Roll to me

Sometimes the most random songs strike a chord in you. Roll to me, Paparazzi, & Breakeven.

Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it’d be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
The right time to roll to me

Look into your heart pretty baby,
Is it aching with some nameless need.
Is there something wrong and you can’t put your finger on it
Right then, roll to me

And I don’t think I have ever seen a soul so in despair
So if you want to talk the night through
Guess who will be there?

So don’t try to deny it pretty baby,
You’ve been down so long you can hardly see
When the engine’s stalled and it won’t stop raining
It’s the right time to roll to me

Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it’d be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
The right time to roll to me

Del Amitri - Roll to Me

These are the few hours I allow myself to grieve for what I know I've lost and what I can't hope to ever have. 4 months...

Eff boys. It's time for TWILIGHT!

Sherridan is in town to go with Freddy tomorrow to Disney. One. Freddy lied to me, but I already knew. Two. Sherridan is leaving right after Disney and won't even see me even though on Saturday when I was go St Augustine I stopped by his work to see him. I'm stopping all communications with him. Deleting him from my phone. I really don't need another one-sided friendship.

Where to start?

Okay, I've wanted to write here more often, because let's face it, there's a lot of drama going on right now. Pre-production is keeping me way way way busy. There is a lot to do in the next 11 days!

I'm giving up on Sherridan for right now. If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me.

Adamar actually broke up with his girlfriend, funny story but that would give away who it is. So he's on the market again, but not really looking for anyone.

Samson, let's face it. I might see him next month, and I have the perfect outfit for when I do, but I may not see him until March. We're definitely going to hang out then. We'll see what happens with this.

Right now I'm just going to work hard on this film project, be a good friend, and flirt a little with whoever I like.

Let's just play this cool.

Friday Night

I'm sitting alone at home, nursing a beer, crying over "The Ugly Truth" and thinking about how much this reflects my life.

I'm the Abby character, only that I don't get either Colin or Gerard Butler.

Although to quote Tara from True Blood:

"Maybe I'm unboyfriendable.

Sometimes it's good to be bad.

I talked to both Samson and Sherridan today.

It feels so good to be bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.

Wow.

I've forgotten how good it was just to listen to him talk.

I can wait.

I'll see him in March.

Maybe sooner.

...

Samson actually called me back. This is the first time we've actually talked since July 22nd.

I really didn't expect him to call me back. Of course it's all business. He doesn't have time to talk...

I feel like I'm just going to fall into the void of numbness. Too many emotions over the last six months for me to process. It's time to just shut down.

It seems I walked in on something. Sherridan was in the middle of courting another girl when he met me. He told Freddy that he's not interested in me yet? So it seems like he's interested in being interested.

Sherridan asked another girl out on a date. I do live two hours away...

The definition of my life

Longsuffering - the act of perseverance in a time of tribulations and trials. Out of this comes character; and from character, hope. But also, do not let your emotions make the decisions for you. Use rational thought. For although your intentions are pure of heart, to others it's all a game.

I should've learned from the whole Samson situation. To be patient. To just let things go as they will. Yeah, Sherridan and I had an awesome conversation on Monday night, but now it's Thursday and we haven't talked since. Tuesday I waited around for him to call. Yesterday I called and left a voicemail which he didn't return. Even though I knew he was off work and online. He didn't message me either.

So I'm not texting him today. If he wants to talk to me, then he'll talk to me. If he doesn't then he doesn't. Maybe I'll text him next week. I'm driving through his town next weekend, maybe he'll want to meet up for a meal or something. Who knows.

I'm just going to give it a rest and see what happens.

I like and don't like the lack of control. Alas, I did ask for the resistence.

First, I have to thank all of the guys that I've been talking to about all of this stuff. Thank you Nate, James, and Freddy* for all your concern. Thank you for caring if I get burned again. It really means a lot to me.

