. Fantastic.
In other news. ADing a film on Sunday that has Nate in it. It's the first time we'll have seen each other since the wrap party in July, 3 months ago. It should be fun.
The drama I hate is girl drama. Girl drama and girl politics. This is why I don't like girls. They're so much more trouble then I want to deal with. Not saying that I'm not friends with girls, and that I don't like them. I live with girls. I hang out with girls - a lot. I just don't like the drama and the cat fights and the bitchiness that goes along with girls a lot of the time. Not to say I don't contribute to those things.
I am an intimidating person. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm determined, hard headed, and independent. I know what I want and I expect a lot from myself. I don't expect more than necessary from others, but I do expect the best they can do. I get disappointed with people when I know they can do better and they don't even try. But a lot of people, girls a lot of the time, think I hate them when I meet them. That is not true. I just come off a little rough around the edges. It has nothing to do with anyone personally.
I also have this ability where I can separate someone personally from someone professionally. How I view someone either personally or professional doesn't affect the other. I have issues with a few people professionally, but I really like hanging out with them personally.
So now I have to be super nice to everyone so they know I don't hate them. Not that I mind being nice to them, because I don't hate them, but I do hate that I have to play these games. These people think I hate them before they even get to know me. Whatever, I just have to try to act accordingly with each person I meet. Fantastic.
In other news. ADing a film on Sunday that has Nate in it. It's the first time we'll have seen each other since the wrap party in July, 3 months ago. It should be fun.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sometimes the Universe loves you, and sometimes you get smacked in the face.
My dad's business had been in a raffle of sorts for a new green bicycle at their bank and we thought the bicycle was long gone. Which was a bummer since I am in desperate need of my own bicycle since everyone else in my family has a new one. I can't afford a "real" bike, so any new one works fine for me. I just need one that is in complete working conditions. I promise to ride it whenever I can. I love riding bicycles. So I have borrowed my roomie's bike, but it's a little messed up in the brakes. My brother did the best he could, but it's still a little messed up. Anyway, the bank called today and said we won the bike! It's coming in tomorrow or Monday and I get it! I am so excited. It's green. I'm so happy I get a new bike! Now I just need to go buy shorts with the butt padding in them.
Second good thing is that I got my raise for this pay period when I was supposed to be on probation for a month. Now I can pay all of my bills in one pay check and still have some money left over. Maybe I will be able to save money without having to find another job! I'm still looking for jobs on the side, but now I don't have to worry about having enough for food. I can actually go grocery shopping now!
On the other side of life: I left a status on my facebook that said "Ashley doesn't expect anything from you so she won't be disappointed when you meet her expectations." I posted that just over an hour from when I texted Samson asking if he would respond to some questions I have about scheduling. I didn't really expect him to respond at all. I haven't heard from him in over two months, and I stopped trying about a month ago. So to actually get a text back agreeing to respond to an email I'm going to send tonight was unbelievable. I just now have to think of all the questions I might have for scheduling films so that I only have to send the email once.
Second good thing is that I got my raise for this pay period when I was supposed to be on probation for a month. Now I can pay all of my bills in one pay check and still have some money left over. Maybe I will be able to save money without having to find another job! I'm still looking for jobs on the side, but now I don't have to worry about having enough for food. I can actually go grocery shopping now!
On the other side of life: I left a status on my facebook that said "Ashley doesn't expect anything from you so she won't be disappointed when you meet her expectations." I posted that just over an hour from when I texted Samson asking if he would respond to some questions I have about scheduling. I didn't really expect him to respond at all. I haven't heard from him in over two months, and I stopped trying about a month ago. So to actually get a text back agreeing to respond to an email I'm going to send tonight was unbelievable. I just now have to think of all the questions I might have for scheduling films so that I only have to send the email once.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Two out of three ain't bad.
I've been thinking a lot over the past week and a day since I found out. A week and two days ago I was completely and obliviously happy. Now, I'm starting to regain some bounce, although two nights ago was a bit of a breaking point for me. Things are looking up. I'm looking for the small things in life to make me happy. I sincerely have hope for the future. It's my present I tend to worry about. I know everything will work out how it is supposed to, but the present is always harder for me. I have a lot of things going for me and I am happy for that. I have friends and family who care for me, I have a job, I'm almost done with school, and I have many film projects that I am depend upon for. It is a great feeling to be needed and appreciated.
So let's talk about a few things that have happened this week. And not in the order they happened in.
