Back to Miami

I saw him today.

He was happy to see me. He yelled "Ashley" and walked quickly over to give me a hug. I was glad to see him, because he knew the information I needed. And because I'd forgotten what he smelled like.

I was worried in the pit of my stomach (and the knots in my back) with anxiety over seeing him again. Miami is full of sorrow for me. not because I still like him - but because of what we could have been.

I'm not into him anymore. We are friendly, but I don't feel that insane happiness when I see him, and it's not coupled with that extreme anxiety and confusion I felt towards the end.

I really do mis that glimpse of what could have been. Those little peeks I get at being a real couple - something I've never known. i get pieces every once and a while, but never the whole picture and never to keep.

I will be better again one day. "Happy Again" by Iwan Rheon keeps laying over and over in my head when I think of him. I know I will be happy again - on my own.

I lost myself in the joy of liking someone. I was so happy to feel like that again, I forgot myself. I forgot to be content with myself. I want so badly to be a two, that i neglected my one. i became too invested, too hopeful.

I know when I get too happy about anything, it blows up in my face. I don't know if I just need to adjust to a more moderate attitude. I feel if I do that, if I tone down my intensity, I will lose a vital part of myself.

I am too passionate for my own good. I put everything I have into whatever I am doing. I think it scares a lot of people because they don't see it often. I think people have lost a lot of passion. I would feel empty if I didn't have that drive: I won't give it up.

Every time I get crushed, I learn from it. I have to; there's nothing else that can be done.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Twice I've been told, by people very close to me, that I'm doing something wrong. That a great girl like me - who's smart, talented, sexy and kind - has to be doing something wrong if she can't get a boyfriend. During my twenty four years, I've never had one - thanks for rubbing that in.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm not dating again until I'm twenty five. I need to focus on me and my career. I'm not going to like anyone, no crushes, no looking for someone. no dates. I'll go hang with friends, but I will not date. I can't handle the emotional stress. Even though I'm over him, I'm not completely over the stress I felt during that time. I haven't reached equilibrium, and i probably won't until I spend time with the people who love me most, my best friends.

They love me no matter what and I just need to get in a big hug with them.

My goal for the next eleven months is to focus on me. Getting back to being happy and content. i'm on my way, but still have far to go. No dating. i'm trying to meet new people, but it's hard in a city where you know no one (well, very few) and you don't know the good places to hang out. Not to mention work on the weekends.

Here's to the next eleven months. May I find the peace and happiness I desire.