I try so hard, only to make things worse.

Atlas is one of those good guys. One of those guys who are really pure at heart.

He's someone that I can get close to, someone I'm comfortable with. But the whole "like" factor has its disadvantages. Because if it was just friendly terms, physical contact wouldn't be so powerfully packed with possible meaning, or possible hurt. I crave male touch. But I'm particular about it, and because I still like to fall under what's socially acceptable. And I may be a little selfish. I miss my closest friends. They were the physical touch I needed. Not to mention, in 54 days, I won't have any friends within 400 miles. Well... we can't count Samson, can we.

I like Atlas. And it makes it easier to just touch his arm or hold his hand because of this. But also because he is a good friend. Then again, it is awkward when we're in the whole group. Because all I would like is to be close, and we end up on other sides of the room. And there's another girl who hangs out with us on occasion that likes him, or likes him enough to be physical.

And I wonder if he does this on purpose; as if now that I'm not seeing anyone, if that makes it harder. That all my attention can be focused on this. And that focus can be too intense. I can be too intimidating. Too demanding. Too... a lot of things. And last weekend when she was all over him, in front of the whole group of like 6 other people, I was upset. I was hurt. Not that I really had any right to be.

He asked me a serious question last week that I answered, but then I didn't get a response to that answer. And it makes me wonder if that has to do with anything. The distance that I felt this past week, when the week before I saw him everyday.

Things are just complicated.