Just call me Sheldon - someone sat in my seat today. And I mean Sheldon from the "Big Bang Theory." I went to class, and mind you we've had this class for a month and I have always sat in the same seat, and the girl who normally sits on my left was sitting in my seat. I was mad. I stood there for 15 seconds trying to figure out what to do with my self. I looked to sit in the seat one closer, but that was another girl's seat. I couldn't do that to her, that would be just as bad as what happened to me. So I sat in the chair one behind where I normally sit. It was weird and I was not happy. And the sorority girl that sat across from me was flaky. By the way, have I mentioned that this class of 22ish people only has two guys in it? I'm normally used to the odds being the other way around. I really don't like girls. Which, I know, sounds weird, but it's true. Girls tend to be bitches to each other, and I just prefer guys. They are easier to work with.
And since I'm talking about Sheldon, I'm all caught up on "The Big Bang Theory" which I absolutely adore. If you like geeks and their follies into social life, you will love this show. Plus it helps if you're a geek.
The other night I got upset with my roommate. And this is kind of adding on to what has already happened. It's just been one big long battle the last two months I've been living there. She does not wash her dishes, or even put them in the dishwasher. And we have sugar ants in the house now, and they really only bother her. I think they know she doesn't do her dishes. I have no lover for her dog either, who is currently not living at the house. The cats are much happier and are playing together now. She didn't take very good care of her dog. We took more care of him than she did. At least that's what it seems like. And when I mean we, I mean mostly Leigh. I was not having any of that dog unless I was the only one there. I wasn't going to let the ugly thing suffer just because of my dislike. In any case, we're now talking about dishes. I hate cleaning the kitchen, but it seems like I'm always doing it even though I immediately clean up after myself and put my dishes away. I can't cook in a dirty kitchen and I hate the ants. So I clean her dishes. Anyway the other night I was not in a too happy mood. And everyone likes to come over to our house to do their homework, which requires everyone else in the house to be quiet. Mind you, they are now doing it the day before it's due. We had already let other people record at our house earlier in the week for the same homework. I walk in the house and all the lights are on, even mine. I hadn't been home in 11 hours. Someone had been in my room. I don't have a problem with someone borrowing my things, as long as they ask me first. Nikki* went into my room and took things. She said that they were just there and she didn't rummage through anything. But that's not the point, she didn't ask. And all the lights were on and everything was a mess. AND THE KITCHEN! I talked to her about washing her dishes, and washing her dishes because of the ants, many many times. So when I talked to her again she grabbed the dirty pan from 11 hours earlier in the day, put soap and scrubbed it, and then left it in the sink. Then it had more dirty dishes piled on top. This morning she grabbed the pan, washed it, and used it. I'm sure it's sitting dirty on the stove right now. Leigh and I have agreed that we all need to sit down and have a discussion about stuff. We also asked her to change the filter for the AC because neither Leigh nor I can reach it very well. I had to stand on something and stand on my tip toes to finally get it. Basically, she doesn't keep her chores up very well. Except for taking out the trash, she does that well. She doesn't mop, or vacuum or clean the kitchen. She says she will but then she doesn't.
Okay. Rant over.
This weekend I met this guy who made my favorite short film from last semester. He's writing a feature screenplay for his thesis project and when I realized it was him who wrote and directed the short film, I was so excited! I had to shake his hand again. Anyway, I sent him my short script "I hate men or why won't he text me" that I will be filming at the beginning of next year. He liked it and said it only had a few minor flaws, which I already knew about. But he's going to read it again after I work on another draft. We are not friends on facebook and um I might have a slight crush on him. BUT nothing serious, just kind of an awe of his film and it's nice that he's helping my script. I really haven't talked to him that much.
Additionally, I am now 2nd AD on the feature film I am working on as well as production coordinator. I'm down to producing just one D2, but I'm up to 1st ADing two and possibly helping out on another. It's going to be very interesting.
So let's talk about a few things that have happened this week. And not in the order they happened in.
Just call me Sheldon - someone sat in my seat today. And I mean Sheldon from the "Big Bang Theory." I went to class, and mind you we've had this class for a month and I have always sat in the same seat, and the girl who normally sits on my left was sitting in my seat. I was mad. I stood there for 15 seconds trying to figure out what to do with my self. I looked to sit in the seat one closer, but that was another girl's seat. I couldn't do that to her, that would be just as bad as what happened to me. So I sat in the chair one behind where I normally sit. It was weird and I was not happy. And the sorority girl that sat across from me was flaky. By the way, have I mentioned that this class of 22ish people only has two guys in it? I'm normally used to the odds being the other way around. I really don't like girls. Which, I know, sounds weird, but it's true. Girls tend to be bitches to each other, and I just prefer guys. They are easier to work with.
And since I'm talking about Sheldon, I'm all caught up on "The Big Bang Theory" which I absolutely adore. If you like geeks and their follies into social life, you will love this show. Plus it helps if you're a geek.