I met Sherridan on Thursday. Left the party around 2am ish. Maybe closer to 3? Anyway, we instantly became cohorts in getting Nikki and Freddy together. We've come to the conclusion they are basically together in a couple like fashion - even though they haven't been on a first date yet. So at the party I got kicked/kicked myself off the couch so that Freddy could sit by Nikki and put his arm around her. Worked perfectly. But I seated myself in Freddy's empty space which happened to be next to Sherridan. Okay, maybe I sat there purposely.

There is enough space between our chairs, and then other people come back to the party and sit in chairs behind ours, so he scoots closer to me unnecessarily. Then our upper arms are touching and neither of us moves away from it. Then my foot rests on his leg - yes, he noticed. Not that he moved from that either. We don't get to talk very much because there are very awkward films playing on the screen, but we do comment every once and a while on the screen. Eventually Nikki and Freddy fall asleep on the other and we look at each other wanting to leave them be, but also not sure if we should wake them up because it was getting late. We let them wake on their own, which I was glad about because I still wanted to sit next to him. I was trying to be constantly in contact. Made comments about his fake blood. Touching his shirt, his arm. The usual signs. Eventually Freddy and Nikki woke up on their own and we got up to leave. I gave Sherridan a hug as we were leaving. We got home about five minutes later and I got a text from Sherridan. We talked about Nikki and Freddy for a while. We had been texted a little over the weekend. And on the weekend we talked online a little bit. It was nice to get texts back right away.

Monday night after class I had a lot to do. I dropped Leigh off at home so she could go to her meeting. Then I went to my brother's house to drop off the parking pass we share. I was then on my way over to another friend's house to get the agreement signed so we could film there the next day. So I had to wait for Freddy to text me the number, which took him forever to do. Anyway, Sherridan called me. I was surprised. We texted a little bit on my drive home, but I didn't actually expect him to call. So I pulled over into the strip mall across the street from Freddy's apartment and sat and talked on the phone getting to know Sherridan.

We were both very blunt about it. He knows I'm into him, but he's not sure if he wants to start something. We live two hours away from each other and all that jazz. So we're just getting to know each other and things like that. Supposedly I was the only one he was allowed to hit on the party because everyone else was taken or was being crushed on by the hosts. Which is a bit offensive for me, but the hosts had already had their crushes on me and were over them. So maybe not so offensive. We talked for two and a half hours before I was kicked out of the parking lot because my car might have been towed - with me in it! We got off the phone a while after that because he made me go to Freddy's since I was supposed to do that over two hours before. We had the whole argument about who was supposed to call whom. That was about a five minute argument. We hung up and I ended up losing and called him back about 20 minutes later because Freddy's roommate wasn't at home yet. We talked for about 30 more minutes and then I had to meet with the roommate. Then Sherridan called me back. We talked until about 3 am. We had the who hangs up first argument.

I wanted him to call again yesterday, but that didn't happen. He might have been testing me because he knows I like a guy who can resist my controlling nature. I've decided that I want to talk to him, so I'm going to call him tonight after he gets off work. I think he would like that.

He has friends he meets up with in a chat room almost every night I suppose, and that I was the topic of conversation for a while. He gave them main points in our conversation and then said that I liked him. Go. He told me he told them the situation and such. I don't know what that means. What's the situation. And he is playing the game with me, in that he didn't tell me what his feelings are straight out. He's interested, but doesn't know if he's interested enough yet. But that makes sense.

I was asking all of the guys listed at the top today what I should do. They all were telling me to think with my head and not to get burned again. It was nice that they care.

Nate: Don't let your emotions make the decision, use rational thought. This is a game.

Interesting...

Here's the update I was thinking about before I talked to Sherridan last night.

I found out that Samson broke up with his girlfriend. I don't know exactly when it happened, but it did. So I promptly asked my friends' advice.

