Two out of three ain't bad.

I've been thinking a lot over the past week and a day since I found out. A week and two days ago I was completely and obliviously happy. Now, I'm starting to regain some bounce, although two nights ago was a bit of a breaking point for me. Things are looking up. I'm looking for the small things in life to make me happy. I sincerely have hope for the future. It's my present I tend to worry about. I know everything will work out how it is supposed to, but the present is always harder for me. I have a lot of things going for me and I am happy for that. I have friends and family who care for me, I have a job, I'm almost done with school, and I have many film projects that I am depend upon for. It is a great feeling to be needed and appreciated.

So let's talk about a few things that have happened this week. And not in the order they happened in.

Just call me Sheldon - someone sat in my seat today. And I mean Sheldon from the "Big Bang Theory." I went to class, and mind you we've had this class for a month and I have always sat in the same seat, and the girl who normally sits on my left was sitting in my seat. I was mad. I stood there for 15 seconds trying to figure out what to do with my self. I looked to sit in the seat one closer, but that was another girl's seat. I couldn't do that to her, that would be just as bad as what happened to me. So I sat in the chair one behind where I normally sit. It was weird and I was not happy. And the sorority girl that sat across from me was flaky. By the way, have I mentioned that this class of 22ish people only has two guys in it? I'm normally used to the odds being the other way around. I really don't like girls. Which, I know, sounds weird, but it's true. Girls tend to be bitches to each other, and I just prefer guys. They are easier to work with.

And since I'm talking about Sheldon, I'm all caught up on "The Big Bang Theory" which I absolutely adore. If you like geeks and their follies into social life, you will love this show. Plus it helps if you're a geek.

The other night I got upset with my roommate. And this is kind of adding on to what has already happened. It's just been one big long battle the last two months I've been living there. She does not wash her dishes, or even put them in the dishwasher. And we have sugar ants in the house now, and they really only bother her. I think they know she doesn't do her dishes. I have no lover for her dog either, who is currently not living at the house. The cats are much happier and are playing together now. She didn't take very good care of her dog. We took more care of him than she did. At least that's what it seems like. And when I mean we, I mean mostly Leigh. I was not having any of that dog unless I was the only one there. I wasn't going to let the ugly thing suffer just because of my dislike. In any case, we're now talking about dishes. I hate cleaning the kitchen, but it seems like I'm always doing it even though I immediately clean up after myself and put my dishes away. I can't cook in a dirty kitchen and I hate the ants. So I clean her dishes. Anyway the other night I was not in a too happy mood. And everyone likes to come over to our house to do their homework, which requires everyone else in the house to be quiet. Mind you, they are now doing it the day before it's due. We had already let other people record at our house earlier in the week for the same homework. I walk in the house and all the lights are on, even mine. I hadn't been home in 11 hours. Someone had been in my room. I don't have a problem with someone borrowing my things, as long as they ask me first. Nikki* went into my room and took things. She said that they were just there and she didn't rummage through anything. But that's not the point, she didn't ask. And all the lights were on and everything was a mess. AND THE KITCHEN! I talked to her about washing her dishes, and washing her dishes because of the ants, many many times. So when I talked to her again she grabbed the dirty pan from 11 hours earlier in the day, put soap and scrubbed it, and then left it in the sink. Then it had more dirty dishes piled on top. This morning she grabbed the pan, washed it, and used it. I'm sure it's sitting dirty on the stove right now. Leigh and I have agreed that we all need to sit down and have a discussion about stuff. We also asked her to change the filter for the AC because neither Leigh nor I can reach it very well. I had to stand on something and stand on my tip toes to finally get it. Basically, she doesn't keep her chores up very well. Except for taking out the trash, she does that well. She doesn't mop, or vacuum or clean the kitchen. She says she will but then she doesn't.

Okay. Rant over.

This weekend I met this guy who made my favorite short film from last semester. He's writing a feature screenplay for his thesis project and when I realized it was him who wrote and directed the short film, I was so excited! I had to shake his hand again. Anyway, I sent him my short script "I hate men or why won't he text me" that I will be filming at the beginning of next year. He liked it and said it only had a few minor flaws, which I already knew about. But he's going to read it again after I work on another draft. We are not friends on facebook and um I might have a slight crush on him. BUT nothing serious, just kind of an awe of his film and it's nice that he's helping my script. I really haven't talked to him that much.

Additionally, I am now 2nd AD on the feature film I am working on as well as production coordinator. I'm down to producing just one D2, but I'm up to 1st ADing two and possibly helping out on another. It's going to be very interesting.