The other night I got upset with my roommate. And this is kind of adding on to what has already happened. It's just been one big long battle the last two months I've been living there. She does not wash her dishes, or even put them in the dishwasher. And we have sugar ants in the house now, and they really only bother her. I think they know she doesn't do her dishes. I have no lover for her dog either, who is currently not living at the house. The cats are much happier and are playing together now. She didn't take very good care of her dog. We took more care of him than she did. At least that's what it seems like. And when I mean we, I mean mostly Leigh. I was not having any of that dog unless I was the only one there. I wasn't going to let the ugly thing suffer just because of my dislike. In any case, we're now talking about dishes. I hate cleaning the kitchen, but it seems like I'm always doing it even though I immediately clean up after myself and put my dishes away. I can't cook in a dirty kitchen and I hate the ants. So I clean her dishes. Anyway the other night I was not in a too happy mood. And everyone likes to come over to our house to do their homework, which requires everyone else in the house to be quiet. Mind you, they are now doing it the day before it's due. We had already let other people record at our house earlier in the week for the same homework. I walk in the house and all the lights are on, even mine. I hadn't been home in 11 hours. Someone had been in my room. I don't have a problem with someone borrowing my things, as long as they ask me first. Nikki* went into my room and took things. She said that they were just there and she didn't rummage through anything. But that's not the point, she didn't ask. And all the lights were on and everything was a mess. AND THE KITCHEN! I talked to her about washing her dishes, and washing her dishes because of the ants, many many times. So when I talked to her again she grabbed the dirty pan from 11 hours earlier in the day, put soap and scrubbed it, and then left it in the sink. Then it had more dirty dishes piled on top. This morning she grabbed the pan, washed it, and used it. I'm sure it's sitting dirty on the stove right now. Leigh and I have agreed that we all need to sit down and have a discussion about stuff. We also asked her to change the filter for the AC because neither Leigh nor I can reach it very well. I had to stand on something and stand on my tip toes to finally get it. Basically, she doesn't keep her chores up very well. Except for taking out the trash, she does that well. She doesn't mop, or vacuum or clean the kitchen. She says she will but then she doesn't.
Okay. Rant over.
This weekend I met this guy who made my favorite short film from last semester. He's writing a feature screenplay for his thesis project and when I realized it was him who wrote and directed the short film, I was so excited! I had to shake his hand again. Anyway, I sent him my short script "I hate men or why won't he text me" that I will be filming at the beginning of next year. He liked it and said it only had a few minor flaws, which I already knew about. But he's going to read it again after I work on another draft. We are not friends on facebook and um I might have a slight crush on him. BUT nothing serious, just kind of an awe of his film and it's nice that he's helping my script. I really haven't talked to him that much.
Additionally, I am now 2nd AD on the feature film I am working on as well as production coordinator. I'm down to producing just one D2, but I'm up to 1st ADing two and possibly helping out on another. It's going to be very interesting.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
And the blood rushes out of my head
Facebook Update: Samson is in a relationship.
I'm going to go throw up right now.
Amended 5:30PM
I was almost to the point of getting over him. I was so close. And then the teasing started. And if I say what I'm really thinking about this, then it won't work out like that and things will go the opposite way. This might screw up my plans for the spring though. Maybe I will end up staying with my roomie's friend.
...Hooray for character building.
I'm going to go throw up right now.
Amended 5:30PM
I was almost to the point of getting over him. I was so close. And then the teasing started. And if I say what I'm really thinking about this, then it won't work out like that and things will go the opposite way. This might screw up my plans for the spring though. Maybe I will end up staying with my roomie's friend.
...Hooray for character building.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Grace and perseverance
The sermon today really made an impact on me. Which is nice since a lot of the time I tend to get lost in sermons. The sermon was on Grace. That Grace is what God does within us, without us. Grace is so that we can be at peace with God, but we don't always have peace in our hearts.
Often times we ask: Why me? why this trial? what did I do? But we didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. We can go through a time of great trials - tribulations - because we live in a broken world and broken things happen with great regularity to us. Grace teaches us through difficult times. Things get stripped away during these times of tribulation that need to be stripped away. Character is being built during trials.
No one wakes up thinking "I'm going through an awful time. That is so good!" But is it weird that I sometimes do think this. I know that bad things happen to us so that we grow up and grow closer to God. These are things that makes up stronger and better people.
I want to be in a relationship so bad. I am actually ready to be in a relationship. I am at that point in my life where things are going well for me. I'm about to finish school and my life is starting to pick up. When I'm told that I'm doing something wrong because I can't get a boyfriend, it's not my fault. I'm really not doing anything wrong. Times are just difficult, but I'm building character.
