I can't hope too much

B got offered an awesome job today. He seems really excited about it. I hope it's long term because that's one less thing standing between us. You know, guys are worried about being stable enough for a relationship. At least, this is what B and I have discussed.

I want to bring this up to him. Ask him about long term. I've been thinking about admitting to him that what I want isn't going to change. I know I said I was okay waiting for our timing to be right, for him to get a long term job and to get over the loss of his ex/best friend. I get break-ups are hard, even when you're the one doing the breaking. I get it. I told him I wasn't going to ask for a commitment. But DAMMIT I still want that! I'm never going to change until I get what I want. Even though I said that I wasn't going to date or get involved this year, I lied. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I always have. I am going to be focusing more on my career, I promise! I have been. I've been so focused on it. I'm convinced more than ever that this is what I want. But I want a family too.

I want to get married. I am so ready to be married. All my friends are getting married and having kids. When will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to have a boyfriend, even? When will it be my turn???? This is not fair, but then who said life was fair. SHUT UP i'm tired of hearing that. It isn't fair, but it should be. I am a caring, passionate, "sexy as hell" woman. Where is my boyfriend?

I hate that B and I live so far apart. I'm going to travel as much as I can, and apply for jobs on the West Coast, and hopefully that will help things. I can do long distance, as long as I know I have someone to depend on at the end of the day. B is a good guy and won't lead me on.

One week until I see him again. I will do my best not to be disappointed if I don't get to spend as much time as I would like. If I could spend even an hour, i would be happy. I would just have to get all my questions and worries out, because he knows when I don't. How cute is that?