Poetry

Dear Samson.
You are a liar.
Liars go to hell.
Burn, baby, burn.

And the blood rushes out of my head

Facebook Update: Samson is in a relationship.

I'm going to go throw up right now.

Amended 5:30PM
I was almost to the point of getting over him. I was so close. And then the teasing started. And if I say what I'm really thinking about this, then it won't work out like that and things will go the opposite way. This might screw up my plans for the spring though. Maybe I will end up staying with my roomie's friend.

...Hooray for character building.

Grace and perseverance

The sermon today really made an impact on me. Which is nice since a lot of the time I tend to get lost in sermons. The sermon was on Grace. That Grace is what God does within us, without us. Grace is so that we can be at peace with God, but we don't always have peace in our hearts.

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Often times we ask: Why me? why this trial? what did I do? But we didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. We can go through a time of great trials - tribulations - because we live in a broken world and broken things happen with great regularity to us. Grace teaches us through difficult times. Things get stripped away during these times of tribulation that need to be stripped away. Character is being built during trials.

No one wakes up thinking "I'm going through an awful time. That is so good!" But is it weird that I sometimes do think this. I know that bad things happen to us so that we grow up and grow closer to God. These are things that makes up stronger and better people.

I want to be in a relationship so bad. I am actually ready to be in a relationship. I am at that point in my life where things are going well for me. I'm about to finish school and my life is starting to pick up. When I'm told that I'm doing something wrong because I can't get a boyfriend, it's not my fault. I'm really not doing anything wrong. Times are just difficult, but I'm building character.

Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law."

Longsuffering. Which is also perseverance. This longsuffering teaches me perseverance and I'm supposed to gain peace and patience from this. I'm to learn something. Patients is something I don't really have. So I'm just going to accept this fact of longsuffereing and perseverance. Character building. So I will longsuffer because in the end, it's all going to work out.

Feeling Good

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you just feel really good. Happy, or as close to happy as you can get, for no reason at all? I don't know about you, but these times are few and far between for me. This week has just been amazing. I've felt... relief and calm and... happy. Maybe content is a better word, but happy fits well enough. The last random happy time I had was a few years ago and I sent happy little messages to everyone. I've had moments of pure joy, like when I met Prince Caspian for my birthday. I was truly, really content and happy two months ago.

This week had many realizations and funny moments for me. Earlier I had a Michael Buble day. I turned on the music and it just made everything better. I wanted to dance and spin around. I didn't get the chance to, but I felt like it. Today, I felt good enough to just sing and make up my own songs. I haven't done that since I was little. While listening to Michael Buble I had a little thought:

Chicks were born to give you fever...when you kiss them...till you sizzle, what a lovely way to burn.

So men, when you kiss a woman, and you don't feel like you're going to burn up - you're probably kissing the wrong girl. Ask another one out and see what happens. I think if you're missing that passion - along with the emotion and mental connection - you're missing out on a lot. That's just a side thought I had this weekend.

My meeting got pushed back to earlier today from Friday. But when the director called me on Friday to tell me he couldn't make it, he said I sounded impressive. Which seemed a little funny to me. What people, especially men, found intimidating is not found impressive. This cracks me up. When I told Isaac about this, he said that is the thing about growing up, that which we once feared we realize that we like and need. Today at my meeting the director did seem really impressed. I'm ready to just help in whatever fashion I can. I'm so stoked to work on another film. And I'm going to have a lot more responsibility this time around. I'm ready for it. I am happy being on film sets. It's home for me, so I'm glad to be there and help make the best film I can.

Enough.

You want to know where that point is? It's right here. This very moment. This is the point where I get so frustrated with the whole non-relationship thing. The whole wanting something I can't have. And I am so mad at Samson. I hate him. But I really don't hate him. But I want to hate him.

This is the moment I've decided I want to get over him. I'm just afraid I'll never get to that point with anyone else where I'll feel happy like that again. I was happy. I wished for something to happen to me, but it didn't turn out like it should. And there are so many "what ifs" that they aren't worth thinking about.

I'm just going to do the best that I can in everything that I am attempting. I have four projects I am currently working on, and maybe a few more to be added shortly. There is so much that can happen and will happen soon.

Life goes on.

I will continue to go on. Until my body gives out I will push forward.

Too bad, too late, so wrong, so long?