Me: Samson is single again...
James*: wasn't aware he was dating at some point
Me: maybe I could start texting him again
ohyeah
like a month and a half ago he started dating this girl
I guesss they were together for about a month because now they're broken up
maybe I should send him a text thanking him for the AD advice and that I'm really
loving it
and that i'm seconding in december for a feature
James: just don't get yourself hurt again
Me: it's still all the same hurt
just now maybe he might respond back
Leigh would tell me no
and i want to tell her
but also would tell me no
James: im kind of telling you no
Me: I'm going to ask other people
because i want a yes
James: good luck with Samson
Me: yeah, I'm going to ask around before I do anything

Today
James: what happened to Samson
Me: I didn't text him
I'm just going to let it go for now
if something happens, then it happens
but right now, i'm content with what else is going on
James: good mentality to have
Me: yeah. right now is a nice time for me
i might have options

Then I asked Nate and Adamar* - who I happen to also like, but he has a girlfriend.

Me: Just found out Samson is single again. Do you think I should send him a little thanks for advice text?
Nate: If you seek him out you empower him. You should have the upper hand so be careful what you say if anything.

Adamar: Well, you might wanna hurry up and get down there!
Me: He lives in New Orleans. Maybe if I just give it some time and maybe let him think about things with me before attacking again? I'm going there in March to visit.
Adamar: Yeah. I have no idea anymore. i'm about to epic fail my current relationship so I probably shouldn't give advice... lol
Me: Oh no! I thought you guys were going so well. If you ever need to talk I'm a good listener.
Adamar: Thanks but no thanks. I just really don't have time for a girlfriend... And I also offer no promise for any sort of future... So I'm not a very ideal partner. Who knows. I could care less about other people's needs right now...

A little bit of information about Adamar before I finish my thoughts... He's a really interesting guy. We had to be at a casting session for hours on end one weekend and we really got to know each other. He's shooting a feature in the Summer and I definitely want it. I went out with him, his gf and another couple the other night. We had a ton of fun, but his gf was totally marking his territory. At first I really didn't want to go downtown because I knew I was going to be the only single person. But he kept asking me and everything so I said okay. After dropping me back off at my car, and I assume when he got home he sent me this text:

Adamar:hey. get home safe! thanks for coming downtown. you were totally cute! <3 Adamar

So I don't know about that. With the whole Samson thing I think I'm just going to let it all play out. I won't have a chance to see him until March, so I'm not going to try anything. And right now, with Sherridan. Who knows what'll happen. Which, I'll post on that next.

Good chat

Talked with Sherridan for 5 hours or so. Very happy. Had a totally different update in mind for this evening, but that went out the window around 9:30 pm.

Things are looking good.

Samson is single.

What's that spot right out there? That tiny spot; that's a bit of hope on the horizon

Things are going really well for me. Production is almost done. I'm ready to be done with production. Just one more week and it's all through.

Good things have been happening though. Let's start off with new friends. I got to start hanging out with a lot of new people over the last few weeks. I got to make a new female film friend: Darcy*. She's really nice. And other girls think that she hates them just like they think that I hate them. It's nice to find someone who sees the issues. We had a girl late lunch/early dinner today at Tflats. It was great. We got to chat about issues and get to know each other. I sent the little test of trust out there, so we'll see how that works out.

I met two guys this week. Well one I had met before, but we spend a lot of time talking this weekend. Anyway, Sherridan* I met at a friend's party. He's interesting, and something could happen. But he lives two hours away. What is it with me, I tend to like guys who live away. We've texted a little and we're being friends for now. It's safer. Who knows what might happen though.

As for Bastian*, we talked a lot yesterday and a little today. Kind of more on the flirting side today. We've made plans to make plans to hang out. We both like Star Wars and comic books and things like that.

I'm fairly over Samson right now. I don't know if I'll be completely over him for a while. We just mesh so well and with things that happened... but I've let it go mostly. Meeting new people helps.

Leigh and I are going to Georgia in two weeks, just as soon as productions are over. I'll be missing the homecoming football game, but I'm going to get that damn shirt this year! And jump in the fountain. I am determined. We're picking between two places to visit, so we've got a few options.

As for filming: it's going well. But the female filmmakers are going to strike against producing the male filmmakers. We deserve respect, so we need to remind the guys that they need us. Also, as far as gossip and rumors go... people are always saying women are the worst at it. That's we're always going around gossiping and spreading rumors. But I have heard more gossip and rumors from the mouths of men in the last few months than from women. Will explore more on this topic at a later date.