Longsuffering. Which is also perseverance. This longsuffering teaches me perseverance and I'm supposed to gain peace and patience from this. I'm to learn something. Patients is something I don't really have. So I'm just going to accept this fact of longsuffereing and perseverance. Character building. So I will longsuffer because in the end, it's all going to work out.
Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
Often times we ask: Why me? why this trial? what did I do? But we didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. We can go through a time of great trials - tribulations - because we live in a broken world and broken things happen with great regularity to us. Grace teaches us through difficult times. Things get stripped away during these times of tribulation that need to be stripped away. Character is being built during trials.
No one wakes up thinking "I'm going through an awful time. That is so good!" But is it weird that I sometimes do think this. I know that bad things happen to us so that we grow up and grow closer to God. These are things that makes up stronger and better people.
I want to be in a relationship so bad. I am actually ready to be in a relationship. I am at that point in my life where things are going well for me. I'm about to finish school and my life is starting to pick up. When I'm told that I'm doing something wrong because I can't get a boyfriend, it's not my fault. I'm really not doing anything wrong. Times are just difficult, but I'm building character.
Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law."
Longsuffering. Which is also perseverance. This longsuffering teaches me perseverance and I'm supposed to gain peace and patience from this. I'm to learn something. Patients is something I don't really have. So I'm just going to accept this fact of longsuffereing and perseverance. Character building. So I will longsuffer because in the end, it's all going to work out.
Feeling Good
Have you ever had one of those weeks where you just feel really good. Happy, or as close to happy as you can get, for no reason at all? I don't know about you, but these times are few and far between for me. This week has just been amazing. I've felt... relief and calm and... happy. Maybe content is a better word, but happy fits well enough. The last random happy time I had was a few years ago and I sent happy little messages to everyone. I've had moments of pure joy, like when I met Prince Caspian for my birthday. I was truly, really content and happy two months ago.
This week had many realizations and funny moments for me. Earlier I had a Michael Buble day. I turned on the music and it just made everything better. I wanted to dance and spin around. I didn't get the chance to, but I felt like it. Today, I felt good enough to just sing and make up my own songs. I haven't done that since I was little. While listening to Michael Buble I had a little thought:
So men, when you kiss a woman, and you don't feel like you're going to burn up - you're probably kissing the wrong girl. Ask another one out and see what happens. I think if you're missing that passion - along with the emotion and mental connection - you're missing out on a lot. That's just a side thought I had this weekend.
My meeting got pushed back to earlier today from Friday. But when the director called me on Friday to tell me he couldn't make it, he said I sounded impressive. Which seemed a little funny to me. What people, especially men, found intimidating is not found impressive. This cracks me up. When I told Isaac about this, he said that is the thing about growing up, that which we once feared we realize that we like and need. Today at my meeting the director did seem really impressed. I'm ready to just help in whatever fashion I can. I'm so stoked to work on another film. And I'm going to have a lot more responsibility this time around. I'm ready for it. I am happy being on film sets. It's home for me, so I'm glad to be there and help make the best film I can.
This week had many realizations and funny moments for me. Earlier I had a Michael Buble day. I turned on the music and it just made everything better. I wanted to dance and spin around. I didn't get the chance to, but I felt like it. Today, I felt good enough to just sing and make up my own songs. I haven't done that since I was little. While listening to Michael Buble I had a little thought:
Chicks were born to give you fever...when you kiss them...till you sizzle, what a lovely way to burn.
So men, when you kiss a woman, and you don't feel like you're going to burn up - you're probably kissing the wrong girl. Ask another one out and see what happens. I think if you're missing that passion - along with the emotion and mental connection - you're missing out on a lot. That's just a side thought I had this weekend.
My meeting got pushed back to earlier today from Friday. But when the director called me on Friday to tell me he couldn't make it, he said I sounded impressive. Which seemed a little funny to me. What people, especially men, found intimidating is not found impressive. This cracks me up. When I told Isaac about this, he said that is the thing about growing up, that which we once feared we realize that we like and need. Today at my meeting the director did seem really impressed. I'm ready to just help in whatever fashion I can. I'm so stoked to work on another film. And I'm going to have a lot more responsibility this time around. I'm ready for it. I am happy being on film sets. It's home for me, so I'm glad to be there and help make the best film I can.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Enough.
You want to know where that point is? It's right here. This very moment. This is the point where I get so frustrated with the whole non-relationship thing. The whole wanting something I can't have. And I am so mad at Samson. I hate him. But I really don't hate him. But I want to hate him.
This is the moment I've decided I want to get over him. I'm just afraid I'll never get to that point with anyone else where I'll feel happy like that again. I was happy. I wished for something to happen to me, but it didn't turn out like it should. And there are so many "what ifs" that they aren't worth thinking about.
