Who cares about birthdays?

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. There is something else I should be doing instead. Somewhere else I should be. This is not enough for me.

Today is my 22nd birthday. Or it was 30 minutes ago. Birthdays are sad. The friends I want to be here aren't in the same state, and then the friends that are in the same state don't show up. Birthdays to me are a time to find out who really cares about you.

Today I finally admitted that my best friend is no longer my best friend. We both basically admitted it today. After the fight last week I've just given up. I just don't care enough anymore to try to make it work from my side. It's not supposed to be a one sided thing. We're still friends and she means a lot to me, but she really isn't my best friend and hasn't been for a long time now. At least the last two years. I've always been there when she needed me, but she has never been there for me. And that's fine, I get it. When someone isn't important, they just aren't important. If someone wants to make people who are mean to them before their new best friends, that's their right. I just keep moving on. After admitting it to my mother that I have no best friend, it was just easier to accept.

My party was a bit of a wash. I spent all day shopping, cleaning, organizing everything for this party. And the last couple of days I've really been on edge. Yesterday and today have been one month since we finished filming. One month since I've seen Samson. One month since I've been happy. I don't know if that has anything to do with anything, but I've not been happy.

Today everyone forgot about the party. And it wasn't just my birthday party, but it was also our house warming party for my roommates and myself as well as a start of the semester party. So there were some people I didn't know, and then there were some that I did. One friend of mine was here for a good period of time and he even brought me a bottle of wine which was really nice. I used to really love birthdays, but since my 20th they have just been lame. This year the semester starts after my birthday so no one can really celebrate. Yesterday my roommates and I went to Disney and we had a blast, but today has just really sucked. Tomorrow I celebrate with the family, but I'm over the birthday thing. It just doesn't mean anything anymore.

We're going to try again next weekend. I bought a to of stuff for the party that needs to be used soon. Hopefully people will be able to show up next weekend. We'll see.

I don't know how to do this

A little bit of background on my "love life": I haven't dated anyone over an extended period of time since I was 18, and that was only for one month. Over the last four years, I have gone on a few dates - if you can call them that - very sporadically. I've been attracted to some guys over that time, but nothing ever worked out. This is all a lengthy and complicated story that would take too long to tell. But I am going to play a little catch up of my summer (if you want to read more, check out my glorious summer of promise blog) and the first man I have really liked in a long time. I first saw Samson* on June 17th at a production meeting. I knew immediately there was something about him even though we were never closer than 30 feet. A month later we really started filming and it wasn't until the second or third week in that I really got the chance to get to know him. To make a long story short, I had this huge internal drama trying to figure out if he liked me too and in the end it turned out that he did. The day after we both went to different states, him back to where he lived and me to a convention on the west coast. I'm sure I'll expand more on this at another time, but let's touch on a different issue.

I don't know how to like someone as an adult. I don't know how to like a man. I don't know how to like a man who lives in a different state. I don't know how to like a man who lives in a different state and just got out of a serious relationship.

I'm trying to stay realistic. I'm trying not to hope too much, but it's difficult. I haven't ever really liked someone like this. I haven't liked anyone in a very long time - not seriously. I've had my crushes, but those have been mostly physical. Not like this. There is just something about him that draws me in. I can't explain it. It's just his being. I hate that I know there is someone out there like this, that I am so drawn to and I just can't be with him. That I can't talk to him often. That he's always working. That I won't see him for six months. I don't know how to act. I don't know how to reel myself back in.

This is something that has potential to be something great, the timing is just off. Maybe I just need to trust that things are working how they are meant to work out. Maybe I just need to let go and let live. I don't want what I hope to happen to affect my life. I'm going to be realistic and just live my life day to day. I'm going to better myself without changing who am I in my core. I have a goal now and a reason that makes more sense. Maybe now I will be able to stick to things better.

This summer has been unbelievable. Things have happened that I wouldn't have imagined. And now it's over and those amazing things are not here, but they have changed the way I look at life. I'm just confused over how to be an adult. How is one supposed to act? How is one supposed to feel? This is very new to me, and I don't want to mess it up because I'm still so young.

With 110% Honesty

Hi, my name is Ashley. I'm a 22 year old student at the University of Central Florida. In December I will be graduating. For the first time in over 17 years I will not be a student. My whole life I have lived in this protective bubble formed by my family, school, and church life. I've always had someone backing me up, someone to catch me if I was falling too hard.

In the last month I have officially moved out of my parents house paying my own rent and all that. I've been paying a lot of my own bills for the last couple of years, but now I am officially on my own. I also worked on a feature film for the first time. This has opened so many doors to me with meeting new people and making connections that could help my career immensely as I prepare to enter the field full time.

Through all these outward changes, there have been some major internal ones too. Growing up is a slow but steady process that is different for everyone. One of the biggest factors that has changed are my relationships with other people: my parents, my friends, my coworkers, and just people in general. I think that this change and my adaptation to it is something that will define who I am as a person and how others see me. My goal for this blog is to continually update this and give a full account of my life. I will be completely honest as I have never been before.

I'm not someone who believes in keeping my own secrets. I subscribe to an open book policy. I like to answer questions and explain to other people how and why I see the world as I do. There are always at least three people in the world that know everyone of my secrets. You are now about to become one of those people.

While I am going to be honest about myself, I do have to protect the other people in my life. Events, facts, and my opinions and views on life are going to be completely accurate - as accurate as they can be from one person's point of view - but I will be changing names to protect my friends and family. You will know these names have been changed because an * at the end of the name the first time it's posted will indicate this.

One more piece of information about this blog - I'm going to be tagging these all by relationships. i.e. romantic, female friends, male friends, parents, brother, etc.

If you have any questions or anything, please just leave a comment and I will try to respond as soon as possible.