Today Sloany*, my coworker, and I were talking about luck. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. But then again, some good things have been happening. Or at least, they have been teasing me of the possibility of being good things. So I mention the whole got the boy, but then the boy left thing. And Sloany knows about it, but at the same time he's a guy so he doesn't always remember or pick up on everything.

So he tells me to message Samson. I tell him that I don't understand because my female roomies are telling me not to. That I need to make the guy wait and not to seem too needy. Sloany asks how long it's been, and then he says I've lost the guy and to move on. That if I don't show that I'm still interested the guy will lose interest. But hello! I'm the only one responding. Samson used to be good, but then I think he got really busy and we're far away from each other...

Then I told Sloany about the Samson facts: divorced within the year, older, and lives far away. Sloany then gave me three rules: No dating anyone who has been in a long term relationship recently because they're still emotionally attached and I'll just be the rebound. No dating men who have been married or are still married. No dating guys that are that old. Which, is what my father would have said if he knew. Well, actually my father did say that about my characters in my script that are based off this situation. That the guy was way too old for the girl but other than that the story was good.

Sloany is now going to give my facebook information to his friend for the hookup. I said okay. Only because no one EVER tries to hook me up with a friend, and because it's nice that he cares about me.

I just hate all guys. Men and boys. They are suck. Why do we have these stupid games we have to play? It would be so much easier if we were all just straight up and told the truth.

P.S.

Dear Roomies,

If you cost me the guy because you wouldn't let me text him, I will be a little upset.

<3

Happy Day

Last week was an amazing week for me. On Wednesday the 9th, I met with the producer and director of a short film that wants to use my work's waiting room. I got to talking with them, and the producer is associate producing for a graduate's feature film this winter. We talked about my experience, and they are looking for more crew for pre-production and production. I told them about my experience and what I want to accomplish this semester and the producer was impressed. She said that I seemed like a hard worker and I told them what Samson said about my work this semester. They were wowed by that. I was happy. The producer said she would pass my name along to the director and the other people working on the film. After they left, I began to hyperventilate and be very excited. I am ecstatic about working on another film. I loved every minute of it last time.

On Friday the 11th, the director called me to set up a meeting. So we're meeting this Friday to discuss how I can help on the film. They're looking for a 2nd AD, so I'm hoping that I get that spot. I think it is something that I could do well with and I want to get into ADing too. I think it's something I would enjoy. Plus, I learned so much from Samson this summer about it, and he thinks that I would do well as an AD. He knows what he's talking about, so I'll trust him on that. I'm hoping that I get the chance to show what I can do. I am a hard worker and would love to push myself to the limits. We will have to see what happens on Friday with everything.

Socially Acceptable?

I met this guy Nate* on set a while ago. And we're just friends. We were close on set and hung out a lot. We would always have so much fun. He would hug on me and we'd talk a lot which was nice. He's also married and is 9 years older than I am. I have guy friends and older guy friends, but this is really the first person that I've been friends with a married man. My friend Tameron* just got married, but we've been close friends for the last four years. that's different. Plus, I know his wife.

Nate is someone new that I've met, and we're friends, but I know I have to be careful about how people see that. I know that Nate and I can't hang out without a million other people around or it looks funny. Not that either of us have interest in the others, but we have to worry about social issues. The thought didn't even cross my mind until the other day when I thought how others might see that.

Is it still a taboo for single women to be friends with older, married men? I'm not entirely sure in this day and age what people think.

Silence is harder

It's been a month and a half since we wrapped and a month since I last heard from Samson. My roommate Leigh* banned me from messaging him, thinking about him, talking about him, texting him for most of this month. I did text him on the first, but haven't heard back from him. I haven't even looked at his facebook.

Normally, it's easy for me to get over a guy. I just make up my mind and *snap* I'm over him. This is easier said than done in this situation. I usually know that a guy isn't into me, and that's how I make up my mind. If I can't have it, then I don't want it.

The hard part about my situation with Samson is that when we last saw each other, he like me and I knew it. I think he might still like me. I hope so. Samson did tell me that he wants me to let him know when I come into his town. I would of course because I would need to crash on his couch. He said he would still like to talk with me. And yet, he's hard to get a hold of. Which he did tell me before. But I can't help thinking about what Greg Behrendt's "rules" are. All of the internal drama I went through for those last few weeks he was in town, and the culmination of it all at the end has my head all in a mess.

I am still waiting for the semester to pick up so that I can finally get other things moving around in my head. For now I will just have to focus on what I can. I will continue to try to be friendly with him, for if noting else I still want to be friends.