I'm just going to do the best that I can in everything that I am attempting. I have four projects I am currently working on, and maybe a few more to be added shortly. There is so much that can happen and will happen soon.
Life goes on.
I will continue to go on. Until my body gives out I will push forward.
This is the moment I've decided I want to get over him. I'm just afraid I'll never get to that point with anyone else where I'll feel happy like that again. I was happy. I wished for something to happen to me, but it didn't turn out like it should. And there are so many "what ifs" that they aren't worth thinking about.
I'm just going to do the best that I can in everything that I am attempting. I have four projects I am currently working on, and maybe a few more to be added shortly. There is so much that can happen and will happen soon.
Life goes on.
I will continue to go on. Until my body gives out I will push forward.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Too bad, too late, so wrong, so long?
Today Sloany*, my coworker, and I were talking about luck. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. But then again, some good things have been happening. Or at least, they have been teasing me of the possibility of being good things. So I mention the whole got the boy, but then the boy left thing. And Sloany knows about it, but at the same time he's a guy so he doesn't always remember or pick up on everything.
So he tells me to message Samson. I tell him that I don't understand because my female roomies are telling me not to. That I need to make the guy wait and not to seem too needy. Sloany asks how long it's been, and then he says I've lost the guy and to move on. That if I don't show that I'm still interested the guy will lose interest. But hello! I'm the only one responding. Samson used to be good, but then I think he got really busy and we're far away from each other...
Then I told Sloany about the Samson facts: divorced within the year, older, and lives far away. Sloany then gave me three rules: No dating anyone who has been in a long term relationship recently because they're still emotionally attached and I'll just be the rebound. No dating men who have been married or are still married. No dating guys that are that old. Which, is what my father would have said if he knew. Well, actually my father did say that about my characters in my script that are based off this situation. That the guy was way too old for the girl but other than that the story was good.
Sloany is now going to give my facebook information to his friend for the hookup. I said okay. Only because no one EVER tries to hook me up with a friend, and because it's nice that he cares about me.
I just hate all guys. Men and boys. They are suck. Why do we have these stupid games we have to play? It would be so much easier if we were all just straight up and told the truth.
P.S.
Dear Roomies,
If you cost me the guy because you wouldn't let me text him, I will be a little upset.
<3
So he tells me to message Samson. I tell him that I don't understand because my female roomies are telling me not to. That I need to make the guy wait and not to seem too needy. Sloany asks how long it's been, and then he says I've lost the guy and to move on. That if I don't show that I'm still interested the guy will lose interest. But hello! I'm the only one responding. Samson used to be good, but then I think he got really busy and we're far away from each other...
Then I told Sloany about the Samson facts: divorced within the year, older, and lives far away. Sloany then gave me three rules: No dating anyone who has been in a long term relationship recently because they're still emotionally attached and I'll just be the rebound. No dating men who have been married or are still married. No dating guys that are that old. Which, is what my father would have said if he knew. Well, actually my father did say that about my characters in my script that are based off this situation. That the guy was way too old for the girl but other than that the story was good.
Sloany is now going to give my facebook information to his friend for the hookup. I said okay. Only because no one EVER tries to hook me up with a friend, and because it's nice that he cares about me.
I just hate all guys. Men and boys. They are suck. Why do we have these stupid games we have to play? It would be so much easier if we were all just straight up and told the truth.
P.S.
Dear Roomies,
If you cost me the guy because you wouldn't let me text him, I will be a little upset.
<3
Monday, September 14, 2009
Happy Day
Last week was an amazing week for me. On Wednesday the 9th, I met with the producer and director of a short film that wants to use my work's waiting room. I got to talking with them, and the producer is associate producing for a graduate's feature film this winter. We talked about my experience, and they are looking for more crew for pre-production and production. I told them about my experience and what I want to accomplish this semester and the producer was impressed. She said that I seemed like a hard worker and I told them what Samson said about my work this semester. They were wowed by that. I was happy. The producer said she would pass my name along to the director and the other people working on the film. After they left, I began to hyperventilate and be very excited. I am ecstatic about working on another film. I loved every minute of it last time.
On Friday the 11th, the director called me to set up a meeting. So we're meeting this Friday to discuss how I can help on the film. They're looking for a 2nd AD, so I'm hoping that I get that spot. I think it is something that I could do well with and I want to get into ADing too. I think it's something I would enjoy. Plus, I learned so much from Samson this summer about it, and he thinks that I would do well as an AD. He knows what he's talking about, so I'll trust him on that. I'm hoping that I get the chance to show what I can do. I am a hard worker and would love to push myself to the limits. We will have to see what happens on Friday with everything.
