Who cares about birthdays?

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. There is something else I should be doing instead. Somewhere else I should be. This is not enough for me.

Today is my 22nd birthday. Or it was 30 minutes ago. Birthdays are sad. The friends I want to be here aren't in the same state, and then the friends that are in the same state don't show up. Birthdays to me are a time to find out who really cares about you.

Today I finally admitted that my best friend is no longer my best friend. We both basically admitted it today. After the fight last week I've just given up. I just don't care enough anymore to try to make it work from my side. It's not supposed to be a one sided thing. We're still friends and she means a lot to me, but she really isn't my best friend and hasn't been for a long time now. At least the last two years. I've always been there when she needed me, but she has never been there for me. And that's fine, I get it. When someone isn't important, they just aren't important. If someone wants to make people who are mean to them before their new best friends, that's their right. I just keep moving on. After admitting it to my mother that I have no best friend, it was just easier to accept.

My party was a bit of a wash. I spent all day shopping, cleaning, organizing everything for this party. And the last couple of days I've really been on edge. Yesterday and today have been one month since we finished filming. One month since I've seen Samson. One month since I've been happy. I don't know if that has anything to do with anything, but I've not been happy.

Today everyone forgot about the party. And it wasn't just my birthday party, but it was also our house warming party for my roommates and myself as well as a start of the semester party. So there were some people I didn't know, and then there were some that I did. One friend of mine was here for a good period of time and he even brought me a bottle of wine which was really nice. I used to really love birthdays, but since my 20th they have just been lame. This year the semester starts after my birthday so no one can really celebrate. Yesterday my roommates and I went to Disney and we had a blast, but today has just really sucked. Tomorrow I celebrate with the family, but I'm over the birthday thing. It just doesn't mean anything anymore.

We're going to try again next weekend. I bought a to of stuff for the party that needs to be used soon. Hopefully people will be able to show up next weekend. We'll see.