On Friday the 11th, the director called me to set up a meeting. So we're meeting this Friday to discuss how I can help on the film. They're looking for a 2nd AD, so I'm hoping that I get that spot. I think it is something that I could do well with and I want to get into ADing too. I think it's something I would enjoy. Plus, I learned so much from Samson this summer about it, and he thinks that I would do well as an AD. He knows what he's talking about, so I'll trust him on that. I'm hoping that I get the chance to show what I can do. I am a hard worker and would love to push myself to the limits. We will have to see what happens on Friday with everything.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Socially Acceptable?
I met this guy Nate* on set a while ago. And we're just friends. We were close on set and hung out a lot. We would always have so much fun. He would hug on me and we'd talk a lot which was nice. He's also married and is 9 years older than I am. I have guy friends and older guy friends, but this is really the first person that I've been friends with a married man. My friend Tameron* just got married, but we've been close friends for the last four years. that's different. Plus, I know his wife.
Nate is someone new that I've met, and we're friends, but I know I have to be careful about how people see that. I know that Nate and I can't hang out without a million other people around or it looks funny. Not that either of us have interest in the others, but we have to worry about social issues. The thought didn't even cross my mind until the other day when I thought how others might see that.
Is it still a taboo for single women to be friends with older, married men? I'm not entirely sure in this day and age what people think.
Nate is someone new that I've met, and we're friends, but I know I have to be careful about how people see that. I know that Nate and I can't hang out without a million other people around or it looks funny. Not that either of us have interest in the others, but we have to worry about social issues. The thought didn't even cross my mind until the other day when I thought how others might see that.
Is it still a taboo for single women to be friends with older, married men? I'm not entirely sure in this day and age what people think.
Silence is harder
It's been a month and a half since we wrapped and a month since I last heard from Samson. My roommate Leigh* banned me from messaging him, thinking about him, talking about him, texting him for most of this month. I did text him on the first, but haven't heard back from him. I haven't even looked at his facebook.
Normally, it's easy for me to get over a guy. I just make up my mind and *snap* I'm over him. This is easier said than done in this situation. I usually know that a guy isn't into me, and that's how I make up my mind. If I can't have it, then I don't want it.
The hard part about my situation with Samson is that when we last saw each other, he like me and I knew it. I think he might still like me. I hope so. Samson did tell me that he wants me to let him know when I come into his town. I would of course because I would need to crash on his couch. He said he would still like to talk with me. And yet, he's hard to get a hold of. Which he did tell me before. But I can't help thinking about what Greg Behrendt's "rules" are. All of the internal drama I went through for those last few weeks he was in town, and the culmination of it all at the end has my head all in a mess.
I am still waiting for the semester to pick up so that I can finally get other things moving around in my head. For now I will just have to focus on what I can. I will continue to try to be friendly with him, for if noting else I still want to be friends.
Normally, it's easy for me to get over a guy. I just make up my mind and *snap* I'm over him. This is easier said than done in this situation. I usually know that a guy isn't into me, and that's how I make up my mind. If I can't have it, then I don't want it.
The hard part about my situation with Samson is that when we last saw each other, he like me and I knew it. I think he might still like me. I hope so. Samson did tell me that he wants me to let him know when I come into his town. I would of course because I would need to crash on his couch. He said he would still like to talk with me. And yet, he's hard to get a hold of. Which he did tell me before. But I can't help thinking about what Greg Behrendt's "rules" are. All of the internal drama I went through for those last few weeks he was in town, and the culmination of it all at the end has my head all in a mess.
I am still waiting for the semester to pick up so that I can finally get other things moving around in my head. For now I will just have to focus on what I can. I will continue to try to be friendly with him, for if noting else I still want to be friends.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Who cares about birthdays?
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. There is something else I should be doing instead. Somewhere else I should be. This is not enough for me.
Today is my 22nd birthday. Or it was 30 minutes ago. Birthdays are sad. The friends I want to be here aren't in the same state, and then the friends that are in the same state don't show up. Birthdays to me are a time to find out who really cares about you.
Today I finally admitted that my best friend is no longer my best friend. We both basically admitted it today. After the fight last week I've just given up. I just don't care enough anymore to try to make it work from my side. It's not supposed to be a one sided thing. We're still friends and she means a lot to me, but she really isn't my best friend and hasn't been for a long time now. At least the last two years. I've always been there when she needed me, but she has never been there for me. And that's fine, I get it. When someone isn't important, they just aren't important. If someone wants to make people who are mean to them before their new best friends, that's their right. I just keep moving on. After admitting it to my mother that I have no best friend, it was just easier to accept.
My party was a bit of a wash. I spent all day shopping, cleaning, organizing everything for this party. And the last couple of days I've really been on edge. Yesterday and today have been one month since we finished filming. One month since I've seen Samson. One month since I've been happy. I don't know if that has anything to do with anything, but I've not been happy.
Today everyone forgot about the party. And it wasn't just my birthday party, but it was also our house warming party for my roommates and myself as well as a start of the semester party. So there were some people I didn't know, and then there were some that I did. One friend of mine was here for a good period of time and he even brought me a bottle of wine which was really nice. I used to really love birthdays, but since my 20th they have just been lame. This year the semester starts after my birthday so no one can really celebrate. Yesterday my roommates and I went to Disney and we had a blast, but today has just really sucked. Tomorrow I celebrate with the family, but I'm over the birthday thing. It just doesn't mean anything anymore.
We're going to try again next weekend. I bought a to of stuff for the party that needs to be used soon. Hopefully people will be able to show up next weekend. We'll see.
Today is my 22nd birthday. Or it was 30 minutes ago. Birthdays are sad. The friends I want to be here aren't in the same state, and then the friends that are in the same state don't show up. Birthdays to me are a time to find out who really cares about you.
Today I finally admitted that my best friend is no longer my best friend. We both basically admitted it today. After the fight last week I've just given up. I just don't care enough anymore to try to make it work from my side. It's not supposed to be a one sided thing. We're still friends and she means a lot to me, but she really isn't my best friend and hasn't been for a long time now. At least the last two years. I've always been there when she needed me, but she has never been there for me. And that's fine, I get it. When someone isn't important, they just aren't important. If someone wants to make people who are mean to them before their new best friends, that's their right. I just keep moving on. After admitting it to my mother that I have no best friend, it was just easier to accept.
My party was a bit of a wash. I spent all day shopping, cleaning, organizing everything for this party. And the last couple of days I've really been on edge. Yesterday and today have been one month since we finished filming. One month since I've seen Samson. One month since I've been happy. I don't know if that has anything to do with anything, but I've not been happy.
Today everyone forgot about the party. And it wasn't just my birthday party, but it was also our house warming party for my roommates and myself as well as a start of the semester party. So there were some people I didn't know, and then there were some that I did. One friend of mine was here for a good period of time and he even brought me a bottle of wine which was really nice. I used to really love birthdays, but since my 20th they have just been lame. This year the semester starts after my birthday so no one can really celebrate. Yesterday my roommates and I went to Disney and we had a blast, but today has just really sucked. Tomorrow I celebrate with the family, but I'm over the birthday thing. It just doesn't mean anything anymore.
We're going to try again next weekend. I bought a to of stuff for the party that needs to be used soon. Hopefully people will be able to show up next weekend. We'll see.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I don't know how to do this
A little bit of background on my "love life": I haven't dated anyone over an extended period of time since I was 18, and that was only for one month. Over the last four years, I have gone on a few dates - if you can call them that - very sporadically. I've been attracted to some guys over that time, but nothing ever worked out. This is all a lengthy and complicated story that would take too long to tell. But I am going to play a little catch up of my summer (if you want to read more, check out my glorious summer of promise blog) and the first man I have really liked in a long time. I first saw Samson* on June 17th at a production meeting. I knew immediately there was something about him even though we were never closer than 30 feet. A month later we really started filming and it wasn't until the second or third week in that I really got the chance to get to know him. To make a long story short, I had this huge internal drama trying to figure out if he liked me too and in the end it turned out that he did. The day after we both went to different states, him back to where he lived and me to a convention on the west coast. I'm sure I'll expand more on this at another time, but let's touch on a different issue.
I don't know how to like someone as an adult. I don't know how to like a man. I don't know how to like a man who lives in a different state. I don't know how to like a man who lives in a different state and just got out of a serious relationship.
I'm trying to stay realistic. I'm trying not to hope too much, but it's difficult. I haven't ever really liked someone like this. I haven't liked anyone in a very long time - not seriously. I've had my crushes, but those have been mostly physical. Not like this. There is just something about him that draws me in. I can't explain it. It's just his being. I hate that I know there is someone out there like this, that I am so drawn to and I just can't be with him. That I can't talk to him often. That he's always working. That I won't see him for six months. I don't know how to act. I don't know how to reel myself back in.
This is something that has potential to be something great, the timing is just off. Maybe I just need to trust that things are working how they are meant to work out. Maybe I just need to let go and let live. I don't want what I hope to happen to affect my life. I'm going to be realistic and just live my life day to day. I'm going to better myself without changing who am I in my core. I have a goal now and a reason that makes more sense. Maybe now I will be able to stick to things better.
This summer has been unbelievable. Things have happened that I wouldn't have imagined. And now it's over and those amazing things are not here, but they have changed the way I look at life. I'm just confused over how to be an adult. How is one supposed to act? How is one supposed to feel? This is very new to me, and I don't want to mess it up because I'm still so young.
I don't know how to like someone as an adult. I don't know how to like a man. I don't know how to like a man who lives in a different state. I don't know how to like a man who lives in a different state and just got out of a serious relationship.
I'm trying to stay realistic. I'm trying not to hope too much, but it's difficult. I haven't ever really liked someone like this. I haven't liked anyone in a very long time - not seriously. I've had my crushes, but those have been mostly physical. Not like this. There is just something about him that draws me in. I can't explain it. It's just his being. I hate that I know there is someone out there like this, that I am so drawn to and I just can't be with him. That I can't talk to him often. That he's always working. That I won't see him for six months. I don't know how to act. I don't know how to reel myself back in.
This is something that has potential to be something great, the timing is just off. Maybe I just need to trust that things are working how they are meant to work out. Maybe I just need to let go and let live. I don't want what I hope to happen to affect my life. I'm going to be realistic and just live my life day to day. I'm going to better myself without changing who am I in my core. I have a goal now and a reason that makes more sense. Maybe now I will be able to stick to things better.
This summer has been unbelievable. Things have happened that I wouldn't have imagined. And now it's over and those amazing things are not here, but they have changed the way I look at life. I'm just confused over how to be an adult. How is one supposed to act? How is one supposed to feel? This is very new to me, and I don't want to mess it up because I'm still so young.
With 110% Honesty
Hi, my name is Ashley. I'm a 22 year old student at the University of Central Florida. In December I will be graduating. For the first time in over 17 years I will not be a student. My whole life I have lived in this protective bubble formed by my family, school, and church life. I've always had someone backing me up, someone to catch me if I was falling too hard.
In the last month I have officially moved out of my parents house paying my own rent and all that. I've been paying a lot of my own bills for the last couple of years, but now I am officially on my own. I also worked on a feature film for the first time. This has opened so many doors to me with meeting new people and making connections that could help my career immensely as I prepare to enter the field full time.
Through all these outward changes, there have been some major internal ones too. Growing up is a slow but steady process that is different for everyone. One of the biggest factors that has changed are my relationships with other people: my parents, my friends, my coworkers, and just people in general. I think that this change and my adaptation to it is something that will define who I am as a person and how others see me. My goal for this blog is to continually update this and give a full account of my life. I will be completely honest as I have never been before.
I'm not someone who believes in keeping my own secrets. I subscribe to an open book policy. I like to answer questions and explain to other people how and why I see the world as I do. There are always at least three people in the world that know everyone of my secrets. You are now about to become one of those people.
While I am going to be honest about myself, I do have to protect the other people in my life. Events, facts, and my opinions and views on life are going to be completely accurate - as accurate as they can be from one person's point of view - but I will be changing names to protect my friends and family. You will know these names have been changed because an * at the end of the name the first time it's posted will indicate this.
One more piece of information about this blog - I'm going to be tagging these all by relationships. i.e. romantic, female friends, male friends, parents, brother, etc.
If you have any questions or anything, please just leave a comment and I will try to respond as soon as possible.
In the last month I have officially moved out of my parents house paying my own rent and all that. I've been paying a lot of my own bills for the last couple of years, but now I am officially on my own. I also worked on a feature film for the first time. This has opened so many doors to me with meeting new people and making connections that could help my career immensely as I prepare to enter the field full time.
Through all these outward changes, there have been some major internal ones too. Growing up is a slow but steady process that is different for everyone. One of the biggest factors that has changed are my relationships with other people: my parents, my friends, my coworkers, and just people in general. I think that this change and my adaptation to it is something that will define who I am as a person and how others see me. My goal for this blog is to continually update this and give a full account of my life. I will be completely honest as I have never been before.
I'm not someone who believes in keeping my own secrets. I subscribe to an open book policy. I like to answer questions and explain to other people how and why I see the world as I do. There are always at least three people in the world that know everyone of my secrets. You are now about to become one of those people.
While I am going to be honest about myself, I do have to protect the other people in my life. Events, facts, and my opinions and views on life are going to be completely accurate - as accurate as they can be from one person's point of view - but I will be changing names to protect my friends and family. You will know these names have been changed because an * at the end of the name the first time it's posted will indicate this.
One more piece of information about this blog - I'm going to be tagging these all by relationships. i.e. romantic, female friends, male friends, parents, brother, etc.
If you have any questions or anything, please just leave a comment and I will try to respond as soon as possible.
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